Thursday, March 8, 2007

Grow a Pair

Ok, gentlmen, I've got a bone to pick with you. I'm getting pretty darn tired of hearing my female friends whine about how indecisive and gutless most of you seem to be. In general, women like guys who can take charge and be a little dominant. Guys who have a plan and are not easily intimidated. And for the love of god, guys who have the balls to make a friggin' move.

Think about that for a minute. Balls. Why has that term become synonymous with guts? Because guts, bravery, gumption, whatever word you want to use are masculine traits. Why does "manhandle" start with "man"? Same reason. We're supposed to take control, be aggressive, a little dominant, and possibly even a bit rough around the edges.

[Disclaimer: I'm not saying women aren't brave or capable of being dominant, take-charge leaders, just that most of them prefer not to take that role in romantic relationships. Don't think I'm being chauvinistic here. I'm a total feminist, but I believe we have natural tendencies toward certain roles in relationships, which are completely different and separate from professional life. Thanks.]

For example, a friend of mine has gone on three dates with a guy. [A little background: she's gorgeous, cool, funny, bright, well-traveled, great personality, has a great job, and probably (although I don't know personally) quite the firecracker in the bedroom. The kind of woman we all want to date. Quite a catch.] He made a great first impression, and she was pretty interested. That interest is slowly waning, though, because he just doesn't seem to have any balls. He doesn't call her between dates. In fact, he doesn't even call her to set up the next date. He emails. Email may be ok sometimes (and I've been known to use it to set up dates), but calling is almost always better. If you never call, but just email, that's just chicken. Email is the easy way out. Man up and call the girl.

So on top of this, they've been on three dates and there's been not even a hint of a move. Kissing? Nope. The slightest sign that he wants to kiss her and it will happen at some point? No, not even that. He's obviously interested because he keeps asking her out, so we rule out "uninterested" and that leaves us with "pussy." Poor guy.

What does my friend have to say about all this?

"I always go for take-charge types. He needs to grab me and kiss me like a porn star. Because if he doesn't want to make a move, why is he asking me out?"

Straight from the horse's mouth, gentlemen. Notice the choice of words. She didn't say "I just want him to kiss me ever so gently." She didn't say "he should ask permission and then kiss me." She said "he needs to grab me and kiss me like a porn star."

Yes, "like a porn star."

In other words, a little bit rough. A little manhandly. Like, horror of horrors, he actually wants to sleep with her. Like there's something about her that brings out his naughty side.

I hear this kind of thing all the time. It's a big part of why dating is such a pain in the ass for women these days -- most guys are afraid of being seen as someone who just wants a woman for sex or coming off as to insensitive. And while they're right, those are both bad things, some of y'all are taking it a little too far. It's ok to be men. Girls like men. In fact, they really like them. You don't want her to think you're just after sex? Great, don't date a girl if that's all you'd be interested in. If you treat her like you're not sexually interested, though, she's gonna think either a) you're not, or b) you're a pussy.

So be a man. Take control every now and then. Surprise her with random acts of dominant sexuality. Want to throw her up against a wall and kiss her passionately? Most of'em think that's really hot. Pin her arms to the bed for a minute while you're in the act? Great. Trust me, a woman will absolutely let you know if you push her limits too far, and as long as it's not something you've already been warned about, they're pretty forgiving, as long as you don't do it again.

On the other hand, maybe you prefer to keep being the sensitive, nice guy? Wonder what women think about that...

In Other News:

I'm going away for the weekend, and taking a half day at work tomorrow. What does this mean to you? Well, since I'm going to have to cram a whole day's work into half the time, no new post tomorrow. You'll see me again on Monday.

That doesn't mean you should stop with the questions. Need a guy's opinion? Send'em in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com.


Anonymous said...

ummm, just make sure this "manhandling" and "throwing a porn star" is consentual and reciprocated. If not you'll find out exactly what your balls feel your throat.

I disagree that being dominant is the man's job. I'm dominant all the time and not just at work. Careful for gender roles that's what keeps us stuck with rules that don't work.

And for the girl that waits for the guy to call or kiss her...why don't you call or kiss him. If you can't/won't then realize He's Just Not That In To You.

NotMiranda said...

Brilliant. I've been asked permission to be kissed several times and find it so disappointing.

NotCarrie said...

If anyone I work with reads this...then please, lets get pens!

Aileen said...

Good points all.

But, hmmmmm...why aren't you dating this gorgeous friend of yours?

DCVita said...

Perfectly said! Asking permission to be kissed is not preferred. A girl wants to feel like the guy can't help himself bc he is so attracted to her that he just goes in for the kill.

Carrie M said...

actually, i was asked permission to be kissed prior to a roll in the hay and it was VERY sexy. but that's an exception rather than a rule.

anyway...A-fucking-MEN. i take charge in everything else in my life, don't make me do it in this either. this is nearly a carbon copy of what i went through in oct/nov last year. seriously, cowboy up.

Anonymous said...

"A girl wants to feel like the guy can't help himself". hmmm, on a first date? maybe not. I want a man, not a 15 year old with a boner or a rapist.

asking to be kissed can be least he's not a cocky asshole acting like a caveman taking you as a reward.

Anonymous said...

Amen, brother! Your blog should be required reading for any and all men who don't already have a clue. I'm tired of the boys (they can't even be called men) in this town who can't/won't step up to the plate and make a move!

DCVita said...

Anon: I meant that if you have been dating for a while (3+ dates, and still no kiss). I am not expecting anything the first couple of dates, but if after the third date or something, a guy just goes in for a kiss, it is attractive. And not to mistake that for an overly aggressive "rapist" type either.

And yes, asking can be endearing..if done properly.

Carrie M said...

i'm DCVita in the clarification there - that what I meant too (thanks, hon!).

Red said...

Great post!
I agree and have experienced this recently. He pulled me closer and kissed me but not in the rapist way. Very Hot!
It's not an easy task but a man who can take charge without being a jerk is a total turn on.

Miss Scarlet said...

Guys- If we're talking and you're not sure if it's okay to go for it with me? Think back to if I touched you at all while talking. That's how you know I wouldn't kick you in the nuts. If I would be grossed/freaked out by a kiss, then my body language will let you know, ok?

So, to review: arm-touch = kiss. Good good...test on this soon.

Anonymous said...

Lol, your disclaimer made me laugh. Ever so sensitive. :)

Ewww, asking permission to kiss is not only wimpy but flat out creepy. It's happened to me a few times and I always say "no" because I'm just really creeped out at that point.

LMNt said...

Anon 1 -- Some guys actually are just shy or chicken. As much as I advocate knowing when He's Not That Into You, it's not the only possible option. This guy's into her.

NotMiranda -- Yeah, I cringe every time I hear about it. Yuck.

NotCarrie -- Hey, if I worked with you, maybe it could happen. ;-)

Aileen -- Who says I'm not? :-)

DCVita -- Exactly! "Like he just can't help himself." Love it.

And just when are you gonna send me that email, already? ;-)

Carrie M -- Some guys can pull it off, but it's almost always better not to ask.

Anon 2 -- This is why it's important to read signals and understand when the liking is mutual.

Anon 3 -- Thanks! Feel free to pass the link around.

DCVita -- There's a big difference between "self-assured" and "rapist," as I'm sure you well know.

Carrie M -- See above comment to DCVita.

Red -- Exactly. I always prefer "very hot" and "total turn on" to "wuss."

Miss Scarlet -- Ah, there's that "reading signals" thing again. Thanks!

Gen -- Yeah, I'm a sweetheart, aren't I?

mandy said...

Ok... a few things.

While I appreciate the fact that you "think" you know everything about your friends relationship with this guy - chances are you don't. That is unless you go on all her dates with her. The only two people that can truly know what's going on - are the two it's happening to.

That being said, I think you've oversimplified this a bit. Why can't she kiss him? Grow a pair herself? (meet the guy halfway) And if he's as interested as both of you think he is - he'll respond ten fold.

And if your friend "always" goes for take-charge types. Maybe she should rethink her interest in this dude?

Also, I realize that you make most of your points through generalities about both sexes. And while I think some of these are accurate points.. be careful about grouping all of us into lump categories. Using your own experience or a close friends for reference is one thing - but each person is unique. As is each relationship.

Making a relationship work is all about timing - possibly theirs is just a little off...

Anonymous said...

I'm the person LMNt wrote about. Of course it's oversimplified - it's a blog post generalizing about relationships. But regarding this particular one - I've been emailing with LMNt about it. So no, he doesn't know everything about me or this guy or these dates, but he does know some details, and also some of my insecurities around dating. Which is why I haven't just grabbed this guy and kissed him. And the truth is, it's not till I write about something - either on my blog or emailing with a friend - that I actually process it. It was just yesterday that I was like, hmm, yeah, I always go for the take-charge types and clearly he's not! Which is a refreshing change, in many ways. But it makes me question whether he likes me, whether he's attracted to me...I haven't been complaining that he needs to "grow a pair" - that's LMNt's guy take on it. I really was wondering why he kept asking me out if he's not dying to kiss me. I've certainly dated men who mostly just wanted to sleep with me - I've not gone out with people who seemingly only want to take me out for dinner! I didn't feel comfortable blogging about this - I'd hate for friends to read it and for the guy to get teased or feel bad - so it's been really interesting reading the post and all these comments! And thanks, LMNt, for the fantastic description of me! I don't know how accurate it is, but I kind of want to silkscreen it to a T-shirt and wear it around. :)

Crazy Politico said...

Found you on google when I looked at a google search that lead to my blog. Great blog you have here (unlike my political drivel).

As for the debate on whether you need to be a caveman or Yanni, the truth is it doesn't matter cause if you get married you get emasculated, and the wife has your sack on her nightstand.

NotCarrie said...

Customers can get pens, too:)

vvk said...

Where do you work... I need some 'pens.' :-P

SWF41 said...

Number one dating pet peeve:

Phone rings:

Me: hello
Guy: hey
small talk small talk small talk
Guy: So, would you like to go out one night?
Me: Sure, what did you have in mind?
Guy: I don't know, what would you like to do?

STOP DOING THAT!!! Have SOMETHING in mind if you're calling to ask me out.

(Sorry, I'll go back to my corner and be quiet now.)