Ask LMNt Friday -- March 16, 2007
Ok, guys and gals, it's that time again.
Grossed Out sent in this:"Here's the story. I met this GreatGirl, as you call it. I could really see myself falling for her. I took her out a few times, and things got hot and heavy. That went great. Afterwards, we were talking and I found out her "number" is a lot higher than I would want it to be. Now I feel strange talking to her and I'm uncomfortable with it. It's gross when I think about where she's been. She'd make a great girlfriend if I didn't feel dirty now. How would you handle it?"
LMNt says:
Dude, you asked. Grow up and deal with it.
Seriously. This is the 2000s. We're well beyond the "virginity 'til marriage" days, and it's unreasonable to expect an adult to be pure as a fresh snow when they get to you. If she's as great a woman as you seem to think, she makes good decisions and you should trust the ones she's made in the past. She's been with more people than you have... so? Are you intimidated? You said the sex was good, so you're reaping the benefits of her experience here. How is that a bad thing?
I really don't understand people's obsession with the number. If someone's dirty, they're dirty and you don't need to know how many people they've been with to understand that. If they're cool, they're cool. 'Nuff said.
I don't believe we should even be asking. I sure don't want to know. There's never a right answer to the question -- it's pretty much always too high or two low, and it really has no impact on who the person really is. As long as a girl's been safe about her experiences, I don't care if she's been with 2 or 200. Where she was before doesn't matter, because I am where she is now. The past is irrelevant. It has absolutely no impact on how she treats me.
So how do I think you should handle it? Examine yourself carefully -- figure out why you care about this so much. If it really is an issue for you, you've probably got some growing up to do, and I'd recommend dating younger women 'til then, if you date at all. They're most likely not going to have the life experience to be the perfect woman yet, but they probably won't have soiled themselves with a number you can't stand, either.
Really, I think you should get over it and not pass up a great thing for such a silly reason. If you can't do that, break it off with her, but for the love of all that is holy, don't tell her why. Make up a reason if you have to, or tell her you think you'd be better off as friends, but don't insult her. Then, learn something from this, and never ask that question again. EVER.
Oh, and if you do ditch her for this? Send her number my way. I won't mind the past a bit.
See y'all next week!
15 comments:
I'm sorry, but if you've been with 200 people I might want an explanation. Being disease-free is far more important than the number, but still. TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE?!?
I don't know where exactly I'd draw the line of "appropriateness of number," and I think it depends, but really--if someone's been with eleventy billion people and that seems out of tune with the rest of their character you might wanna double check that they really are who you think they are. maybe they're incredibly horny or maybe they had some crazy college years or maybe they use sex as a bandaid--who knows?--but it seems like you have some more learning to do.
and lmnt, the past has a HUGE impact on how someone treats you. and I'm willing to bet your past has an impact on how you treat someone, too. call it a hunch.
I completely agree that asking the question is unnecessary, though. I mean, even if you suspect someone is a virgin, you don't have to ask--they'll probably volunteer that info, or you'll know. But otherwise, that number usually hurts to hear--'cause it's never ever where you want it to be.
and just 'cause I have this opinion doesn't mean I'm not mature, thankyouverymuch. prolly does mean I'm a buckle-o-the-bible-belt girl though...
Ah, yes. The numbers question.
I kind of have to think that if someone is of questionable character, or if your values aren't mutual, there are so many other, more important ways to find this out than through a number.
Frankly, I think anyone who feels "dirty" after hearing their partner's number should break up with them. It's a sign that you find her past, which informs who she is, repugnant. Finding a part of someone repugnant doesn't bode well for the relationship. I'd certainly want to be broken up with, if someone felt that way about me.
I'd rather be with someone who had experience and had learned from it, than someone naive, who might be more likely to make hurtful decisions, or comments, or what have you, because he simply didn't know better.
Amen, brother, you said it quite well. I say he should break up with her because he's a big baby. And a judgmental one at that.
And, becuase I know you love it so, here's a link to a story about an experience I had telling someone my "number."
Last, I told my recent ex-bf my number because he asked and it was fine. He was curious and it was harmless. Generally, though, I'd prefer not to tell--other things are more important.
I'm sure there are plenty of gals (and guys) out there who went a little crazy in college and had more than a few sexual partners, who are no longer the sexual butterflies they once were. Doesn't make 'em whores; it makes them young and stupid. Deal with it.
That said, I will NEVER tell. Ever. Nor will I ever ask. No one really wants to know.
If a guys asks about my number, it's a deal breaker. If he cares enough to ask, he isn't going to like the answer, and I refuse to justify my history to anyone. I'm proud of my experiences.
Great answer, LMNt.
Great post LMNt...Though I also agree with some of your commenters that the number does say something about the person.
It's funny, I was just thinking about this subject recently.
I'm curious about something- what do you think is an appropriate number? One per year? Three? Six?
I agree 110% with freckledk. It's private. And there is no right answer ever. People should stick with, if you don't really want to know the answer don't ask the question. EVER.
I think numbers don't matter as well.
Unless it's above like 35. That's just gross. I think I draw my line there.
You should read Michelle's blog about sex partners (Thursday's). Makes me feel so pure and I like that. ^_^
See I also disagree. I'm quite liberal but sex is important to me. Like the first person said, it tells a lot about a person when they've had a HUGE number.
I've been with both, virgins and high numberers, and I've gotten over both. For guys though, this is always an issue. I'm not down with the not sharing the information either, maybe later on in the relationship though. At the beginning people are too judgemental.
As far as this guy goes, like someone else said, if he feels dirty he's already made his mind up and for her sake he should break up with her. Or get over it.
I wouldn't ask and I certainly won't answer the question.
The guy that wrote, though? He should go ahead and break up with the girl he's writing about. He'll never get past it.
Guys like this one obviously want to reap the benefits of a woman with knowledge and experience, but want to think she got that knowledge from a book or the tv or something.
If he wasnt prepared for the answer (good or bad) he shouldnt have asked the question.
I'm proud of my number. I'll respond if asked and if someone wants to think different of me b/c of it - thats on them. Not me.
question looks fake
Numbers are a bit important to me. I don't look too favorably on someone that jumps from bed to bed, but I understand it's also nice to have a little experience and variety. As Gen said above, I did make a sex partner chart on Thurs. I probably wouldn't date anyone that was in the orange or red zone. For the most part, I like the don't ask don't tell policy. There's really no reason to disclose your numbers with anyone unless the relationship is super serious.
The number question is my one question that is totally off limits partly because there is no right answer. And partly because it's no one's business.
And, it's not as if there is a "perfect number," so really it would be either too low or too high, depending on who was asking and their personal perspective.
I see asking about the number the same way I view snooping through someone's stuff. When you snoop, you're going to find out something you don't want to know. It's just the karma of snooping. Same theory holds true with asking. If you feel you have to ask, you probably won't like the answer.
This is the 2000s. We're well beyond the "virginity 'til marriage" days...
Well I must be stuck in the Stone Age because my legs will stay shut until I find the right one!
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