Don't Try This At Home
I've got a pretty darn goofy sense of humor. I'm into bad puns, stupid jokes, and general cheesiness. If I'm in the room, and someone groans and says "har, har," chances are it was in response to some of my dorkier humor.
Because of this, I'm a huge fan of bad pickup lines. You know, the funny but dreadful (and innuendo-ful) ones you really really hope no one in their right mind would ever attempt to use to seriously pick someone up. And yes, I still laugh at "is that a ______ in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Every time.
And no, I've never actually used any to try to pick someone up. That's not how I roll. I just find them abso-friggin-lutely hilarious, and I collect them because of it.
So I'd like to share with you fun folks a few of my favorites. Ready? Here goes:
"I need some help with my math homework. Let's add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply."
[licks finger, touches girl's shirt] "Let's go get you out of those wet clothes."
[holds up two fingers] "Know why you should always masturbate with these two fingers? 'Cause they're mine."
"Is that a keg in your pocket? 'Cause I'd love to tap that ass."
"Know what winks and fucks like a tiger?" [wink]
"Do you work at the Post Office? No? 'Cause I could have sworn I just saw you checking out my package."
Yeah, I know. Terrible. I love'em. Anybody else got some good ones?
Oh, and completely unrelated, but I dig this guy -- adding to the links.
10 comments:
If some jackass in a bar licked his finger then touched me, even just outside the clothes, I'd deck him.
That said, I much prefer MY favorite, which goes like this:
[touches fabric of girl's sleeve, perhaps rubbing a bit of it between two fingers] "Is this felt?"
[she says no, it's cotton/linen/silk]
"Now it is."
or there's someone who says "that shirt is very becoming on you...if I were on you I'd be cumming too."
I'm sure you've all heard it, but that's what I think of every time I hear a bad pickup line.
Do you have any Irish/Italian/Greek/Etc. in you?
Would you like some?
I love that "felt" one Kathryn...classic.
Haha, I love cheesy pick up lines! It's kind of what I wrote about recently:)
I always enjoy the completely random, "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
i have to admit the first time i heard this i actually didnt get it right away....=)
This isn't a pick up joke, although he does use it to flirt...A friend of mine likes to add "I barely know her!" following a word that ends in "-er" or when he can make it sound like it does. Like, "Butter? I barely know her!" One of his dumbest ones is "Tomater? I barely know her!" He's been doing this for years, and somehow I always, always laugh.
Thanks for the link and the shout...greatly appreciated!
Wait! I have one more. It's the most effective pickup line, if you are aiming for a drink in the face or a fat lip:
"Do you like chicken? Well, why don't you put your mouth around this (motions to crotch)...it's fowl."
Girl to guy: "So what do you do for fun." Instead of saying something witty or charming, such as "You," my friend retorts, "Well I do a little mountain climbing." Girl replies, "Oh yeah?" Guy goes on, "Yeah, I"m really good at finding two-finger pockets." Guy gets drink thrown on him, moves on to next girl in line. True story.
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