Ask LMNt Friday -- March 2, 2007

Ok, guys -- it's that time again.

Frustrated with Dating writes:

You seem to know what you are talking about and having a guy's opinion seems like a good idea, so here is my 2 part question:

1. What are your feelings about girls calling guys? Mostly in the early stages of a relationship, before exclusivity has been established.

2. I went out with a guy about a week ago, it was the third date, and then after the date, we had a nice kiss goodnight and he had to go to his hockey game. It's been over a week and I just heard from him today. He sent an email saying, "what's up, been busy. What is new?" Huh. Thanks for the effort. I mean, ok, he likes me enough to check in with me, but not enough to pick up the phone and call me (and it has been 9 days). It feels like he just wants to keep me on the sidelines. Ughhh, so frustrating! What is with that???

LMNt says:

Ok, I feel your pain, and you've got a couple good questions.

1) It's totally cool for you to call guys. Everyone likes to know where they stand, and initiating contact with someone is a good way to let him know. I'm absolutely not an advocate of playing games like not answering the phone or not returning calls so he'll think you're busy or popular. That said, in the early stages, I'd say try to keep the amount of conversations you initiate vs the ones he does at a 1 to 2 or 3 ration. Let him call you more often. Always return his calls if he leaves you a message and you can't get to it, but when it comes to new conversations, let him take the initiative a little more than you do. It's a good way to gauge where you stand, too.

Once you know a guy is totally into you, all restrictions are lifted. When he's hooked, he wants nothing more than to hear from you. It could take a week or it could take a few months, depending on the guy and how well you connect, but when he's all about you, you'll know it, and you can call him as often as every day if you want to. If you ever become uncertain about his feelings, drop it back to that "one call for every two or three of his" situation until you're solid again.

2) This guy's just not that into you. I'd let it go. From the actions you describe, I think he's trying to set you up to be what my roommate calls an ATM (Alternative To Masturbation). He wants you to be around when he feels like it, but not be all up in his space when he doesn't. In short, he's looking for an occasional hookup and not a relationship from you.

Why do I say that? A few reasons. First of all, I'd never set up a third date with a girl I'm really into that has a hard end time. You never know what's going to happen, and you generally don't want a cut-off, in case things go really well. Secondly, he waited waaaay too long to contact you after the date, and as you mentioned, he didn't even pick up the phone. On top of that, he didn't even put any effort into the email he wrote you. Not good.

In other words, I think you're dead on with your "he wants me on the sidelines" take. He's keeping you around for the times when there's nobody "better" in his mind to hang out with. Whatever comes of it will not be worth the effort you have to put in. Ditch him and move on to the next one.

And so ends another exciting week here at LMNtal Attraction... Hope y'all have a great weekend, and I'll see you again right nere next week! Oh, and don't forget to send in your questions to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com.