Carry-On or Check, Please?

Dagny posted about baggage the other day, and it really got my wheels turning.

See, I think it's pretty unreasonable to expect a new partner to come baggage-free. We've all dated before, and we've all had experiences in the past, both good and bad, that contribute to who we are today. That said, I think I tend to come into new interations looking a lot like this:

As I (and the people I know) get older, though, more and more people I meet, both in romantic and platonic contexts, seem to be daters a lot closer to this persuasion:

What is "baggage," though? I mean, we throw the word around a lot these days, and we all know it when we see it, but what exactly does the term really mean? I think it's a little bit different for everybody, but when I say it, here's what I'm usually talking about.

Baggage is the effects of past experience that have negatively impacted the bearer, causing him or her to act out of fear in certain scenarios, especially in a romantic context.

I think that's a pretty good definition, and it encompasses a lot of things. It could be an overly/extremely guarded or cautious approach to dating (fairly common), a fear of the vulnerability that comes with commitment disguised as a genuine disinterest in having a boyfriend or girlfriend (BBTY, I'm talking to you), or negative feelings towards certain phrases or scenarios ("what are you wearing?" from Dagny's post), due to the way past partners handled them. If you've ever had a jealous or controlling partner who's tried to discourage you from your dreams, make you think you're not good enough, or kill any outside social life that doesn't include them, you're a lot less likely to expose yourself fully to the next one, because who's to say they won't try to do the same thing? Even if they don't seem to be that type of person, the last one didn't seem so at first either, right? That's baggage, too.

But a good relationship with the right person will never make your life smaller. Quite the opposite, acually. A good partner will appreciate and encourage all the things that made your life happy before they came along, while adding whatever positives they can to the mix as well. They'll push you towards your goals, celebrate your successes with you, and make your life bigger, fuller, and happier than it was without them. Ironically enough, when we act on our baggage, the best potential partners for us are the ones we're the most likely to drive away. They understand better than most two simple facts: In order to have a deep, intimate emotional connection, the kind that lasts and outshines all others, you have to expose yourself -- to make yourself vulnerable to the other person and give them the power to hurt you. And if you give that power to someone who's too afraid to give it back, you will get hurt. It's an absolute certainty. The people who are smart and experienced enough to actually have those positive relationships will pass on that losing bet every time. They'll be patient. They'll give us time to fight the fear, but if it beats us, they'll move on.

So how do we avoid such missed opportunities, keep our baggage packed away, and pursue those relationships that will truly make our lives better? I think the answer is extremely simple, but as difficult to acheive as it is easy to say.

Keep the past in the past. Expect the best from people until they give us reasons to suspect otherwise. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Be concious of where our fears come from. As scary as it is, expose our vulnerabilities to those who we think can bring us joy. Give them the power to hurt us, and have faith in them to guard that power instead of abusing it. And above all, live by what's possibly the most well known quote in American history:

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt."

Mark Twain was a smart man.