Friday, December 22, 2006

Give Me a First Date...

So you're popular. You get (or give out) a lot of phone numbers. You date a lot. In fact, you have coffee with a new potential romantic prospect once or twice a week, but strangely enough, things never seem to go any farther. There just never seems to be that magical spark that makes you want to do all sorts of naughty things to them. Why? Well, it's probably because you're doing the wrong things.

The "Coffee Date" has pretty much become the standard first date, at least in this area among the people I know. Guys love it because it's cheap, and everyone loves that it's low pressure and open ended. If you're having a great time, coffee can easily be extended, and if you're not, you can down your mocha-frappa-pumpkin-pie-latte-whatever and get the hell outta there.

Sounds perfect, right? NO FRIGGIN' WAY!!! I wouldn't be caught dead on a coffee date. It's probably got about a 0.03% success rate. I mean, hello? It's boring! And as much as its advocates swear otherwise, I personally think it's too high pressure. I mean, picture it -- form an image in your mind here. You're sitting at a table, in a brightly lit room, in the middle of the afternoon, staring down a stranger and trying to think of something to talk about. When the conversation starts, most likely it's all "what do you do," "where do you live," and "so what do you do for fun?" That's a job interview, not a date. I don't think there's a single environment where you're more guaranteed NOT to have chemistry. Ok, maybe there is, but I don't usually pick up girls in funeral homes or the intensive care wing of the hospital.

The whole point of a first date, as I mentioned here, is to figure out if this is someone you'd like to spend time with. See if you click. What makes it happen? Well, first of all, you have fun together. That's my biggest requirement. A first date should be spent laughing, flirting, teasing, horsing around, and having the time of your life. So the best first dates, in my opinion, are activities that are actually fun, and spark the kind of vibes that make flirting and playing easy. I hate to say this, gentlemen, but you may actually have to get creative. Show her how you like to have fun.

I aim this at the guys simply because of the basic differences between the masculine and femine roles in a relationship. While I don't believe that a woman's place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, I do think that women love a guy who can take charge. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love a confident, independent, assertive woman, and I wouldn't date a girl who isn't all of those things, but I'm planning the first few dates. That's my job. I know how and when to take charge. Being a man means never saying "I dunno, what do you want to do?"

I always have a main plan and a plan B. That way, I can say "let's get together -- here's what I'm thinking," and if it's not her cup of tea, I've got a backup plan, but I'm still leading the interaction, and I know we'll end up doing something where I'll have fun, whether I like her or not.

So next time you're setting up a date, do something interesting. Play pool, sing karaoke, rock the putt-putt, hit a batting cage. Have a drink scavenger hunt -- make a list of favorite drinks together and great bars that are close to each other geographically, then hit each bar for one drink on the list. Check out the Air & Space museum. Walk the monuments at midnight (they're open all night). Get a picture of yourselves at several different local landmarks (or get on the metro and snap a shot at every stop on the line). Go to the Church of Scientology and take their personality test together (but don't join the cult... that would be a turnoff). Just please, for the love of god, be creative. The better an event you plan, the more fun you're likely to have, and the more fun you have, the better the chances you hit it off and get that second date.

P.S. -- My absolute favorite date is cooking something together with a great bottle of red wine, but it's usually better left for the second date, third, or beyond. Ever made sushi? Awesome.

8 comments:

Jamy said...

Wow, I think I love you! (Don't tell my bf.)

Kathryn Is So Over said...

I have never had a coffee shop date go anywhere else. And I've had a bunch. In fact, the less sure I am of a guy I meet online, the more likely I am to do the coffee shop option.

I'm a big fan of drinks and/or dinner as a first date. You're just too wild and creative for me. :)

LMNt said...

Jamy -- I can keep a secret. I'm also a shameless flirt, so I may pretend he doesn't exist. ;-)

Kathryn -- Drinks is a pretty common first date for me, as is live music. Everyone seems more attractive with dim lighting and alcohol. I've actually done all the things I mentioned above, too. It depends on how up for adventure she seems to be -- sometimes you gotta warm up to the creative stuff.

DCVita said...

LOL, I am supposed to have a "coffee date" next week. Now, I don't want to go! Maybe I can use one of your suggestions instead!

Btw, I can totally see this turning into a book! The do's/don't of online dating from a man's point of view!!

Ashburnite said...

I agree- coffee dates are horrible. you don't have time to really get to know the person, plus there's no distraction- no food, nada. I would have to say one of my favorite first dates was drinks and darts at KP's. It gave us a chance to laugh and have fun. plus, it was a great way of seeing how competitve the guy was and to see how well he took being beaten by a girl :-)

Anonymous said...

Great points. Getting to know someone over coffee does little to break the ice and doesn't allow for much flirting. For such a "casual" date, it's actually pretty rigid and stifling. Love the job interview comment as well -- "so what do you do for fun?" is not a question that ever comes up in normal conversation and has no place on a date. Thanks for giving some good backups for the next time I have to veto the coffee date!

Airam said...

Ok I came across your blog and now I can't stop reading.

I hate the coffee first date scenario too. The last guy I dated, I told him that I didn't want to do the coffee so I suggested glow in the dark mini-putt. It was great because we had something to focus on other than eachother (which is really nerve-racking to begin with) ... and we wound up extending it by having sushi and then going to a portuguese bakery. It was probably the best first date I've ever had (even though the little bugger tried to take credit for the idea).

Anonymous said...

I rather know a girl when she's sober than when she is slightly drunk.

Dim lights are OK if you look for shades of perception instead of reality.

Although I'm the picky type, I'd say I've been pretty successful with coffee dates, which sometimes is just a starter for too many other things depending on how much you connect.

It all depends on what you're looking for.

I'm not looking for the occasional sex anyway or a Summer affair.

And just a coffee date can sparkle lots of chemistry as well! And you get to actually talk to the person, and know her in an environment which is similar to the one we will likely have for most of your lives (aka Normal Life).

Sometimes I don't understand Seduction. Is like you pretend to be someone you are not. Those creative things you mention are great, but can you deliver them for 10, 20, 30 years of being married?

That's why I choose to know a girl in her regular normal life instead of meeting her in an environment where everyone is likely to shine anyway.

My 2 romantic cents.