Skin Deep?

This post comes with a warning label: The following essay is not politically correct. If you are easily offended, especially by harsh truths concering superficial topics like weight and/or physical appearance, you should not read it. Perhaps you'll find something more to your liking here.

There's a saying we've all heard about people that goes something like "it's what's on the inside that counts." When it comes to dating, though, it's only half true. While your personality is definitely the most important factor in building a good relationship, in the real world, your looks are what open the door to that possibility. Humans are visual creatures, and unless you've got something else going on like fame, money, power, or what have you, it's what's on the outside that people initially notice and use to make that first "would I or wouldn't I" decision.

Let me put this another way. Looks matter. They're very important. If you don't look your absolute best when you meet new people, you are most likely severely limiting your options in the dating world. If you're out of shape, overweight, poorly dressed, sloppy in the hygeine department, or have any other number of appearance related faux pas going on, you've got some work to do. And don't give me that crap about how they should like you for your personality, because, while you're right in the long-term view, you're not giving them any incentive to get to know what that personality's like in the short term.

Now that I've said that, I believe just about everyone can improve their natural look by at least two notches on the one-to-ten scale by making a little effort to look better. Some people need more work than others, but the only thing you can't improve with a little effort is the way your face is put together. If you're a five, you could be an seven (or better), a six can become an eight, and so on and so forth(keep in mind there's no such thing as a ten -- they only exist in movies, television, and magazines). So here's a few tips on what you can do to improve your chances with the opposite (or same, if that's how you work) sex.


For Guys:

- For chrissake, learn a little bit about fashion. I'm not saying you need to hold your breath at the newsstand for the latest issue of Vogue or watch Project Runway every week (although it's an awesome show that features sexy model chicks), but pick up an issue of GQ every few months or check out the back of Maxim sometime. Yes, the back... you know, the part that features guys in cool clothing instead of scantily clad women or snarky articles about high tech gadgetry? Check out what's in, figure out what styles best express your personality, and pick up a few similar things at Target or something. No need to break the bank to look good. Keep in mind, it's less about the pants and the shirt than it is the complimentary pieces. A cool blazer, interesting necklace, or a ring or two goes miles. Also, don't get designer jeans and a white button down with blue stripes. Your goal is to express your personality in a fun way and stand out from the sheeple. If you look just like them, you're doing it wrong. Having trouble? Lots of girls love to help a guy shop for cool clothes. If you have any questions, bring a female fashionista friend. Chances are, she'll not only be a huge help, but she'll have a blast doing it.

- Get a good pair of jeans. Maybe two. If you're a jeans and t-shirt guy (like I am 90% of the time), that's fine, but make sure the t-shirts fit and the jeans are bangin'. Again, you don't have to drop a couple hundred bucks on something designer -- mine are levis. Just check out all the different cuts and styles available, find the one that looks the best on you, and pick them up. Make sure you've got the right size, please. I don't want to know what your underwear looks like.

- Shoes. Women love shoes. Again, look at some magazines, find something you like in there, and go buy something similar. Classy shoes are a huge date-booster.

- Get yourself a sexy haircut that fits your face. If you know what that looks like, great! No big investment required here. Go to a good barbershop and have them do it. Then go back when it stops looking good, usually once a month or so. If you don't know what works for you, you're probably going to have to spend a bit more on the first one, with a little "Queer Eye style" help. Here's how you do it. Find a really high end fancy shmancy hair salon in the city. Visit long enough to figure out who the gay male hairdresser is. Make sure you get a gay one -- he'll be a lot more help than the straight guys. Don't worry, gay hairdressers usually fit the stereotypes pretty well, so he'll be easy to spot. Once you're in the chair, tell him you want the ladies to wet their pants when they see you and it's up to him to style your hair so that happens. This will be expensive, but when you're done, you can snap a picture and just take that with you to your favorite $8.00 barbershop from then on.

- If you're out of shape or overweight, learn a little bit about nutrition and get yourself a gym membership. Can't afford a gym? No sweat, there are plenty of ways to get a good workout without one. Run in your neighborhood or do step-ups on the stairs at home. It's not nearly as hard to lose weight or get into shape as most people like to make it seem -- when my metabolism kicked in, I woke up one day 30 lbs over where I should be, and I dropped it in a month and a half, even though I'd never picked up a weight in my life before that. People like to make it seem hard because it gives them an excuse to be lazy.

Men, I know you hear all the time that guys are visual creatures and women are more into what's on the inside, but it's crap. Trust me. I got a lot more popular once I learned these things, and you will too.


For Girls:

- I'm not going to talk to you about fashion... chances are, you get it better than I do, and if you don't you've got a friend who does. That said, please, for the love of god, wear clothes that fit. If you're sporting the muffin top or your ass grows two sizes when it's no longer restrained by your jeans, that's bad. If you're carrying a little extra weight, don't wear skintight tops -- I'm sure you've seen someone who's got her rolls hanging out, and it's not a pretty sight to us manly types, either. On the other hand, if you look like a high school goth girl with oversized clothing that hides your curves, you're wasting a precious asset. Bottom line, wear the right size for your body.

- Learn to put on makeup so that it appears you're not wearing any. It can definitely be done. I've known (and/or dated) several women who are masters at this. While most guys prefer the natural look, for about 60% or more of you (yes, I pulled that number out of my head -- best guess), the natural look is more flattering than completely natural.

- Keep your hair in good shape. Yes, most girls are pretty good at this one, but I'll mention it anyway. Wash it regularly, condition, and pick a style that works for you. I'll let you in on a little not-so-secret here: pretty much every guy I know prefers it long. If you cut it shorter than, say, your jawline, you're probably missing chances.

- Look up at the guy's list and read the one that starts with "if you're out of shape or overweight..."

It's no big secret that most guys want a hot girlfriend. The bigger secret is that almost every girl is fully capable of being hot girlfriend material. Try it out, and you'll probably be quite surprised that how men react to the new you.


I think deep down, there's a shallow part of all of us that really wants our significant other to be someone everyone else is jealous of and wishes they had. Looks, while by far not the only part, are a pretty darn big part of that.

Sound good? Anyone have anything to add? You know how to do it...

See y'all at happy hour. Oh, and don't forget to send your romantic dilemmas to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com.