Case in Point
So I talk a lot about "nice guys," and how being one is not the answer. How you can be a good guy and still have a backbone. Most of you understand this, but just in case there's a guy or two out there (or a girl... it totally works both ways) who really doesn't get it yet, I'd like to share something I got in the mail the other day.
"I had never replied to a post on Craig's List before but a week or so ago, I saw an add posted by "Good Guy". He seemed really nice so I sent him an email. He seemed nice and normal when we talked on the phone--which absolutely surprised me because it seems like every other guy on there is sex-crazed or socially awkward. Anyway, while reading your post [ed note: she's talking about this one.] I was wondering about this guy and my immentent date...it was the perfect post for my day! :)
It turned out that while he was a nice guy, he was way too nice! I think throughout the whole two hour dinner and date he probably said "You have a really beautiful smile", "You seem like such a nice girl, just the kind I was hoping to meet", and "I really enjoyed tonight" about ten times EACH!!! It freaked me out a little bit.
When he dropped me off I made sure he didn't kiss me because at this point Iwas very turned off. Then about an hour later (it's now about 11:30 at night) he called...I didn't answer. His voice mail reiterated his love of our time together. Yuck! Then sent me a text message telling me thanks for going out with him and that he had fun (this was about half an hour after the phone call). Then again today when I was at work he texted me to say hewas thinking about me and hoping I had a good day."
Ok, while this is obviously a very extreme case, even the best of us have been known to make similar mistakes on a smaller scale. If you've ever lost someone and didn't know why? I'd bet twenty bucks you were "too nice," or let them know too early that they had you.
So to reiterate...
...don't be that guy (or girl).
Please.
10 comments:
I don't think that's a case of being too nice. He was being too sycophantic and almost too aggressive. When I think of guys that are too nice, I think of my most recent ex:
--won't tell you how he feels for fear of not being the nice guy (i.e., not confronting things)
--won't stand up for you to other people (i.e., not confronting things)
--won't plan anything for fear of being wrong
--won't put you in your place when you somtimes need it i.e., not confronting things)
Nice guys are driven by fear. Yuck!!!!
I think your second sentence says it all - there's a difference between the "nice guy", and the "good guy". One of them nearly simpers in obeisance, the other comes with his own vertebrae.
I'll take door #2 any day.
I'm surprised he didn't invite her to join him on a cruise with his parents.
immentent
???
That guy sounded like yet another Craig's List nut. Are there any normal guys out there?
i don't think it's a case of being too nice either. i think it's a case of "trying too hard." guys should just be themselves around women. it's great when guys are genuinely nice people, but it's extremely unattractive when they consciously go overboard acting the way they think "a nice guy" is supposed to act. the problem isn't "too nice," it's "too fake."
Yeah...that's not a nioce guy...that's a deperate guy.
definitely trying too hard, BUT...
I think I'd almost rather have a guy who was too over-the-top than one who did exactly none of those things. Ideally, you'd want the middle, but if I had to pick an extreme...
also, gotta wonder what kind of signals that girl was giving. I mean, if she took the compliments and responded positively to them, maybe he thought she liked it?
dating is messy. fun, but messy.
Needy, clingy -- run run run!
Yikes. Classic case of "be careful what you wish for." This is why rules for dating never work-- there are always exceptions to them.
OK, so maybe it's my sleep-deprived brain (corporate tax returns = even more fun than personal tax returns) but I have to agree w/foxysavant. It's a two way street, remember?
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