Too Soon?

*** Auction Update ***

Ok girls, get your purses out. The auction starts at midnight. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on how this goes, so you should boost my fragile male ego and help a good cause all at the same time. ;-)

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So I had a post all ready to go about the evils of Online Dating Syndrome (ODS), but you'll just have to wait until tomorrow for that, because Carrie M really got my brain going with this. I've been thinking about it pretty much nonstop since I read her blog yesterday. Chaco wrote a great post on the subject last month, and I completely agree with him, but I'm gonna go a little deeper on it here. In fact, if you're a girl who's ever wondered how soon is too soon to get physical, I'm probably either going to blow your mind or make you think I'm a nutjob with this:

It doesn't friggin' matter. Not a bit.

Honestly, I've never met a guy who said "oh, she was an awesome chick, the date was excellent, but I'm not going to call her again because she put out too early." I've never lost interest in someone because we got together too quickly. If a guy likes you, he's going to call you. No sane man would turn down the perfect woman because she liked him enough to get steamy. And if you hooked up and he didn't call you, he wouldn't have done it anyway. Basic "He's Not That Into You" theory. Seriously, I promise.

Now, everyone (male or female) is different, and we've all got different timelines. I'm not advocating sleeping with every guy you go on a date with here -- that's definitely not how I live my dating life. It's more that I think things should just flow. Do what you're comfortable with and don't do anything you're not. The problems come in when you try to plan things out. I don't believe in having any hard and fast rules. Every person you meet has a different vibe, as do your interactions with them. Sometimes you meet someone and it starts out lackluster but builds over time. On the other hand, sometimes you totally hit each other like a ton of bricks. On those occasions, I don't see anything wrong with taking advantage of explosive chemistry. It doesn't happen often, so why pass on it when it does?

I guess I just have a pretty modern, progressive view on sexuality in general. Sex is natural, good for you, and all kinds of fun. For the most part, I think the word "slut" is completely outdated. If a guy can be a stud, why can't a girl? I don't care how many partners my significant other has had, as long as I'm the only one she's got once we decide to go the committed route. In fact, I'd much rather date a girl with some experience under her belt than play teacher in the bedroom. I prefer a woman I'm involved with to be uninhibited and passionate. That's how I live my life, and it's how I like my relationships.

I've had 4 longer term relationships (I'm using the one year mark as my ruler here). Of those, two started rather quickly in the physical department, and two took a bit longer to get there, so I don't think it really has any bearing on whether we'll last or not. I didn't judge their "marriage potential" any differently based on how soon we hooked up or how dirty they liked it. In LMNt's world, compatibility is much more important than timeframe. The better our sex life was, the higher they rated in the sex portion of the survey.

Sleeping with someone you're interested in will usually make you more interested. It's a basic part of our biology -- when we have an orgasm, our brains release hormones that stimulate bonding. It's part of how we've evolved to protect our offspring. It won't make you less interested. Women get a much bigger dose of the bonding hormones than men do, but in my experience, sleeping with someone I'm attracted to will almost always build that attraction and leave me wanting more.

I think the reason this issue has become so big is that when you sleep with a guy who's not really interested but just wants to scratch the itch, most girls I know interpet it the wrong way. It's easier to say "I screwed up and slept with him too soon" than "he didn't really like me," because it's a rejection of your actions and not of you as a person. The question should be "how much does he like me" instead of "is it too soon?" That's why waiting longer can work to your advantage -- the guy who's just out to get some usually won't stick around. It's a screening tool, not a way to change how he feels.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is if you think he's the right guy, do what feels right. If you know he likes you, you're not going to lose him for being too aggressive or too "easy." You'll never lose the right person over "too much too soon," but you'll lose the wrong ones that way. I think we all tend to be a little too focused on what we can do to make them like us more than on how to best enjoy our mutual attraction. I'd especially love to hear thoughts from the guys on this. Back me up here.