Ask LMNt Friday Surprise, As Promised -- March 23, 2007

See that title up there? Yeah, it doesn't say "Ask LMNt Friday". It says "Ask LMNt Friday". Why, you ask? Because Ask LMNt Friday is going away, to be replaced with something bigger, better, and probably cooler.

You see, my friend Bigger Bitch Than You recently started her own blog (and guys, she's awesome -- gorgeous, smart, and a whole heluva lotta fun). And well, she feels my advice is just a little too hearts-and-flowers optimistic for the real world (wonder where she gets her name?). Similarly, I think most of what she has to say is a little on the mean and/or pessimistic side. The right answer is probably somewhere in the middle.

So we decided to get together. No, not like you're thinking (but we'll see -- call me, Bitch baby!). From now on, we're gonna have Good Cop, Bad Cop Fridays right here. Same questions + more viewpoints = better advice. So if you like Ask LMNt, you'll love this one. Tune in every week -- same bat-channel, same bat-time.

Now on to this week's question:

Love Over Bud writes:

"My BF is pretty straight, and by that I mean he's never done drugs doesn't drink that much, goes to church on Christmas and in general believes in the golden rule and "live a clean life". We've never discussed it but he's probably had sex with less than a handful of girls since college. None of that bothers me. In fact, I like how sweet and honest and proud of this he is.

I could be considered a "party girl realizing her age". I've had quite a few partners, smoked out many times and well get my drunk on quite often. He doesn't really mind the drinking, but recently I went to my college reunion and stayed with old girlfriends where we had a few hits off the old pipe. When he asked me if I was good I asked what he meant and he meant drugs and cheating. Well of COURSE I didn't CHEAT (I am so IN LOVE) but I got shy about the drugs part and then lied and said no. Then I told the truth.

Now I am a bastard for being a "druggie" and a liar. I can understand the lying being bad, but I knew he'd go into orbit over the smoking. I don't want to lose him, but I think the occassional "silliness" isn't so bad. What's a girl to do?"

Bigger Bitch says:

Well GF, I think you and the Love of Your Life need to have an honest chat.

What is it he doesn't like? Is it that it's illegal? Does he think you have a problem and DO YOU (honestly)? Is he jealous that you are a different person away from him? Is he one of those guys who wants a whore in the bed and a sunday school teacher in public?

Let's be honest, you are getting "older", as you say, and the party scene is diminishing (you poor thing). So maybe you want a "nice" guy to marry and make babies with. Maybe he's looking for a Mommy too. So if that's your priority then you are going to have to buckle down and give it up for the sake of the American Dream (gag). But if you want to toke up on occassion or go out and get trashed like an LNS take down, then you need to tell him to deal with it or get yourself a new man (or learn to be a better liar, which can be done).

But lying, yeah that's gonna get you no where with this guy now. You'll have to become and expert at the hiding and he's going to start stalking your every move, which isn't really a healthy relationship, even in MY EXPERIENCES. He also sounds like he doesn't trust you with the dudes...wonder why? HAVE YOU CHEATED? HAS HE? Takes one to know one, remember. So depending on your investment with him and how much you're willing to lie and go behind his back, you just have to decide what you want.

Trust me honey bunny, there's lots of cutie 23 year olds with huge stashes (if you know what I mean) that would be willing to take you on. But they ain't gonna give you a ring.


LMNt says:

Ok, three issues here: drugs, trust, and honesty. I'm gonna go ahead and discuss'em in that order.

Drugs:

Ok, to be honest with you, I never really enjoyed pot, so I'm not going to start in on whether or not you should be smoking it. I have no moral issues with it, I just didn't ever like it. The things that are a bigger deal anyway are 1) how important is it to you, and 2) how big a part of your life is it? If it's not important, I'd just drop it -- it's obvious this has been a recurring issue for the two of you or he wouldn't have asked about it in the first place. If it's something you're not willing to give up, you may need to lose the guy. That said, is it possible it's a bigger problem for you than you think it is? I mean, smoking a little every now and then is fine, but if it really is the recurring issue it seems to be, maybe you do it a bit more often? Are we talking every once in a while or a few times a week? If it really happens at things like the college reunion or when you see your girlfriends from far away, he should probably learn to deal with it. If he can't, he's probably not the right guy for you. On the other hand, if it's a regular occurrence, maybe you should tone it down a bit? The idea here is to come to some agreement that you both can live with.

Trust:

Why the hell is he asking you if you cheated or did something he didn't like while you were gone? I'm with the Bitch here -- have you cheated before? Has he? If my girlfriend asked me that, I'd be totally insulted, and I'd wonder where the hell she got that idea from. Where's the trust in this relationship? If he has no reason to be suspicious, this could be something that gets a lot worse over time. Little things like that are how controlling men start to work up to the wicked jealousy that causes real problems. Y'all need to talk about the trust thing. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but if I'm not, it'll come back to bite you if you don't nip it in the bud now.

Honesty:

Ok, the lying? Absolutely never acceptable. If you can't be honest with him, you need to figure out why. If it's you, fix it. If it's him, kick him to the curb. A good relationship is totally impossible without open and honest communication. Go sit in the corner.

So anyway, I think you should really take a look at all three things, talk to him about them, and examine the relationship for yourself. It may be a personality mismatch. On the other hand, you may be totally great for each other, but just have a little work to do. The only people who can figure out which are you two. Good luck.


And that about wraps up another week here at LMNtal Attraction. If you've got a dating or relationship question, send it in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com. Bitch and I will get to it as soon as we can, and she'll be here every Friday. And when I come back on Monday? I'll be another year older. See y'all next week!