Thursday, January 11, 2007

Breaking News from the CDC!

*** Auction Update ***

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

It's on! Right now, I'm doing well, but my local blogger friend I-66 is only $5.00... Come on, girls, we gotta do better than that. I want to see bidding wars and catfights. Tearing at each other's clothing is highly encouraged, but biting, hair-pulling, and other dirty fighting tactics are frowned upon.

A startling new disease has been discovered, affecting scores of young people nationwide. It infects women at a higher rate than men, but if you are single and have internet access, you are at risk.

It's called Online Dating Sydrome (ODS), and it could completely ruin your chances of finding a rewarding relationship.

ODS is characterized by a fascination with the sheer volume of attractive members of the opposite sex who are looking for love online, coupled with a tendency to grossly overvalue the thrill of the unknown above making a connection with a known entity. Patients exhibit relatively low standards for a first date with disproportionately high requirements for a second. They seem to believe that every potential date could be the 100% perfect partner and forgo a second date if the slightest flaw is exhibited on the first one. If no flaw is present, the patient will make one up in order to avoid a second encounter. The root cause of the patient's dating appears to be to boost their own ego through high volumes of romantic attention, instead of to find a potential mate. ODS most commonly effects patients who are recently out of relationships, although people new to online dating are also at high risk.

The negative effects of ODS often take a serious toll on a subject's life in many different ways. Their friendships suffer because they spend more time with total strangers than they do with people who know and care for them. Patients are less productive at work because they have to keep a constant eye on their email in order to avoid missing an opportunity with a new suitor. Subjects also seem terminally unhappy with thier romantic lives -- although it's fun to go on lots of dates, the lack of any semblance of a deeper romantic relationship often leaves them feeling empty and alone. Because they fill any empty space in their schedules with new dates, patients deprive themselves of "me time" to relax, decompress, and process the normal stress in their lives, leaving them harried, frantic, and wound tighter than a fundamentalist's asshole. They deprive themselves of necessary sleep by staying out late nightly on the latest date and getting up early to fulfill their professional duties.

ODS is currently infects as many as 1 of every 5 online daters (1 in 10 males and 2 in 5 females). Here is a simple quiz to see if you may need treatment:

1) Do you check your email more often than every 3 hours (if you are a blogger, disregard this question)?

2) Do you go on more than 2 first dates per week?

3) Is your second to first date ratio lower than 1 to 5?

4) Have you ever said “If he gets a second date, it means someone else doesn’t get a first”? (Hi darlin'!! Love ya!)

5) Do you have enough potential dates that you can't keep them straight without the aid of organizational tools (spreadsheet, descriptive nicknames, taking notes, etc.)?

6) Do you find yourself passing up second dates with promising suitors because you simply don't have time (yet you have time for the new first date you have scheduled that night)?

7) Do you ignore potential red flags such as stalkerish behavior, conversations all about an ex, or narcissistic tendencies prior to the first date and go anyway?

8) Do you take pride in telling others how many people you're "dating"?

9) Do you go on first dates in sweats because it's not worth the effort of making yourself up?

10) Finally, have you ever accidentally called a first date by the wrong name?

If you answered "yes" to more than one of these questions, you may have ODS, and you should seek diagnosis and treatment from a professional immediately.


DCWeddingPhotog said...

I've never done online dating, but this is still a very funny post to read. Makes me not want to dive into that, but also verrrrry curious. Then again, if I win the auction, I'll have my first chance :-)

Kathryn Is So Over said...

It is SO TRUE.

The should have ODS support groups. It's the equivalent of Online Dating ADD.

But I think men are sometimes more susceptible than women... just sayin'. :)

LMNt said...

DCWeddingPhotog -- Maybe you will. That'd be fun.

Kathryn -- While men may be more susceptible to it, women are usually more capable of it, due to that supply and demand thing. If you've got a cute picture, most guys would go out with you, so you've got more to choose from than you could really handle. Men don't get quite the same volume of potentials.

etcetera said...

agree with K - why do you suggest a gender discrepancy in terms of susceptibility to ODS?

also, how do these mysterious "professionals" you speak of treat/cure ODS?

Carrie M said...

i am a recovered sufferer of ODS. i learned that lesson the hard way my first go around with it. however, i have become the receiver of bad side effects from MEN suffering from this ailment.

however, i will always reserve the right to nickname my dates. 'cueball' is way more fun to say than 'greg'.

sadly, this post is totally right on. have you become susceptible, LMNT?

I-66 said...

Haha, thanks for the pub.

I agree - no dirty fighting. However, should anyone want us to preside over a catfight as judge and/or referee, we are reachable via e-mail.

SWF41 said...

Just so you know, this applies to us "not so young" online daters, too.

The problem is in the variety of choice. The grass-is-greener mentality. This guy is great, but some other guy could be greater (more great?).

Regardless, I can't imagine being single without the internet. Otherwise, I'd be stuck with meeting men at church.

LMNt said...

Etcetera -- Really? You think so, too?

And the cure is hanging out with me, of course... I make second dates worth it.

Carrie M -- Man, you're the third one to say that! Ok girls, y'all have convinced me I'm wrong. You win.

And no, I'm not coming down with it. I've had it in the past, but I'm honestly quite underimpressed with the options lately on my dating site of choice, and considering cancelling altogether.

I-66 -- Rock, paper, scissors for who gets to hold the camera.

SWF41 -- Young at heart is all that counts (cliche alert!!!). ;-P

KassyK said...

I've never done online dating. I can't imagine that I ever will.

As a blogger already I get way too much attention from psychos and people wanting to seriously hurt me...I can't imagine putting myself out there on a dating SITE...yikes.

I am WAY WAY too paranoid.

Ar-Jew-Tino said...

How did singles meet before the Internet? Before personal ads? Before hay rides? I have no idea.

Eric said...

Quantity over quality is definitely never the way to go.

NotCarrie said...

I hope you're pimping out to all your friends, too:)

And a hay ride sounds nice!

LMNt said...

Kassy -- Yeah, I'm pretty over it at this point, myself. I doubt you need it.

Ar-Jew-Tino -- Maybe we had a human mating dance of some sort.

Eric -- Amen.

Ryane said...

HAHA. that was hilarious...

SWF41 said...

Oh, God.

I'm old enough to be consoled with the "young at heart" cliche.

The Captain said...

Why stop at #4. Wasn't this whole post directed at Velvet :)

LMNt said...

NotCarrie -- A few of them read the blog, and they've been eagerly following the bidding slash heckling me about what I'm worth, but they get to hang with me for free already.

Ryane -- Glad you liked it.

SWF41 -- Umm... I mean, uh... you're a sex-ay hottie and your blog makes my penis hard.

Captain -- Hey now... I know WAY too many girls this was directed at to limit it to just one. Most of them don't have the balls to blog about it, though.

Carrie M said...

remember the mating dance from 'can't buy me love' (before patrick dempsey was dr. mcdreamy)? that used to work like a *charm*. actually, it might still work.

Velvet said...

No. I think the Captain is right. Seems you pretty much directed this entire post at me.

Ally said...

Excellent post.

I tried a three day trial on Match, and the sheer volume of e-mails (from people who clearly hadn't read my profile or looked at what was important to me in a potential date) was enough to turn me off to the idea for now. The idea of multiple first dates in a week is exhausting. But I still see how it could be addictive--running the searches with really restrictive criteria is kind of fun, although it encourages that grass is greener approach.

DCWeddingPhotog said...

when does the bidding end? i can't find where it says that.

NotCarrie said...

It ends Sat at midnight. East Coast time, of course.

SWF41 said...

Pay attention to Ally's post. That's one of the real problems in online dating, emails from people who don't bother to look past the photo. At first, it's easy to give someone the benefit of the doubt, to avoid looking shallow yourself, but in the end, it's easier just to say, fuck it and start deleting emails from morons who obviously can't read. Like any new toy, even non-stop online dating gets old after a while.

LMNt said...

Carrie M -- Never saw it... maybe you should show me sometime. ;-)

Velvet -- I'm sorry you feel that way. Check your email.

Ally -- It can definitely get interesting. My interest in it is totally waning.

DCWeddingPhotog -- Tomorrow at midnight. Are you winning?

NotCarrie -- Thanks, darlin'.

SWF41 -- Yeah, I'm a big fan of dating people who are literate.

Anonymous said...

If you're pretty over online dating, then I guess you'll have to change the subtitle of your blog! ;-)

Urban Urchette said...

Yes, it is a real disease, and yes, its addictive. You can read about it here (and yes, I really did write this).

The thing is, someone sent me this charity date auction--I made a bid (not telling who) and I think I'm relapsing. Does this count as online dating?

LMNt said...

Anon -- Been thinking about it. Gotta come up with a good replacement, though, right?

Urban Urchette -- I totally love that cl post!! You rock.

And no, I don't think it counts. You're safe for now.

The Urban Urchins said...

Yeah, I *was* safe..then suddenly, tonight, post 2 negronis and I find myself surfing for dates--"for a friend" I tell myself. Its worse than crack--far more addictive, and far more dangerous....and a hell of a lot cheaper than buying a date with you;).

Anonymous said...

Notice most of all online daters NEVER leave. The attention or pursuit or just the vision of something better never leaves them. I am convinced that online dating, for the most part, works for few and wastes time for most. This was a great post!

simply scott said...

Brilliant and totally true! I have been meaning to write about this for ages, but haven't gotten around to it. With so many choices it's a wonder anyone can make any choice at all for a partner. And how can you stick with someone when one of 100 others could be better?