Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Too Soon?

*** Auction Update ***

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Ok girls, get your purses out. The auction starts at midnight. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on how this goes, so you should boost my fragile male ego and help a good cause all at the same time. ;-)

So I had a post all ready to go about the evils of Online Dating Syndrome (ODS), but you'll just have to wait until tomorrow for that, because Carrie M really got my brain going with this. I've been thinking about it pretty much nonstop since I read her blog yesterday. Chaco wrote a great post on the subject last month, and I completely agree with him, but I'm gonna go a little deeper on it here. In fact, if you're a girl who's ever wondered how soon is too soon to get physical, I'm probably either going to blow your mind or make you think I'm a nutjob with this:

It doesn't friggin' matter. Not a bit.

Honestly, I've never met a guy who said "oh, she was an awesome chick, the date was excellent, but I'm not going to call her again because she put out too early." I've never lost interest in someone because we got together too quickly. If a guy likes you, he's going to call you. No sane man would turn down the perfect woman because she liked him enough to get steamy. And if you hooked up and he didn't call you, he wouldn't have done it anyway. Basic "He's Not That Into You" theory. Seriously, I promise.

Now, everyone (male or female) is different, and we've all got different timelines. I'm not advocating sleeping with every guy you go on a date with here -- that's definitely not how I live my dating life. It's more that I think things should just flow. Do what you're comfortable with and don't do anything you're not. The problems come in when you try to plan things out. I don't believe in having any hard and fast rules. Every person you meet has a different vibe, as do your interactions with them. Sometimes you meet someone and it starts out lackluster but builds over time. On the other hand, sometimes you totally hit each other like a ton of bricks. On those occasions, I don't see anything wrong with taking advantage of explosive chemistry. It doesn't happen often, so why pass on it when it does?

I guess I just have a pretty modern, progressive view on sexuality in general. Sex is natural, good for you, and all kinds of fun. For the most part, I think the word "slut" is completely outdated. If a guy can be a stud, why can't a girl? I don't care how many partners my significant other has had, as long as I'm the only one she's got once we decide to go the committed route. In fact, I'd much rather date a girl with some experience under her belt than play teacher in the bedroom. I prefer a woman I'm involved with to be uninhibited and passionate. That's how I live my life, and it's how I like my relationships.

I've had 4 longer term relationships (I'm using the one year mark as my ruler here). Of those, two started rather quickly in the physical department, and two took a bit longer to get there, so I don't think it really has any bearing on whether we'll last or not. I didn't judge their "marriage potential" any differently based on how soon we hooked up or how dirty they liked it. In LMNt's world, compatibility is much more important than timeframe. The better our sex life was, the higher they rated in the sex portion of the survey.

Sleeping with someone you're interested in will usually make you more interested. It's a basic part of our biology -- when we have an orgasm, our brains release hormones that stimulate bonding. It's part of how we've evolved to protect our offspring. It won't make you less interested. Women get a much bigger dose of the bonding hormones than men do, but in my experience, sleeping with someone I'm attracted to will almost always build that attraction and leave me wanting more.

I think the reason this issue has become so big is that when you sleep with a guy who's not really interested but just wants to scratch the itch, most girls I know interpet it the wrong way. It's easier to say "I screwed up and slept with him too soon" than "he didn't really like me," because it's a rejection of your actions and not of you as a person. The question should be "how much does he like me" instead of "is it too soon?" That's why waiting longer can work to your advantage -- the guy who's just out to get some usually won't stick around. It's a screening tool, not a way to change how he feels.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is if you think he's the right guy, do what feels right. If you know he likes you, you're not going to lose him for being too aggressive or too "easy." You'll never lose the right person over "too much too soon," but you'll lose the wrong ones that way. I think we all tend to be a little too focused on what we can do to make them like us more than on how to best enjoy our mutual attraction. I'd especially love to hear thoughts from the guys on this. Back me up here.


Carrie M said...

you're like my muse. i started to leave a comment, then i pulled it and turned it into my post for the day.

good stuff to know, LMNT. i want to see what the other men have to say as well.

Ryane said...

LMNTL...I agree w/Carrie. Good post.

And on a completely different note...I must be doing something wrong b/c whenever I click on the link for the Bachelor auction--I don't see any photos. Are the photos posted already?

I-66 said...

I've always considered the "If I like her, I'll call her" premise to be fairly elementary, but I guess it doesn't necessarily translate to women because they're rarely in the "chaser" position and are normally the "chasee" -- is that even a word?

And I've been the bedroom teacher before, and it was such a bad experience that I've sworn off doing it ever again. Granted, I guess it depends on whether I meet someone who I really want to teach, but for now -- no way.

Ryane - are you clicking "go to auction" when you get there?

Kathryn Is So Over said...

I agree. If he's into you, he calls.

However, I will say that a relationship with no potential is often more likely to continue past its natural length when you jump right to sex because of great chemistry. If you wait until you feel sure of the other person, you either get to move on without the messy additional entanglement of sex, or you have fantastic sex with someone you actually care about.

Obvy, I advocate waiting at least a little while with everyone. If you can. And I know sometimes you can't.

LMNt said...

Carrie M -- Glad you like what I have to say.

Ryane -- Like I-66 said, click the "go to auction" link.

I-66 -- Isn't it interesting how some things that seem so obvious to us aren't to the opposite sex?

Kathryn -- Good points. I can't really say that I'm either pro- or anti-waiting. I see good arguments on both sides. Like I said, it's really about that particular person/situation.

rcr said...

I concur.

I will concede that there may have been an easy/slutty factor when we were in high school, but as an adult I don't really care. If a guy sleeps with you and then doesn't call, he's not not calling because you put out too early. He just didn't want this to go anywhere in the first place. Men are can be completely fine with sleeping with girls they are totally not into. Especially where booze is involved.

Definitely, "If I like her, I'll call her"

Carrie M said...

i can't speak for my entire sex, but i do know that for me and for several of my friends - we just can't dumb it down that much for some reason. it's wired into us to overthink certain things sometimes. i'm not saying this is a wonderful thing, i'm just sayin'.

Ryane said...

LMNT and I-66: Yes, I was clicking 'Go to Auction' and it must have been my work computer b/c I had no trouble viewing the pics at home. Thanks for the suggestions!

DCWeddingPhotog said...

As a female, I think I am wired to be an over-thinker. I put way too much thought into everything, especially guys.

When a guy says he likes you, he probably likes you. If a girl says she likes you, she may be too embarassed to say she's just not that into you. I'm passive aggressive like that... emphasis on the aggressive ;-)

Trail Girl said...

You don't know me - I'm just exploring some new (to me) D.C. blogs. I just had to comment on this in particular:

It's easier to say "I screwed up and slept with him too soon" than "he didn't really like me," because it's a rejection of your actions and not of you as a person.

It's rare that someone says something logical and yet emotionally intuitive regarding relationships that I haven't heard before, and this made me do a double-take. Very good.

nicole d. said...

I wish this blog had been around years ago! Having a guy's point of vue on this kind of thing would totally have saved me weeks of overanalysing every detail. I have slowly trained myself to analyse less. But its soooo hard not to. I will try to be like water and just go with the flow next time the opportunity presents itself...;)

Beamtendave said...

Lmnt and i-66 say some good things, but I have to agree with Kathryn wholeheartedly. "Sex and no call" is not nearly as awful as the "sex before we develop true intimacy" thing that can drag out seemingly forever... At least the former the girl can just think the guy was an asshole. The latter, there the guy keeps it going solely because he likes the sex, and the girl keeps wondering why he's so distant and only calls when he's drunk at 2:30am. A truly interested guy can wait a few dates before he gets into a girl's pants. Surely that's enough time to make sure the chemistry wasn't those last two mojitos...

I could be wrong though. Am writing this after a very long happy hour, so take it all with a grain of salt. :)

LMNt said...

RCR -- Why is this such a tough concept for some people?

Carrie M -- Guys do it too sometimes. It's all about avoiding it whenever you can.

Ryane -- Glad it worked for ya.

DCWeddingPhotog -- Lots of girls work that way. Actions speak louder.

Trail Girl -- Glad you like it here. Get comfy and stay awhile. I checked out your blog and you're totally going on my "daily reads" list. :-)

Nicole D -- Exactly. Bruce Lee. "Be like water, my friend."

BeamtenDave -- Like I mentioned to Kathryn, I really have no opinion b/c I see the positives in both approaches. I guess my point was that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

Trail Girl said...

Thanks! Looking forward to seeing you around :)