Non Negotiables -- Part 1

Last night, someone asked me (hi! It was fun :-)) what my non negotiables are in a relationship -- you know, those things that are vital to you, the absolute must-haves in a person you date. After pondering for a minute, I came up with the one I think is the most important to a good partnership (but there are a few others, hence the "Part 1" in the title):

She's got to be able to argue productively.

I mean, you can't have a long term relationship with absolutely no conflict. People don't always agree, and if they did, it would be boooo-ring. There are some couples out there that never argue, but every one I've known has broken up at some point, usually out of the blue -- the relationship just can't handle the strain of so much repressed emotion. I mean, let's face it, you just can't be on the same page all the time. While it may be ideal, it's not a realistic expectation.

I'm not advocating expressing and arguing about every little percieved slight, either. Nobody's perfect, people make mistakes, and some things are better off if you just let them go. You've got to pick and choose your battles (hey, could I have used any more cliches in the last few sentences? Yeah, didn't think so). But when something is really a big deal to one or the other of you, I think it's pretty vital to get it out in the open and deal with it.

So what do I consider to be "productive" arguing? Well, there are a few key points.

Stick to the subject -- The past is the past, and the discussion you're having now is the present. They're two different things. Unless the disagreement is on a set pattern you have that you've discussed before, there's absolutely no reason to bring past arguments or slights into the conversation. So leave out the stuff about how he forgot your anniversary or that she was flirting with a guy at that happy hour last month. It has no bearing on what's important right now, and hopefully you've already resolved those issues.

Don't play dirty -- Every once in a while, we all blurt out something that's not the nicest when the heat is on. You know, that thing you said that really served no purpose except to evoke an emotional reaction or hurt someone's feelings. When you're upset, it's really easy to lash out with a "you're just like your mother," or "if you really loved me..." Keep it to a minimum. Obviously we aren't always in control, and we can't eliminate this kind of thing completely, but the less of it you do, the better. If your partner slips and you're on the recieving end of this type of comment, recognize it for what it is, ignore it, and stay on topic. Fighting back with a similar barb will do nothing but prolong the argument and hurt your partner.

Remember you're on the same team -- A good relationship is pretty clearly "us against the world," not "you against me." If you're fighting, it's because you both want the same thing -- to be happy together. You're simply disagreeing on how best to do that. Your partner is not the enemy, but someone you care about enough to deal with a little unpleasantness in hopes of having a relationship that works better for both of you. In the long run, a good disagreement will improve the way you interact with each other. So try not to be adversarial. If you resolve the conflict together, you both win, and if you don't, you both lose. You're allies, and you love (or if you're not there yet, really like) each other.

Have the right goals -- All too often, arguing couples think that the goal is to win. That you're wrong and I'm right and you need to agree with me. What you really want is to thoroughly understand each other's positions and come to some sort of resolution that works for both of you with the least unpleasantness possible. The faster you get from point A (I'm upset) to point B (I really understand your position, you understand mine, and we're cool again) the better. Sometimes the resolution is "I see what you're saying and I was wrong. I'm sorry it hurt you and I'll watch out for this type of thing in the future." On the other hand, sometimes it's "we disagree on this, but it's cool. We can agree to disagree and we still love each other anyway." Like I said before, if anyone truly wins an argument, it's both of you. You now have a better understanding of each other and what's important to the relationship.

Be clear about how you feel and what you want -- Don't get upset and give the other person the silent treatment. Don't do the "nothing's wrong" and sulk. Make sure the other person knows exactly what's going on. I'm a big fan of "here's what happened, here's how it made me feel, and here's why it's unacceptable to me." There's nothing worse than trying to figure out where you screwed up and trying to make amends without knowing what you're making amends for. Get things out in the open, try to put yourself in the other person's head, and make sure they have enough information to get into yours. This is HUGE to keeping conflicts short and sweet.

Don't hold a grudge -- Once you've come to some sort of understanding, you're done. It's not cool to leave someone in the doghouse when they've made a genuine effort to make things right. If you need a minute to collect yourself, that's fine, but when an argument is over, it's OVER. That's the end. It doesn't come up again later (unless the same offense is committed again) and you don't sulk for the next few hours. It's just not fair to your partner.

Kiss and make up -- It's important to reconnect and reconfirm your good feelings for each other, and make-up sex is some of the best there is. 'Nuff said.