Ask LMNt Friday -- January 26, 2006
Hey guys, you know what day it is. This week's guest is Jamy from Grateful Dating. She's a real pro at this stuff, with great perspectives and a very interesting blog. If you haven't read it, check it out. Now let's get to the question. I met a guy online, and we've been seeing each other for about two months. I really like him. The other day, I logged in and saw he's been active in the last 24 hours. We've been sleeping together, so it really bugs me. What gives?
Feeling Betrayed writes:
Jamy says:
It's ok to ask him about it, but keep in mind that you will have to explain why you were online. He'll probably give an answer like, "Oh, I was just curious to see if I'd had any responses." If you've kept your account alive, this kind of curiosity is understandable, but, even under the best of circumstances, it means he's not fully engaged in his relationship with you.
It's time to set some ground rules about what is and isn't acceptable behavior. Think about it before you talk to him. Make sure you don't set ultimatums that you won't keep or that don't really matter to you. I'd say after two months of dating and sleeping together, it's time to hide your online profile. Actually, the last time I started dating someone, I hid my profile the day after our first date...but that's because I knew we were going to keep seeing each other. Your guy should know this by now and it's time to stop logging in. That goes for you too.
LMNt says:
Great points, Jamy. I don't know that I agree that he's definitely not into her, though. I think she should cut him a little slack, and here's why.
The way I see it you've actually got two issues here -- his activity on the dating site, and his commitment to you or lack thereof. Let's start with the online activity.
I wouldn't necessarily assume he's out there on the prowl for women. He very well may be, but it's just as likely that he's not. I've been known to sign in to delete "winks" or emails, to window-shop with no intention of actually contacting anyone, or to give a friend an opinion on her profile. Hell, he could have even been looking to see if you have been active. You never know what's in his head unless you ask, but be very careful not to start the discussion in a way that implies you've been checking up on him. That's red flag territory. Remember, you've signed in recently yourself, or you wouldn't be asking about this.
That said, it seems to me that the real issue here for you is commitment, and that can be a sticky subject these days. Have you all discussed whether you're seeing other people or not? For a lot of guys out there, dating other people is absolutely fair game until you've had "the talk." In fact, I tell my female friends that they should always assume their guy is seeing other girls until he's actually said he's not. I actually know a few guys who will keep going on dates when their heart's not really in it because the girl hasn't brought up commitment yet and they don't want to be too available or easy-to-get. In most areas of dating, men take the lead, but when it comes to commitment, the L word, or other areas that women are traditionally more concerned with than men, guys usually sit back and wait for her to bring it up.
So my recommendation to you is to forget about his online activity and start a discussion about not seeing other people. If you've been hooking up for two months, and you want to be in a relationship with this guy, it's definitely about the right time to get it out there. Hell, if you've been seeing a lot of each other (say three or four times a week), the discussion's probably overdue. He could be just as confused about the situation as you are, if not more so. If he is that into you, chances are he's probably not dating other people and he'll jump at the opportunity. If he doesn't, it's a good sign that it may be time to drop him and move on to the next one. But I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt. In general, guys aren't as good at subtle things as women are, and he probably doesn't know the rules if you two haven't verbally spelled them out. Have the talk, but don't crack the whip -- make sure it's a two-sided productive discussion around how both of you feel about your relationship and commitment.
Don't Forget!
If you've got a question you'd like me (and possibly a pretty cool female blogger) to address, send it in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com. Have a great weekend!
9 comments:
I never thought I'd say this, but I completely agree with LMNT. I feel sick.
Good points by everyone, though it doesn't make me feel nauseated, AR-JEW-TINO.
One other thing - if he gets alerts via email from the dating site, he could have logged in to view them. No harm in that. Also, any chance he clicked the "in a relationship" box while he was in there? Secret profile changes (of that nature) are hot.
Hey hey hey, nice to see that dating advice lives on in the blog world! :)
Ar-Jew-Tino -- Good thing you now have a month's worth of pills to take for that. Don't get pregnant.
Big -- Exactly. There's no reason to assume right off the bat he's out "looking."
Kathryn -- You're better at it than I am. I'm saving your turn for a really tough question, so keep that thinking cap handy.
"...always assume their guy is seeing other girls until he's actually said he's not..."
This is spot-on advice, and think it can be extended to say, "assume he is sleeping with other people".
But it goes both ways. Girls can also keep dating other people until "The Talk".
As far as game theory goes, you don't want to be the first one to stop dating. I know that's harsh, but it's best to keep a few on the back burner until you are sure.
An ex of mine begged me to be exclusive but didn't stop dating other people for months after I finally agreed. He was in a band so it was tough for me to know exactly what was going on. I am still mad about it because I honored my commitment when I could have kept having fun and dating him casually.
Also, before you've had the talk, do you have an obligation to be honest about other people you are dating? Normally I would advocate being honest with your sexual partners, but there's a complication. Guys get upset if you admit to sleeping with other people, even when they're doing it too. That's the Slut Factor and I blog about it a lot.
So, because guys will get upset and call you a slut if you admit to sleeping with other people, is it okay to demure on the question? It really isn't any of his business if he isn't exclusive with you.
I know what most of you are going to say, but, as the sluttiest DC blogger, I had to put it out there.
(I might post this on my blog too)
Slut factor: There are a lot more of us--men and women--than those who openly admit it, so I assume--particularly if you meet online--that everyone is dating around until otherwise stated.
Personally, I take a 'dont ask, don't tell' approach--UNTIL I know I want to ask and tell. However, I've had a difficult situation when someone else automatically ASSumed that since we had gone out a few times we were an item. He freaked out when he found out otherwise and questioned my abiilty to ever be in a committed relationship, blah blah blah.
So, while I don't have The Talk right away, I let it be known very early on that i prefer to take things casually and "date around" until we are both sure we want more....I suppose its not quite "the Talk" but more like the "Offhand Whisper."
I don't say anything in that I'm seeing other people until the talk. Unfortunately, I have a hard time dating more than one person though, so if it's someone I like, I don't try real hard to keep a few on the backburner, even though I know that's the best policy. But that's just me.
Pagan - that's an interesting point, that they don't want to hear it. I've been thinking a little bit about that lately myself.
All in all, I agree with you LMNT.
I find the whole thing so incredibly complicated. I would automatically assume that if the guy I'm going out with has been online recently, he's not that into me. But LMNT could be right. And then there's the issue of sleeping with people - I can't manage sleeping with more than one person, but that either means that I put off having sex while dating multiple people, which just sucks, or just go on very light dates with other guys but feel duplicitous, knowing that I like someone I'm dating enough to sleep with him, but am still out dating so as not to be too available/too into that one person.
She seems to think having sex equals exclusivity. My take - you're not "exclusive" unless you've had the "let's be exclusive" conversation. He doesn't have to explain or justify anything, if that conversation hasn't taken place.
If I were him, I wonder about her logging in to check up on me, frankly.
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