Friday, December 15, 2006

They're ALL My Soulmates

So you're looking for someone who's smart, attractive, funny, caring, athletic, sweet, witty, down-to-earth, adventurous, and confident? Wow, what an amazing coincidence -- me too! And you're all those things as well? I gotta tell you, I'm pretty excited that everyone on here seems to be perfect for me.

In fact, all these women tell me how they're "equally comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt or a little black coctail dress," they "love to laugh," and their "friends put [them] up to this". They like movies, music, and travel, and they're looking for a "partner in crime". They "love to go out, but enjoy a good night in, too." And, like me, they're "tired of the bar scene".

I'm a huge fan of girls who have "alot" of friends, love "they're" pets so much they put seventeen photos of them in their profiles, and take so much pride in assuring me that "your definately not gong to be disepointed!" And on the subject of pictures, it's soooo cute that every one of yours is with the same 8 girlfriends and you're all out double-fisting it at the club. Pulling you away from that clique and hanging out sober won't be any problem at all. The fact that you have 12 microscopic pics of your face and none that show anything below the neck? Adorable. I don't really need to know what you look like. I mean, just because I torture myself at the gym three times a week doesn't mean I care what kind of shape you're in. To be honest, I totally lust after "curvy" girls... especially now that I know that it means one large, round curve. Maybe I should edit my profile to point out that I have one visible (albeit slightly round and not 100% muscle) ab.

That half-picture you cut your ex-boyfriend out of really shows me how much fun you'll be in a relationship. I'm especially looking forward to fulfilling my secret Tammy Faye Baker fantasy, but you'll need to recreate the look you've got in the glamour shot from the mall you're using as your main pic -- HOTT!!! The ones from your webcam where you don't seem to be wearing any clothes? That's exactly what I'm looking for in a girl... let's meet. Great tattoo, btw. And of course, I'm especially fond of the beautiful sunrise and scenery pictures you took with no people in them. You've got talent.

To LonelyHearted47 from Iowa who's 20 years older than me and wrote me to tell me how perfect I am, I'm working on that plane ticket and I'll see you soon. I'm already in love with you, too.

Ukraine4U, of course I'll marry you and help you come to the states. You are my soulmate, after all.

Oh, and BustyBecky6969 -- I found the "racier pics I can't post here" on your geocities site, and I put in my credit card number, but I can't seem to find your phone number on the last page like you said? Call me. I'm not sure what NSA means, but I'm sure we'll have lots of fun together.


reluctant dater said...

you crack me up...but mostly because it is SO MY REACTION to my foray into online dating (and why i gave it up...hopefully, for good). but, finding "love" in other ways is not so easy either.

i think it's great there's a man out there who's going through the same things we gals are.

Anonymous said...

well done

Golden Silence said...

I never understood why people need to lie in their online personals. I've met too many guys on there who don't look a thing like they'd claim to be, nor be as nice as the portrayed themselves as. I've given up on finding "love" like that. Good luck with your online quest.

Red said...

A chick I worked with once scoffed that a dude got mad at her since she was 20lbs heavier than her glamour shot photo online.
I just looked at her and said "DUH!"

NotCarrie said...

I had an online dating profile before, but I think I made it boring on purposed bc I didn't really want to have to go through the trouble of figuring out if someone was going to kill me or not.

But then I took it down once some guy from high school wrote me.

Dan said...

Great post, allow me to add my favorite: In response to the profile questions, when they write "you'll have to get to know me and find out!" or "become my best friend and I'll tell you!"

Yes, please be coy and waste everyone's time. On an online dating profile, you definitely want to play hard to get, badly - that totally gets us guys hot.