Friday, June 8, 2007

Audience Participation: (Wo)Man Crush

Ok, so it's Friday. It's been a long week at work, and I'm feeling a bit lazy, so you'll find another interesting male opinion here. The topic: The Man Crush. 'Course, it is a San Francisco newspaper (I jest). Also? If I wrote it, you'd have to replace the words "Eva Longoria" with "Angelina Jolie." But check it out.

Here's the audience participation part. Who do you have a same (or opposite if you're not-so-heterosexual) sex platonic crush on? I want to know. Fill me in.

If I had to pick one? I'd probably be right there with the author on Justin Timberlake, but that's just me. Your turn.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Weight For It...

Q: What do all of these women have in common?

A: Chances are pretty good that when they look in the mirror, they all see this one:

Fat Lady Sings

and it makes them feel like this:

Stressed on Scale

Now, I'm a guy. I never had to deal with growing up female in our society. I've never had the "oh, you're so skinny -- you look great! I wish I could be as skinny as you are" conversation that happens so often between two microscopically tiny women, and I haven't experienced the peer pressure that comes with watching all my friends eat a celery stick and 2 almonds for lunch. Nor have I ever avoided buying pants that fit because the tag said "6" and I could have sworn my ass was a 4. So as much as I try to put myself in y'all's shoes, I've honestly never been there. I don't know how it is.

That said, having spent my whole life on this side of the gender aisle, I can definitely tell you how it all looks to us -- most of you girls are crazy. Seriously. I'm convinced that the vast majority of women around here are more than a little bit dysmorphic.

There's been quite a bit of talk on this topic circling the blogosphere lately. I think it has something to do with being bathing suit season again. But I seriously think a lot of you need to get your eyes checked. If you do that, they're fine or your prescription is correct, and you still see that fat girl in the mirror? Then it's time to get your head checked out.

Case in point: A very good friend of mine is about 5'10". She weighs about 130, so she looks like Paris Hilton on a skinny day. Yet she worries every time she eats something and spends an hour in the gym every single day. Every day. Doesn't even take Sundays off. If she were to ask my opinion, I'd tell her to gain 20lbs or so, as would pretty much anyone she knows. But she thinks she needs to lose weight, and is trying as hard as she can to do so.

Now, she knows she has a tendency to see herself as being bigger than she is. It's a problem she's had in the past. So she doesn't ever weigh herself. She judges based on how well her clothes fit. Which is normally a good idea -- I'm a big proponent of the mirror and the clothes instead of the scale as measuring tools. That said, this particular case is a little different. 'Cause like I mentioned before, she's built like Paris Hilton, which means she's making these judgements based on a size that's ridiculously small for her height. It's extremely frustrating to see and hear how upset she is about her weight and how hard she's trying to change it when in my head I'm thinking "please for the love of god gain a few." With another fifteen or twenty pounds, she'd have pretty much exactly the body of the girl in the red bikini above.

'Cause really? As guys, that's what we want to see. The two girls in the middle are not only beautiful, but absolutely perfect. And normal, but that's what we want. Y'all are so busy shooting for "skinny" that you're missing the real point, which is "healthy." And it kills me that I have no idea how to help change these attitudes. Don't get me wrong, Roseanne Barr is not attractive. But neither is Nicole Ritchie.

So what can we as individuals do to help change the goals to "healthy" instead of skinny? How can we change things so that the women of tomorrow will see reality in the mirror instead of a distorted image? If anyone has any ideas (or you can maybe explain to me why it's so hard to see reality in a way that I can understand it), I'd love to hear from you. As, I'm sure, would every other frustrated and confused guy who reads this. Thanks.

P.S. -- If you're new here (thanks, Wonkette!), we're glad to see you. Kick your shoes off and stay a while. You can check out the archives at the bottom right, or read my favorites up at the top. And definitely throw your voice into the comments ring if you've got something to say. The more, the merrier.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Coming Of Age

In any male blogger's blog-life, at some point he needs to take a stand. More specifically, it's pretty much a requirement that he weigh in on the cunnilingus debate. That's right, you heard me correctly. Dining at the Y, eating her cake, munching the carpet... pick your favorite euphemism. Before I started reading blogs, I had no idea there were any questions about such things. Apparently, though, there are plenty of guys all across the spectrum, from "no way, man -- that's disgusting" to "I do it for her, but don't necessarily enjoy it" to "sure, it's fun" or "I absolutely live for it. One of my favorite things."

I don't think it's really any big surprise to anyone her that I fall firmly in the last category. As I've said before, the female form is a work of art, and I like to appreciate it as fully as possible. With all five of my senses. Why limit things to just touch and sight? Taste, smell, and hearing are totally important, too.

And this particular act? Well it covers all the bases. I'm captivated by it. If I could quit my job and just fly south for the winter I'd be in heaven. I'm also a big fan of reactions. Every woman I've ever been with reacts in ways that are very different, when you look at the subtleties. How does she move her body when she's enjoying herself? What kind of sounds does she make? Does she look at me, close her eyes, roll them back into her head? Where are her hands? It's a very intimate experience, and every single person is unique in how they recieve, and it's the subtleties that really make them all so distinctly beautiful.

I've heard (or read) guys complain about the taste or smell, and I'm a little surprised by that. While there's been a time or two that I've run into a woman who's not as hygenic as most or possibly has some sort of medical malady that affects things for the worse, the vast majority of y'all are undeniably amazing. The smell and taste is something uniquely feminine, as are virtually all of the aforementioned reactions. To me, it's just one of the moments in life where we are boiled down to our respective male and female essences, and that's the only thing that matters for a while.

Like I said, I never really realized there was such a big disparity in how guys felt. I mean, I figured there were a few out there who didn't like it, but there are a few girls who don't give blowjobs, either -- it's hardly the norm. And to be completely honest, I feel a little sad for those people on both sides. They're missing out on some of life's greatest pleasures. It's like sex, but different, and I think oral time is the only scenario where you have such complete control of exactly what your partner is feeling. Intercourse feels great, but I doubt any of us have quite the same coordination with our naughty bits that we do with our mouths. We just use those a lot more.

And those who can't enjoy that? Well... they're missing out. Big time.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Ever Sleep With A Congressman?

If so, you may be able to cash in. 'Course, blackmail might just be more lucrative in the long run, but if you take the windfall and invest wisely, you could definitely do pretty well for yourself.

This "what the hell is the world coming to" moment brought to you by Larry Flynt and Hustler magazine.