Good Cop, Bad Cop Fridays -- March 30, 2007

Smitten but Shy writes:

"I've got a crush on a guy friend. Nothing's ever happened between us but there's a lot of sexual tension and I want it to. How do I tell him and get something started?"

Bigger Bitch Than You says:

Well you didn't give us a lot to go on honey but let me see if I can out do LMNT again.

1) how long have you known this chap? I mean are you BFF since grade school or did you meet at the pub last month?
2) what other girls has he dated and does he talk to you about them? Are you his type? Is he GAY (trust me I've made that mistake A LOT).
3) any flirting going on at all? Any touching? double entendres? innuendos? Freudian slips? You say sexual tension but are you sure it's on both sides?
4) do you want a fuck or a ring (or something in between....I ryhmed)?

Because if he's really your friend and you want need him as a friend more than a fuck, then you could have a potential chernobyl here. I hate to say this but go watch When Harry Met Sally again (choke). There IS some truth to that drivel but in real life you don't get the boy saving you at NYE you get tears and heartbreak and feeling really really dumb on top of losing your BFF.

Listen, if you just need a good fuck go to the nearest fratboy bar and get drunk and turn up the charm. If you really want something with him then drop some hints, if he's not a complete moron, he'll get it. Alcohol is usually highly recommended in these situations...pot if you've got it.

And also do NOT go torturing yourself (and all your freaking friends) about this for months or years. Either do something about it or forget it and shut the hell up!


LMNt's thoughts:

Ok, this is easy. If you're even remotely attractive and he's a friend of yours, he'd at the very least be willing to hook up with you. Chances are he's got a secret crush on you, too. If you're willing to risk the friendship, get him drunk and kiss him (the alcohol with help you in the guts department, too). That should do it.

And if you get a minute, watch Chris Rock's take on platonic friends. It'll shed some light on the subject. Here's the short version:

"Men don't have platonic friends. We just have women we haven't f*cked yet."


Have a great weekend, and keep those questions coming in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com. Or you can click on the link in the sidebar. See y'all next week!

*Special thanks to Roosh and Kathryn for their guru-ness.

How To Pick Up A Blogger

Ok, so you like to read blogs. Know how I knew that? You're here. I'm a smart cookie.

Anyway, I'm sure you've got a handful (or possibly more) you read regularly. It's a fairly intimate view into another person's life, and if you're anything like most of us, at some point you've developed a blog-crush or two. Maybe more. Want to turn those fantasies into reality? It's really not that hard. With a few easy steps, that blogger of your dreams can be all yours. Here's how.

Email Prolifically -- Write really long emails to him/her, specifically describing why exactly you think you're meant for each other. Do it every hour, on the hour. If they don't respond, it's cool -- they just didn't get the first 6 or so. Write more. You're probably not explaining how much you want to be with them enough, so try harder. And it's especially important to send one immediately after they post (so they know you're paying attention) dissecting the post in detail and using it to bolster your claims of being fated lovers.

Express Your Undying Love -- It's very, very important to make sure they know you can't live without them, so make sure to use the "L" word as often as possible. It doesn't matter that you've never met him/her... you've read their innermost thoughts, right? That means you know them already, so make sure they know that. As often as possible.

Use What Information You Have -- Ok, so most bloggers try to stay relatively anonymous. We don't give you our real names or addresses or other identifying info. It's not that we don't want you to know us, of course, we just want to see how resourceful you are. Be creative with the information you do have. For example, if you know what neighborhood he/she lives in and what his/her dogs look like, you can easily find out where your blogger lives. Stake out the neighborhood and inconspicuously follow them home when they walk the dogs. Write down the address and immediately start mailing romantic tokens, addressed to the blogger's pen-name. If you really want to snare your blogger, you're gonna have to get creative. Think bloody pig's hearts, barbed wire, trinkets made from/stuffed with body parts, and poetry about "if I can't have you, no one will." We love it when you're creative and unique. We're creative and unique, too -- that's why we blog.

Only Use the Third Person -- Eliminate "I," "you," "we," and all such similar words from your vocabulary when corresponding with your blogger. You should most often refer to them by the pet name you've established early on in your communication. Think sappy. I've heard "Schmoopsie" works especially well. When you're not using the nickname, call them by what you know them as (LMNt, Kassy, Ar-Jew-Tino, Velvet, etc.), and your last option should be he or she. Good: "[Your Name Here] wants to marry [Schmoopsie/Blogname/him/her] and keep [him/her/them] locked up in a trunk 4EVAR!!!" Bad: "I think you're cool, let's have a beer."

Stalk -- Now that you know where they live, it's probably in your best interests to take a few days off work and just follow them around for a while. Make sure you run into them right at the beginning of your stalking period and introduce yourself -- you want to make sure they know you're the one who's been doing all these romantic things. After that, you should resist initiating conversation at all costs. Just make sure you stare really hard. That way they'll notice you when you're around. They should see you at their work, home, and while out on the town or running errands. The more familiar they get with you, the better.

Start a Love Blog -- Blogs are pretty easy to make. Most of the major sites already do most of the work for you, so all you have to do is the writing. Make sure to get a name like "pookieluvs[bloggername].blogspot/wordpress/whatever.com" You should dedicate it to your poetry, long-winded explanations of why they're your soulmate, and of course, publish any private and/or personal details you know about them. Link to their blog, so they'll see it in their stats, and update regularly. This is a good place to repost the emails they haven't responded to. That way you can be sure they've seen them.

Use Threats -- If all else fails, threaten your blogger with bodily harm or death. Don't forget to throw in suicide, too. You have to be strong to motivate them.

In other words, be as creepy as possible. We never have enough ideas to write about, and a creepy stalker type is the perfect solution. You give your blogger an endless supply of posts, and they'll be so greatful they'll give you just about anything you want. Everybody likes to be scared sometimes -- that's why we have roller coasters and horror movies. Of course, creepy can be hard to do well, and if it's not your thing? Well, maybe you should just give up.

There is one other option, though. If you really want to get to know the person behind the words, you could always just come to a Blogger Happy Hour. Non-bloggers are totally welcome, and if you're a blogger too, even better. You're pretty much guaranteed to meet your crush, and if they're as cool as you think they are, and you're pretty fun yourself, you may make friends. Hell, you might even make that love connection you've been dreaming about. You never know.

Materialistic, Much?

Yesterday I was hanging out, drinking wine with a friend of mine. She's a pretty good friend, and all kinds of fun to hang out with unless we're talking about her romantic situation, cause there's all kinds of drama there. She's got some pretty messed up priorities in that department, but she's working on it. Other than that? Really cool chick.

Anyway, she tells me her ex-fiancee just bought a new car, which kind of bothers her because he just sold her engagement ring because he "needed the money" (yes he's an ex, no they're not dating, and there's absolutely no good reason for him to keep it. She's just clinging desperately to the hopeless idea that they'll get back together someday even though they both cheated on each other for several years. Like I said, messed up priorities). And she says, "I don't understand how he could buy a car when he needed money badly enough to sell the ring. I mean, the car was 27 thousand and the ring was only 24."

"Waitaminute... I don't think I heard you properly. Did you say the engagement ring he bought you was twenty four THOUSAND dollars?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Why the eff would someone spend that much on an engagement ring? I mean, I know it's supposed to be a significant purchase to last your whole life and all, but seriously? That's ridiculous. 24 THOUSAND dollars? You're kidding, right?"

"Well, it was what I wanted. I designed it myself."

"Why not spend 4 to 8 grand on a nice, but reasonable ring and put the rest of the money down on a house, or go on vacation together or something? Put it in the retirement fund. Who wants to wear something like that? Isn't it so big it's gaudy?"

"I wanted to wear it. It was a really rare canary diamond. [goes into the story on why they're so rare] We both already have houses, and we'd just gone on a vacation. I wanted it. I told him I'd be fine with a plain gold band, or totally happy with something small that's an heirloom, but it was either that or this one. I don't want to do anything halfway. And it had to be nicer than the one [the previous ex-fiancee] gave me or I'd think of it every time I looked at my hand and be sad. If I'm not going to have a basic plain gold band, it needs to be really nice."

"So you wouldn't consider like a carat or so? Maybe one of those three-stone deals where the middle one's one carat?"

"No way. I like nice things."

Ok, now granted, I already knew she was a bit on the materialistic side. She won't even consider a date with a guy who's not at least 6 inches taller than her, and she seems to always either know or have a damn good guess as to how much money a guy makes before they even get to the first date. The last one had two houses (one at Rehoboth Beach) and three cars. And other than anything related to guys, she really is an awesome chick. Pretty, accomplished, fun, talented, a great friend who's always there when you need her, totally sweet, yada yada yada. And I knew her dating priorities were a little off -- lord knows I would never even entertain the notion of dating her. I never thought she was a gold-digger, though, just a little off dating-wise.

But a $24,000 engagement ring is a must? Right now I'm a little embarrassed to know her.

A Little Slutty?

If you know me (or have paid attention here), you know how I feel about the word "slut". It's one of my very least favorite things.

That said, this article on the evolution of the word was pretty darn interesting. Check it out.

What a Glorious Feeling...

Ever noticed that when it comes to dating, the old "when it rains, it pours" adage is particularly true?

I mean, seriously, you have a few good dates and all of a sudden interested parties seem come rushing out of the woodwork, even if there was no shortage of interested paries before. It's always funny to me how it happens right when you start to think about possibly not dating beyond the one (or ones) you've had a few good dates with. Murphy's law, I guess.

Girls in particular get a lot more blunt and/or aggressive when this is going on. Instead of smiling coyly across the room, they'll walk right up to you with "you're cute. What's your name?" Exes or past hookups will start calling out of the blue, wondering what you're up to and if you want to hang out sometime. Even the ones that trailed off... you know, where you were interested, but you just assumed they weren't because they got scarce and didn't pay you much attention.

Some of it's got to be the different sort of confidence you display when you're happy with your romantic life or high on a new person, but that really can't explain it all. What about the ones you've haven't heard from or spoken to in ages, who couldn't possibly have any clue what's going on in your life?

It can be a bit overwhelming. All in all, it's definitely a good thing. First of all, we all love the attention (hello? We wouldn't blog if we weren't just a little bit attention-whorish). Secondly, it forces you to step back and really consider things. It's good motivation to examine your current situation and what you want out of it. What you're ready for and what you're not. Get your head on straight and all.

That said, it's still overwhelming and exhausting. Deep thoughts are hard work sometimes, and sometimes you don't feel like mulling anything over. Every once in a while, you just need a little peace. I'm glad I don't have anything romantic-life related to deal with tonight.

Also...

Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I had a great one, complete with laughter, the great outdoors, Ikea, too much wine, friends, and family. I hope everyone gets great ones like that.

Ask LMNt Friday Surprise, As Promised -- March 23, 2007

See that title up there? Yeah, it doesn't say "Ask LMNt Friday". It says "Ask LMNt Friday". Why, you ask? Because Ask LMNt Friday is going away, to be replaced with something bigger, better, and probably cooler.

You see, my friend Bigger Bitch Than You recently started her own blog (and guys, she's awesome -- gorgeous, smart, and a whole heluva lotta fun). And well, she feels my advice is just a little too hearts-and-flowers optimistic for the real world (wonder where she gets her name?). Similarly, I think most of what she has to say is a little on the mean and/or pessimistic side. The right answer is probably somewhere in the middle.

So we decided to get together. No, not like you're thinking (but we'll see -- call me, Bitch baby!). From now on, we're gonna have Good Cop, Bad Cop Fridays right here. Same questions + more viewpoints = better advice. So if you like Ask LMNt, you'll love this one. Tune in every week -- same bat-channel, same bat-time.

Now on to this week's question:

Love Over Bud writes:

"My BF is pretty straight, and by that I mean he's never done drugs doesn't drink that much, goes to church on Christmas and in general believes in the golden rule and "live a clean life". We've never discussed it but he's probably had sex with less than a handful of girls since college. None of that bothers me. In fact, I like how sweet and honest and proud of this he is.

I could be considered a "party girl realizing her age". I've had quite a few partners, smoked out many times and well get my drunk on quite often. He doesn't really mind the drinking, but recently I went to my college reunion and stayed with old girlfriends where we had a few hits off the old pipe. When he asked me if I was good I asked what he meant and he meant drugs and cheating. Well of COURSE I didn't CHEAT (I am so IN LOVE) but I got shy about the drugs part and then lied and said no. Then I told the truth.

Now I am a bastard for being a "druggie" and a liar. I can understand the lying being bad, but I knew he'd go into orbit over the smoking. I don't want to lose him, but I think the occassional "silliness" isn't so bad. What's a girl to do?"

Bigger Bitch says:

Well GF, I think you and the Love of Your Life need to have an honest chat.

What is it he doesn't like? Is it that it's illegal? Does he think you have a problem and DO YOU (honestly)? Is he jealous that you are a different person away from him? Is he one of those guys who wants a whore in the bed and a sunday school teacher in public?

Let's be honest, you are getting "older", as you say, and the party scene is diminishing (you poor thing). So maybe you want a "nice" guy to marry and make babies with. Maybe he's looking for a Mommy too. So if that's your priority then you are going to have to buckle down and give it up for the sake of the American Dream (gag). But if you want to toke up on occassion or go out and get trashed like an LNS take down, then you need to tell him to deal with it or get yourself a new man (or learn to be a better liar, which can be done).

But lying, yeah that's gonna get you no where with this guy now. You'll have to become and expert at the hiding and he's going to start stalking your every move, which isn't really a healthy relationship, even in MY EXPERIENCES. He also sounds like he doesn't trust you with the dudes...wonder why? HAVE YOU CHEATED? HAS HE? Takes one to know one, remember. So depending on your investment with him and how much you're willing to lie and go behind his back, you just have to decide what you want.

Trust me honey bunny, there's lots of cutie 23 year olds with huge stashes (if you know what I mean) that would be willing to take you on. But they ain't gonna give you a ring.


LMNt says:

Ok, three issues here: drugs, trust, and honesty. I'm gonna go ahead and discuss'em in that order.

Drugs:

Ok, to be honest with you, I never really enjoyed pot, so I'm not going to start in on whether or not you should be smoking it. I have no moral issues with it, I just didn't ever like it. The things that are a bigger deal anyway are 1) how important is it to you, and 2) how big a part of your life is it? If it's not important, I'd just drop it -- it's obvious this has been a recurring issue for the two of you or he wouldn't have asked about it in the first place. If it's something you're not willing to give up, you may need to lose the guy. That said, is it possible it's a bigger problem for you than you think it is? I mean, smoking a little every now and then is fine, but if it really is the recurring issue it seems to be, maybe you do it a bit more often? Are we talking every once in a while or a few times a week? If it really happens at things like the college reunion or when you see your girlfriends from far away, he should probably learn to deal with it. If he can't, he's probably not the right guy for you. On the other hand, if it's a regular occurrence, maybe you should tone it down a bit? The idea here is to come to some agreement that you both can live with.

Trust:

Why the hell is he asking you if you cheated or did something he didn't like while you were gone? I'm with the Bitch here -- have you cheated before? Has he? If my girlfriend asked me that, I'd be totally insulted, and I'd wonder where the hell she got that idea from. Where's the trust in this relationship? If he has no reason to be suspicious, this could be something that gets a lot worse over time. Little things like that are how controlling men start to work up to the wicked jealousy that causes real problems. Y'all need to talk about the trust thing. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but if I'm not, it'll come back to bite you if you don't nip it in the bud now.

Honesty:

Ok, the lying? Absolutely never acceptable. If you can't be honest with him, you need to figure out why. If it's you, fix it. If it's him, kick him to the curb. A good relationship is totally impossible without open and honest communication. Go sit in the corner.

So anyway, I think you should really take a look at all three things, talk to him about them, and examine the relationship for yourself. It may be a personality mismatch. On the other hand, you may be totally great for each other, but just have a little work to do. The only people who can figure out which are you two. Good luck.


And that about wraps up another week here at LMNtal Attraction. If you've got a dating or relationship question, send it in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com. Bitch and I will get to it as soon as we can, and she'll be here every Friday. And when I come back on Monday? I'll be another year older. See y'all next week!

Good Grief!!!

Ok, you guys seem to have finished the online dating faux pas post for me, so we're moving on today.

I'm noticing a disturbing trend lately in reading the work of our eligible, hot, and feminine dc bloggers. Go ahead, check out the links -- I'll still be here when you get back.

...

Ok, with me so far? Good.

What the eff is up with that? Since when did text messaging become a proper medium to take big steps in? I mean, it's great for a little flirting, a quick "I'm running late," or even a light conversation with a friend, but asking someone out, making the first contact after getting a number, and breaking up with someone are a little too significant for such a light medium. You've got a phone in your hand, right? Why not punch in those 10 digits and then hit the little green button with the phone on it? Actually connect with another human being in real time in a way you might possibly pick up things like *GASP!* inflection and mood. I know, I know... that's crazy talk, right?

Now, I know what you're thinking. "But I like texting. I mean, if I were talking, I wouldn't be able to edit my thoughts for clarity, spelling [ed. note: Now I know I'm talking crazy. Proper spelling in a text message? Silly LMNt!], and just the right oh-so-casual tone!" Well, that's the idea. Remember back in the day when we talked to each other? The lost art of conversation? Saying things as you think of them instead of before you'd checked them over 3 times? Those were good things. It'd be a shame to see them go extinct.

And if you really think about it, maybe these significant conversations would actually go more smoothly if you had a way to know what the receiver's mood is, and how they're actually feeling about what you have to say. Maybe that "no thanks" answer to drinks on Friday would be a "definitely!" if you had a little balls, or possibly if you realized their dog died that morning, they got fired that afternoon, and it might be better to ask another day. Strangely enough, when you actually listen to people, you can pick these things up. Not just from the words they say, but from the way that they say them.

We're human. Humans are emotional creatures, and when you interact in a text only medium, the only emotions that come through are the ones that are purposely inserted into the conversation. On the other hand, when you involve more of your senses, you can usually tell what people are really feeling. It's hard to hide it. They'll understand better where you're at, too. And believe it or not, that's a good thing. Little secret: People like to know that you like them. They just don't like to feel pressured or trapped. Maybe you don't sound as suave when every word isn't premeditated, but maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.

Oh, and P.S.? It's weak. You come off as a totally coward when you text these things.



Breaking News

I've got a big surprise for y'all coming in tomorrow's Ask LMNt Friday. Hopefully it'll make it a little more fun and interesting. Stay tuned, and send in your questions (lmntalattraction [at] gmail [dot] com) -- the "to be answered/blogged about" pile's starting to get a little low.