Good Cop, Bad Cop Fridays -- March 30, 2007

Smitten but Shy writes:

"I've got a crush on a guy friend. Nothing's ever happened between us but there's a lot of sexual tension and I want it to. How do I tell him and get something started?"

Bigger Bitch Than You says:

Well you didn't give us a lot to go on honey but let me see if I can out do LMNT again.

1) how long have you known this chap? I mean are you BFF since grade school or did you meet at the pub last month?
2) what other girls has he dated and does he talk to you about them? Are you his type? Is he GAY (trust me I've made that mistake A LOT).
3) any flirting going on at all? Any touching? double entendres? innuendos? Freudian slips? You say sexual tension but are you sure it's on both sides?
4) do you want a fuck or a ring (or something in between....I ryhmed)?

Because if he's really your friend and you want need him as a friend more than a fuck, then you could have a potential chernobyl here. I hate to say this but go watch When Harry Met Sally again (choke). There IS some truth to that drivel but in real life you don't get the boy saving you at NYE you get tears and heartbreak and feeling really really dumb on top of losing your BFF.

Listen, if you just need a good fuck go to the nearest fratboy bar and get drunk and turn up the charm. If you really want something with him then drop some hints, if he's not a complete moron, he'll get it. Alcohol is usually highly recommended in these situations...pot if you've got it.

And also do NOT go torturing yourself (and all your freaking friends) about this for months or years. Either do something about it or forget it and shut the hell up!


LMNt's thoughts:

Ok, this is easy. If you're even remotely attractive and he's a friend of yours, he'd at the very least be willing to hook up with you. Chances are he's got a secret crush on you, too. If you're willing to risk the friendship, get him drunk and kiss him (the alcohol with help you in the guts department, too). That should do it.

And if you get a minute, watch Chris Rock's take on platonic friends. It'll shed some light on the subject. Here's the short version:

"Men don't have platonic friends. We just have women we haven't f*cked yet."


Have a great weekend, and keep those questions coming in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com. Or you can click on the link in the sidebar. See y'all next week!

*Special thanks to Roosh and Kathryn for their guru-ness.

How To Pick Up A Blogger

Ok, so you like to read blogs. Know how I knew that? You're here. I'm a smart cookie.

Anyway, I'm sure you've got a handful (or possibly more) you read regularly. It's a fairly intimate view into another person's life, and if you're anything like most of us, at some point you've developed a blog-crush or two. Maybe more. Want to turn those fantasies into reality? It's really not that hard. With a few easy steps, that blogger of your dreams can be all yours. Here's how.

Email Prolifically -- Write really long emails to him/her, specifically describing why exactly you think you're meant for each other. Do it every hour, on the hour. If they don't respond, it's cool -- they just didn't get the first 6 or so. Write more. You're probably not explaining how much you want to be with them enough, so try harder. And it's especially important to send one immediately after they post (so they know you're paying attention) dissecting the post in detail and using it to bolster your claims of being fated lovers.

Express Your Undying Love -- It's very, very important to make sure they know you can't live without them, so make sure to use the "L" word as often as possible. It doesn't matter that you've never met him/her... you've read their innermost thoughts, right? That means you know them already, so make sure they know that. As often as possible.

Use What Information You Have -- Ok, so most bloggers try to stay relatively anonymous. We don't give you our real names or addresses or other identifying info. It's not that we don't want you to know us, of course, we just want to see how resourceful you are. Be creative with the information you do have. For example, if you know what neighborhood he/she lives in and what his/her dogs look like, you can easily find out where your blogger lives. Stake out the neighborhood and inconspicuously follow them home when they walk the dogs. Write down the address and immediately start mailing romantic tokens, addressed to the blogger's pen-name. If you really want to snare your blogger, you're gonna have to get creative. Think bloody pig's hearts, barbed wire, trinkets made from/stuffed with body parts, and poetry about "if I can't have you, no one will." We love it when you're creative and unique. We're creative and unique, too -- that's why we blog.

Only Use the Third Person -- Eliminate "I," "you," "we," and all such similar words from your vocabulary when corresponding with your blogger. You should most often refer to them by the pet name you've established early on in your communication. Think sappy. I've heard "Schmoopsie" works especially well. When you're not using the nickname, call them by what you know them as (LMNt, Kassy, Ar-Jew-Tino, Velvet, etc.), and your last option should be he or she. Good: "[Your Name Here] wants to marry [Schmoopsie/Blogname/him/her] and keep [him/her/them] locked up in a trunk 4EVAR!!!" Bad: "I think you're cool, let's have a beer."

Stalk -- Now that you know where they live, it's probably in your best interests to take a few days off work and just follow them around for a while. Make sure you run into them right at the beginning of your stalking period and introduce yourself -- you want to make sure they know you're the one who's been doing all these romantic things. After that, you should resist initiating conversation at all costs. Just make sure you stare really hard. That way they'll notice you when you're around. They should see you at their work, home, and while out on the town or running errands. The more familiar they get with you, the better.

Start a Love Blog -- Blogs are pretty easy to make. Most of the major sites already do most of the work for you, so all you have to do is the writing. Make sure to get a name like "pookieluvs[bloggername].blogspot/wordpress/whatever.com" You should dedicate it to your poetry, long-winded explanations of why they're your soulmate, and of course, publish any private and/or personal details you know about them. Link to their blog, so they'll see it in their stats, and update regularly. This is a good place to repost the emails they haven't responded to. That way you can be sure they've seen them.

Use Threats -- If all else fails, threaten your blogger with bodily harm or death. Don't forget to throw in suicide, too. You have to be strong to motivate them.

In other words, be as creepy as possible. We never have enough ideas to write about, and a creepy stalker type is the perfect solution. You give your blogger an endless supply of posts, and they'll be so greatful they'll give you just about anything you want. Everybody likes to be scared sometimes -- that's why we have roller coasters and horror movies. Of course, creepy can be hard to do well, and if it's not your thing? Well, maybe you should just give up.

There is one other option, though. If you really want to get to know the person behind the words, you could always just come to a Blogger Happy Hour. Non-bloggers are totally welcome, and if you're a blogger too, even better. You're pretty much guaranteed to meet your crush, and if they're as cool as you think they are, and you're pretty fun yourself, you may make friends. Hell, you might even make that love connection you've been dreaming about. You never know.

Materialistic, Much?

Yesterday I was hanging out, drinking wine with a friend of mine. She's a pretty good friend, and all kinds of fun to hang out with unless we're talking about her romantic situation, cause there's all kinds of drama there. She's got some pretty messed up priorities in that department, but she's working on it. Other than that? Really cool chick.

Anyway, she tells me her ex-fiancee just bought a new car, which kind of bothers her because he just sold her engagement ring because he "needed the money" (yes he's an ex, no they're not dating, and there's absolutely no good reason for him to keep it. She's just clinging desperately to the hopeless idea that they'll get back together someday even though they both cheated on each other for several years. Like I said, messed up priorities). And she says, "I don't understand how he could buy a car when he needed money badly enough to sell the ring. I mean, the car was 27 thousand and the ring was only 24."

"Waitaminute... I don't think I heard you properly. Did you say the engagement ring he bought you was twenty four THOUSAND dollars?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Why the eff would someone spend that much on an engagement ring? I mean, I know it's supposed to be a significant purchase to last your whole life and all, but seriously? That's ridiculous. 24 THOUSAND dollars? You're kidding, right?"

"Well, it was what I wanted. I designed it myself."

"Why not spend 4 to 8 grand on a nice, but reasonable ring and put the rest of the money down on a house, or go on vacation together or something? Put it in the retirement fund. Who wants to wear something like that? Isn't it so big it's gaudy?"

"I wanted to wear it. It was a really rare canary diamond. [goes into the story on why they're so rare] We both already have houses, and we'd just gone on a vacation. I wanted it. I told him I'd be fine with a plain gold band, or totally happy with something small that's an heirloom, but it was either that or this one. I don't want to do anything halfway. And it had to be nicer than the one [the previous ex-fiancee] gave me or I'd think of it every time I looked at my hand and be sad. If I'm not going to have a basic plain gold band, it needs to be really nice."

"So you wouldn't consider like a carat or so? Maybe one of those three-stone deals where the middle one's one carat?"

"No way. I like nice things."

Ok, now granted, I already knew she was a bit on the materialistic side. She won't even consider a date with a guy who's not at least 6 inches taller than her, and she seems to always either know or have a damn good guess as to how much money a guy makes before they even get to the first date. The last one had two houses (one at Rehoboth Beach) and three cars. And other than anything related to guys, she really is an awesome chick. Pretty, accomplished, fun, talented, a great friend who's always there when you need her, totally sweet, yada yada yada. And I knew her dating priorities were a little off -- lord knows I would never even entertain the notion of dating her. I never thought she was a gold-digger, though, just a little off dating-wise.

But a $24,000 engagement ring is a must? Right now I'm a little embarrassed to know her.

A Little Slutty?

If you know me (or have paid attention here), you know how I feel about the word "slut". It's one of my very least favorite things.

That said, this article on the evolution of the word was pretty darn interesting. Check it out.

What a Glorious Feeling...

Ever noticed that when it comes to dating, the old "when it rains, it pours" adage is particularly true?

I mean, seriously, you have a few good dates and all of a sudden interested parties seem come rushing out of the woodwork, even if there was no shortage of interested paries before. It's always funny to me how it happens right when you start to think about possibly not dating beyond the one (or ones) you've had a few good dates with. Murphy's law, I guess.

Girls in particular get a lot more blunt and/or aggressive when this is going on. Instead of smiling coyly across the room, they'll walk right up to you with "you're cute. What's your name?" Exes or past hookups will start calling out of the blue, wondering what you're up to and if you want to hang out sometime. Even the ones that trailed off... you know, where you were interested, but you just assumed they weren't because they got scarce and didn't pay you much attention.

Some of it's got to be the different sort of confidence you display when you're happy with your romantic life or high on a new person, but that really can't explain it all. What about the ones you've haven't heard from or spoken to in ages, who couldn't possibly have any clue what's going on in your life?

It can be a bit overwhelming. All in all, it's definitely a good thing. First of all, we all love the attention (hello? We wouldn't blog if we weren't just a little bit attention-whorish). Secondly, it forces you to step back and really consider things. It's good motivation to examine your current situation and what you want out of it. What you're ready for and what you're not. Get your head on straight and all.

That said, it's still overwhelming and exhausting. Deep thoughts are hard work sometimes, and sometimes you don't feel like mulling anything over. Every once in a while, you just need a little peace. I'm glad I don't have anything romantic-life related to deal with tonight.

Also...

Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I had a great one, complete with laughter, the great outdoors, Ikea, too much wine, friends, and family. I hope everyone gets great ones like that.

Ask LMNt Friday Surprise, As Promised -- March 23, 2007

See that title up there? Yeah, it doesn't say "Ask LMNt Friday". It says "Ask LMNt Friday". Why, you ask? Because Ask LMNt Friday is going away, to be replaced with something bigger, better, and probably cooler.

You see, my friend Bigger Bitch Than You recently started her own blog (and guys, she's awesome -- gorgeous, smart, and a whole heluva lotta fun). And well, she feels my advice is just a little too hearts-and-flowers optimistic for the real world (wonder where she gets her name?). Similarly, I think most of what she has to say is a little on the mean and/or pessimistic side. The right answer is probably somewhere in the middle.

So we decided to get together. No, not like you're thinking (but we'll see -- call me, Bitch baby!). From now on, we're gonna have Good Cop, Bad Cop Fridays right here. Same questions + more viewpoints = better advice. So if you like Ask LMNt, you'll love this one. Tune in every week -- same bat-channel, same bat-time.

Now on to this week's question:

Love Over Bud writes:

"My BF is pretty straight, and by that I mean he's never done drugs doesn't drink that much, goes to church on Christmas and in general believes in the golden rule and "live a clean life". We've never discussed it but he's probably had sex with less than a handful of girls since college. None of that bothers me. In fact, I like how sweet and honest and proud of this he is.

I could be considered a "party girl realizing her age". I've had quite a few partners, smoked out many times and well get my drunk on quite often. He doesn't really mind the drinking, but recently I went to my college reunion and stayed with old girlfriends where we had a few hits off the old pipe. When he asked me if I was good I asked what he meant and he meant drugs and cheating. Well of COURSE I didn't CHEAT (I am so IN LOVE) but I got shy about the drugs part and then lied and said no. Then I told the truth.

Now I am a bastard for being a "druggie" and a liar. I can understand the lying being bad, but I knew he'd go into orbit over the smoking. I don't want to lose him, but I think the occassional "silliness" isn't so bad. What's a girl to do?"

Bigger Bitch says:

Well GF, I think you and the Love of Your Life need to have an honest chat.

What is it he doesn't like? Is it that it's illegal? Does he think you have a problem and DO YOU (honestly)? Is he jealous that you are a different person away from him? Is he one of those guys who wants a whore in the bed and a sunday school teacher in public?

Let's be honest, you are getting "older", as you say, and the party scene is diminishing (you poor thing). So maybe you want a "nice" guy to marry and make babies with. Maybe he's looking for a Mommy too. So if that's your priority then you are going to have to buckle down and give it up for the sake of the American Dream (gag). But if you want to toke up on occassion or go out and get trashed like an LNS take down, then you need to tell him to deal with it or get yourself a new man (or learn to be a better liar, which can be done).

But lying, yeah that's gonna get you no where with this guy now. You'll have to become and expert at the hiding and he's going to start stalking your every move, which isn't really a healthy relationship, even in MY EXPERIENCES. He also sounds like he doesn't trust you with the dudes...wonder why? HAVE YOU CHEATED? HAS HE? Takes one to know one, remember. So depending on your investment with him and how much you're willing to lie and go behind his back, you just have to decide what you want.

Trust me honey bunny, there's lots of cutie 23 year olds with huge stashes (if you know what I mean) that would be willing to take you on. But they ain't gonna give you a ring.


LMNt says:

Ok, three issues here: drugs, trust, and honesty. I'm gonna go ahead and discuss'em in that order.

Drugs:

Ok, to be honest with you, I never really enjoyed pot, so I'm not going to start in on whether or not you should be smoking it. I have no moral issues with it, I just didn't ever like it. The things that are a bigger deal anyway are 1) how important is it to you, and 2) how big a part of your life is it? If it's not important, I'd just drop it -- it's obvious this has been a recurring issue for the two of you or he wouldn't have asked about it in the first place. If it's something you're not willing to give up, you may need to lose the guy. That said, is it possible it's a bigger problem for you than you think it is? I mean, smoking a little every now and then is fine, but if it really is the recurring issue it seems to be, maybe you do it a bit more often? Are we talking every once in a while or a few times a week? If it really happens at things like the college reunion or when you see your girlfriends from far away, he should probably learn to deal with it. If he can't, he's probably not the right guy for you. On the other hand, if it's a regular occurrence, maybe you should tone it down a bit? The idea here is to come to some agreement that you both can live with.

Trust:

Why the hell is he asking you if you cheated or did something he didn't like while you were gone? I'm with the Bitch here -- have you cheated before? Has he? If my girlfriend asked me that, I'd be totally insulted, and I'd wonder where the hell she got that idea from. Where's the trust in this relationship? If he has no reason to be suspicious, this could be something that gets a lot worse over time. Little things like that are how controlling men start to work up to the wicked jealousy that causes real problems. Y'all need to talk about the trust thing. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but if I'm not, it'll come back to bite you if you don't nip it in the bud now.

Honesty:

Ok, the lying? Absolutely never acceptable. If you can't be honest with him, you need to figure out why. If it's you, fix it. If it's him, kick him to the curb. A good relationship is totally impossible without open and honest communication. Go sit in the corner.

So anyway, I think you should really take a look at all three things, talk to him about them, and examine the relationship for yourself. It may be a personality mismatch. On the other hand, you may be totally great for each other, but just have a little work to do. The only people who can figure out which are you two. Good luck.


And that about wraps up another week here at LMNtal Attraction. If you've got a dating or relationship question, send it in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com. Bitch and I will get to it as soon as we can, and she'll be here every Friday. And when I come back on Monday? I'll be another year older. See y'all next week!

Good Grief!!!

Ok, you guys seem to have finished the online dating faux pas post for me, so we're moving on today.

I'm noticing a disturbing trend lately in reading the work of our eligible, hot, and feminine dc bloggers. Go ahead, check out the links -- I'll still be here when you get back.

...

Ok, with me so far? Good.

What the eff is up with that? Since when did text messaging become a proper medium to take big steps in? I mean, it's great for a little flirting, a quick "I'm running late," or even a light conversation with a friend, but asking someone out, making the first contact after getting a number, and breaking up with someone are a little too significant for such a light medium. You've got a phone in your hand, right? Why not punch in those 10 digits and then hit the little green button with the phone on it? Actually connect with another human being in real time in a way you might possibly pick up things like *GASP!* inflection and mood. I know, I know... that's crazy talk, right?

Now, I know what you're thinking. "But I like texting. I mean, if I were talking, I wouldn't be able to edit my thoughts for clarity, spelling [ed. note: Now I know I'm talking crazy. Proper spelling in a text message? Silly LMNt!], and just the right oh-so-casual tone!" Well, that's the idea. Remember back in the day when we talked to each other? The lost art of conversation? Saying things as you think of them instead of before you'd checked them over 3 times? Those were good things. It'd be a shame to see them go extinct.

And if you really think about it, maybe these significant conversations would actually go more smoothly if you had a way to know what the receiver's mood is, and how they're actually feeling about what you have to say. Maybe that "no thanks" answer to drinks on Friday would be a "definitely!" if you had a little balls, or possibly if you realized their dog died that morning, they got fired that afternoon, and it might be better to ask another day. Strangely enough, when you actually listen to people, you can pick these things up. Not just from the words they say, but from the way that they say them.

We're human. Humans are emotional creatures, and when you interact in a text only medium, the only emotions that come through are the ones that are purposely inserted into the conversation. On the other hand, when you involve more of your senses, you can usually tell what people are really feeling. It's hard to hide it. They'll understand better where you're at, too. And believe it or not, that's a good thing. Little secret: People like to know that you like them. They just don't like to feel pressured or trapped. Maybe you don't sound as suave when every word isn't premeditated, but maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.

Oh, and P.S.? It's weak. You come off as a totally coward when you text these things.



Breaking News

I've got a big surprise for y'all coming in tomorrow's Ask LMNt Friday. Hopefully it'll make it a little more fun and interesting. Stay tuned, and send in your questions (lmntalattraction [at] gmail [dot] com) -- the "to be answered/blogged about" pile's starting to get a little low.

Help Your Karma

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blogging for a couple of special announcements. If you can find it in your heart, I know a couple places you can earn some karma points:

Sweet's got some friends who need help. Read about it here.

Also, I Now Pronounce You is not exactly having the best time right now. Go say something nice.

I'll be back tomorrow.

No, Thanks... Part 1

So if you've been reading, it's no big secret that I like the personals. They're fun. Not only are they darn good entertainment, but I've met a lot of interesting people that way (some of my closest friends, actually). In fact, my most significant relationship to date started that way. We didn't hit it off romantically at first, but after a few years as friends, we started dating. While it didn't work out in the long run, it was a great experience at the time, I learned a lot from it, and it never would have happened if I'd never dabbled in online dating.

I've recieved a lot of questions from you female types about what I look for in an ad, and to be honest, there's not anything specific. It's more about how we match up and how the writer seems to fit with who I am. That said, there are a lot of things that will instantly kill any chance that I'll write you, and that's what I'd like to touch on today. If you're looking online for a quality guy, here's a few things you should avoid at all costs when you're writing your description of yourself and/or what you're looking for (with real examples from the wonderland of bad personals, otherwise known as Craigslist):

Negative Tone -- "so like, don't say looks aren't important, if, to you, they really are. or don't send a 5 year old pic of yourself and say that is the only pic you have. From 19-23 = no pics. your lying. don't say you want a FWB when you really want a LTR sex does not = a relationhip. Stop with the "What's up with the women around here" posts the women in this area act just like the men. so if your greedy, then the women you meet will be greedy. etc, etc"

First of all, you don't sound like fun. And really? That's what I'm looking for initially -- someone I can have a good time hanging out with. That's what's going to make me want to get to know you better. Secondly, ever dated a negative, pessimistic person before? Yeah, it kinda sucks. No thanks.

Bad Spelling/Grammar/Etc. -- See above.

I'm pretty darn smart, if I do say so myself. If your ad reeks of ignorance, we're probably not going to get along. Obviously, everyone makes a mistake here and there, so the occasional typo's really not going to turn me off. If you can't form a coherent sentence, though? Into the reject pile you go.

Getting Ahead of Yourself -- "I'm seeking a man who is looking for marriage and would like to have children."

Ok, I'd like to get married, too... someday. And only if I meet the right girl for it and we have a pretty successful long term relationship first. If you're sizing me up for marriage before I even send you an email, 1) I'm gonna feel a bit pressured, 2) I assume you're going to rush the hell outta me on a decision that's absolutely not to be taken lightly, and 3) if by some strange twist of fate, we end up dating long enough that marriage is a possibility, how will I know you want it because of who I am and how we fit together? 'Cause it seems a lot more likely that you wanted a warm body to fill that empty position at the head of the aisle. It's fine to say you want to get married eventually or that you'd like to have kids someday, but please don't focus on it. One sentence will do it. And don't say you're looking for a husband, say "I'd like to get married eventually."

Insulting My Whole Sex -- "DC full of uptight, obnoxious, narrow minded guys!"

Obviously, if you're posting a personal ad, you haven't found what you're looking for. That said, if you see every guy as "uptight, obnoxious, and narrow minded," maybe that says something about you. How would you feel if I said "all women are fat, stupid whores, but I'm looking for an exception"? Would that give you the warm fuzzies about me?

No Info About You -- "It would be nice to meet attractive guys who know how to spoil and take care of their woman. I am guessing those who won't will skip over my post? :( If you are the kind of guy that would recieve high regard and recommendation from all of your ex's or all the girls you have been with then you are the kind of guy id like to get to know. Looks are secondary to your personality so don't be bashful. Please, refrain from sending photos that are less then what you'd mind your family seeing and indicate something interesting about yourself including the type of person you seek and the kind of relationship (if you are even seeking a relationship) you'd like to obtain. All responses that are normal and reasonable will be responded to as promptly as possible, however; only if I feel there may be some sort of possibility of meeting."

Yeah, seriously. That's the whole ad. The only thing you've managed to get across about you is that you're selfish (the whole "spoil" thing). If you want somebody to buy something, you've got to give them a reason (probably several reasons) to want it. There are lots of women around here, what makes you stand out from the rest of them?


That's plenty for today, but there are a lot more things I've seen recently that I'd like to cover, so keep your eyes peeled tomorrow for part 2.

Ask LMNt Friday -- March 16, 2007

Ok, guys and gals, it's that time again.

Grossed Out sent in this:

"Here's the story. I met this GreatGirl, as you call it. I could really see myself falling for her. I took her out a few times, and things got hot and heavy. That went great. Afterwards, we were talking and I found out her "number" is a lot higher than I would want it to be. Now I feel strange talking to her and I'm uncomfortable with it. It's gross when I think about where she's been. She'd make a great girlfriend if I didn't feel dirty now. How would you handle it?"

LMNt says:

Dude, you asked. Grow up and deal with it.

Seriously. This is the 2000s. We're well beyond the "virginity 'til marriage" days, and it's unreasonable to expect an adult to be pure as a fresh snow when they get to you. If she's as great a woman as you seem to think, she makes good decisions and you should trust the ones she's made in the past. She's been with more people than you have... so? Are you intimidated? You said the sex was good, so you're reaping the benefits of her experience here. How is that a bad thing?

I really don't understand people's obsession with the number. If someone's dirty, they're dirty and you don't need to know how many people they've been with to understand that. If they're cool, they're cool. 'Nuff said.

I don't believe we should even be asking. I sure don't want to know. There's never a right answer to the question -- it's pretty much always too high or two low, and it really has no impact on who the person really is. As long as a girl's been safe about her experiences, I don't care if she's been with 2 or 200. Where she was before doesn't matter, because I am where she is now. The past is irrelevant. It has absolutely no impact on how she treats me.

So how do I think you should handle it? Examine yourself carefully -- figure out why you care about this so much. If it really is an issue for you, you've probably got some growing up to do, and I'd recommend dating younger women 'til then, if you date at all. They're most likely not going to have the life experience to be the perfect woman yet, but they probably won't have soiled themselves with a number you can't stand, either.

Really, I think you should get over it and not pass up a great thing for such a silly reason. If you can't do that, break it off with her, but for the love of all that is holy, don't tell her why. Make up a reason if you have to, or tell her you think you'd be better off as friends, but don't insult her. Then, learn something from this, and never ask that question again. EVER.

Oh, and if you do ditch her for this? Send her number my way. I won't mind the past a bit.

See y'all next week!

How to Scare a Man Away From Marriage

Tell him there's actually a book called I'd Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido. And that it's popular.

I know it scares the hell outta me. Eesh.

Don't Try This At Home

I've got a pretty darn goofy sense of humor. I'm into bad puns, stupid jokes, and general cheesiness. If I'm in the room, and someone groans and says "har, har," chances are it was in response to some of my dorkier humor.

Because of this, I'm a huge fan of bad pickup lines. You know, the funny but dreadful (and innuendo-ful) ones you really really hope no one in their right mind would ever attempt to use to seriously pick someone up. And yes, I still laugh at "is that a ______ in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Every time.

And no, I've never actually used any to try to pick someone up. That's not how I roll. I just find them abso-friggin-lutely hilarious, and I collect them because of it.

So I'd like to share with you fun folks a few of my favorites. Ready? Here goes:

"I need some help with my math homework. Let's add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply."

[licks finger, touches girl's shirt] "Let's go get you out of those wet clothes."

[holds up two fingers] "Know why you should always masturbate with these two fingers? 'Cause they're mine."

"Is that a keg in your pocket? 'Cause I'd love to tap that ass."

"Know what winks and fucks like a tiger?" [wink]

"Do you work at the Post Office? No? 'Cause I could have sworn I just saw you checking out my package."

Yeah, I know. Terrible. I love'em. Anybody else got some good ones?

Oh, and completely unrelated, but I dig this guy -- adding to the links.

Appreciation

In my opinion, the female body is a work of art, and one of the highest forms of it in existence. Possibly the highest. The way the curves are put together can, at times, be the absolute pinnacle of aesthetic perfection.

So I'm an everything man. In other words, I'm not specifically a breast man, a butt man, a neck man, a leg man, or any other specific part lover. I love all of those, in addition to hair, hands, ankles, the inside of the elbow, and any other square inch of skin I come across. They each hold their own special significance and beauty for me.

If I really had to choose, though, and I mean had to, I think after a face (since that's the part I have to look at the most), the sexiest part of a woman, in my opinion, would be the curve from her hips to her waist. Apparently, I'm not alone in that. And to be honest, I'm not the slightest bit surprised.

There's just so many wonderful things about that spot. It's great to run your hands over, an amazing sight, and recieves kisses pretty damn well, too. In fact, if I had to pick one visual image that represents femininity to me, it'd be a photo of that hip-waist curve. It's just something you can't find anywhere else. Soft, smooth, and uniquely womanly. It's a little piece of heaven.

Just had to throw my ode to the hip-waist curve out there for ya.



In other news:

Apparently I'm up for BEST DC Blog by the Sexiest DC Hetero Male. Not sure how I feel about the contest or BestDCBlogs in general, but I'm glad y'all love me. If it matters to you, feel free to vote. "Sexiest" can be quite the male ego stroke. :-)

Grow a Pair

Ok, gentlmen, I've got a bone to pick with you. I'm getting pretty darn tired of hearing my female friends whine about how indecisive and gutless most of you seem to be. In general, women like guys who can take charge and be a little dominant. Guys who have a plan and are not easily intimidated. And for the love of god, guys who have the balls to make a friggin' move.

Think about that for a minute. Balls. Why has that term become synonymous with guts? Because guts, bravery, gumption, whatever word you want to use are masculine traits. Why does "manhandle" start with "man"? Same reason. We're supposed to take control, be aggressive, a little dominant, and possibly even a bit rough around the edges.

[Disclaimer: I'm not saying women aren't brave or capable of being dominant, take-charge leaders, just that most of them prefer not to take that role in romantic relationships. Don't think I'm being chauvinistic here. I'm a total feminist, but I believe we have natural tendencies toward certain roles in relationships, which are completely different and separate from professional life. Thanks.]

For example, a friend of mine has gone on three dates with a guy. [A little background: she's gorgeous, cool, funny, bright, well-traveled, great personality, has a great job, and probably (although I don't know personally) quite the firecracker in the bedroom. The kind of woman we all want to date. Quite a catch.] He made a great first impression, and she was pretty interested. That interest is slowly waning, though, because he just doesn't seem to have any balls. He doesn't call her between dates. In fact, he doesn't even call her to set up the next date. He emails. Email may be ok sometimes (and I've been known to use it to set up dates), but calling is almost always better. If you never call, but just email, that's just chicken. Email is the easy way out. Man up and call the girl.

So on top of this, they've been on three dates and there's been not even a hint of a move. Kissing? Nope. The slightest sign that he wants to kiss her and it will happen at some point? No, not even that. He's obviously interested because he keeps asking her out, so we rule out "uninterested" and that leaves us with "pussy." Poor guy.

What does my friend have to say about all this?

"I always go for take-charge types. He needs to grab me and kiss me like a porn star. Because if he doesn't want to make a move, why is he asking me out?"

Straight from the horse's mouth, gentlemen. Notice the choice of words. She didn't say "I just want him to kiss me ever so gently." She didn't say "he should ask permission and then kiss me." She said "he needs to grab me and kiss me like a porn star."

Yes, "like a porn star."

In other words, a little bit rough. A little manhandly. Like, horror of horrors, he actually wants to sleep with her. Like there's something about her that brings out his naughty side.

I hear this kind of thing all the time. It's a big part of why dating is such a pain in the ass for women these days -- most guys are afraid of being seen as someone who just wants a woman for sex or coming off as to insensitive. And while they're right, those are both bad things, some of y'all are taking it a little too far. It's ok to be men. Girls like men. In fact, they really like them. You don't want her to think you're just after sex? Great, don't date a girl if that's all you'd be interested in. If you treat her like you're not sexually interested, though, she's gonna think either a) you're not, or b) you're a pussy.

So be a man. Take control every now and then. Surprise her with random acts of dominant sexuality. Want to throw her up against a wall and kiss her passionately? Most of'em think that's really hot. Pin her arms to the bed for a minute while you're in the act? Great. Trust me, a woman will absolutely let you know if you push her limits too far, and as long as it's not something you've already been warned about, they're pretty forgiving, as long as you don't do it again.

On the other hand, maybe you prefer to keep being the sensitive, nice guy? Wonder what women think about that...



In Other News:

I'm going away for the weekend, and taking a half day at work tomorrow. What does this mean to you? Well, since I'm going to have to cram a whole day's work into half the time, no new post tomorrow. You'll see me again on Monday.

That doesn't mean you should stop with the questions. Need a guy's opinion? Send'em in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com.

Yuck.

Sinus infections suck.

Read this, it's hi-larious.

Dating Under the Influence

When drunk drivers get into car accidents, they tend to get seriously injured a lot less often than the sober people involved. The current logic is that they're relaxed and loose, and since their reaction times are in the shitter, they don't realize what's going on fast enough to tense up and brace against it. It's the people who try to fight it that really get messed up.

Jamy made this comparison today, and I absolutely love it.

You see, although you probably can't tell from this blog, I tend to be a cautious dater. Much like all of us who make it to our late twenties (or farther), I've had relationships before. I've been hurt, had some pretty difficult times romantically, and would like very much to avoid repeat performances of those particular events.

As a result, when I meet someone new, I tend to see them once a week or so (maybe a little less often) and talk every few days instead of diving right in headfirst. I keep people at arm's length and slowly get to know them. I brace myself.

I know a lot of people who miss out on great opportunities because they're too cautious, including myself. That said, I usually still feel the need to act that way.

I'm starting to think I'll know the right thing has come along when I throw caution to the wind and jump in headfirst. Not because I necessarily want to be uncautious, but because I can't seem to help myself.

What do you guys think? Good/bad/ugly? Help me out here.

What's in Your Drawers?

Ok girls, let's talk about underwear. Not the supersexy, lacy, fancy special occasion stuff, but what's on the menu on a more regular manner.

What do you wear?

Obviously, it has to fulfill a few requirements... gotta be comfortable, and it doesn't hurt if it makes you feel sexy, whether or not someone's going to be seeing them later, right?

Now, for guys, it's pretty easy. Tighty whities, bikinis, and thongs are definitely out. That leaves us with the choice of boxers or boxer briefs. Based on my informal polling, women are pretty much equally split on which they like better. It seems that if you're skinny and have a relatively decent body, boxer briefs are the way to go, but if you've got a little more to love, you should be packing it into boxers.

I'm totally fine with that. I love my boxer briefs. They're comfy and look damn sexy on me. On top of that, boxers can be a pain in the ass (shout-out to CRR the pun fanatic) because they bunch up or get twisted around and such. In other words, I never really had a choice, but I like what I ended up with.

You ladies, on the other hand, have a whole wide world of possibilities, and they just keep coming up with more aesthetically pleasing ways to cover your naughty parts, so how do you decide? You've got thongs, bikinis, boyshorts, girly briefs, and on and on ad infinitum. Obviously you don't want to be showing off the granny panties, but that doesn't narrow the field very much.

My advice?

Boyshorts are HOT. Like really hot. And I don't mean the crazy lace ones, I'm talking plain old cotton in bright colors and whimsical prints or patterns. Something like these:

Or maybe even these:

Seriously. There's pretty much nothing hotter to find when the pants come off. Nothing.

Not only do they accentuate the female body brilliantly (which they totally do) and show of the fun sides of your personality (with the bright colors and whimsical patterns), but girls look damn sexy in men's clothing. And women's clothing made to look like men's but still highlight your gorgeous curves? Even better.

My personal informal polling tells me this is a pretty damn common opinion in the right kind of single guys, so this is my educated expert opinion. And I'm sure the guys will chime in and back me up (hint, hint, gentlemen). If you don't have any, go buy yourself a few pairs this week. You'll like the reactions. Promise.

Anyway, I've just had boyshorts on the brain lately. Happy Monday.

Ask LMNt Friday -- March 2, 2007

Ok, guys -- it's that time again.

Frustrated with Dating writes:

You seem to know what you are talking about and having a guy's opinion seems like a good idea, so here is my 2 part question:

1. What are your feelings about girls calling guys? Mostly in the early stages of a relationship, before exclusivity has been established.

2. I went out with a guy about a week ago, it was the third date, and then after the date, we had a nice kiss goodnight and he had to go to his hockey game. It's been over a week and I just heard from him today. He sent an email saying, "what's up, been busy. What is new?" Huh. Thanks for the effort. I mean, ok, he likes me enough to check in with me, but not enough to pick up the phone and call me (and it has been 9 days). It feels like he just wants to keep me on the sidelines. Ughhh, so frustrating! What is with that???

LMNt says:

Ok, I feel your pain, and you've got a couple good questions.

1) It's totally cool for you to call guys. Everyone likes to know where they stand, and initiating contact with someone is a good way to let him know. I'm absolutely not an advocate of playing games like not answering the phone or not returning calls so he'll think you're busy or popular. That said, in the early stages, I'd say try to keep the amount of conversations you initiate vs the ones he does at a 1 to 2 or 3 ration. Let him call you more often. Always return his calls if he leaves you a message and you can't get to it, but when it comes to new conversations, let him take the initiative a little more than you do. It's a good way to gauge where you stand, too.

Once you know a guy is totally into you, all restrictions are lifted. When he's hooked, he wants nothing more than to hear from you. It could take a week or it could take a few months, depending on the guy and how well you connect, but when he's all about you, you'll know it, and you can call him as often as every day if you want to. If you ever become uncertain about his feelings, drop it back to that "one call for every two or three of his" situation until you're solid again.

2) This guy's just not that into you. I'd let it go. From the actions you describe, I think he's trying to set you up to be what my roommate calls an ATM (Alternative To Masturbation). He wants you to be around when he feels like it, but not be all up in his space when he doesn't. In short, he's looking for an occasional hookup and not a relationship from you.

Why do I say that? A few reasons. First of all, I'd never set up a third date with a girl I'm really into that has a hard end time. You never know what's going to happen, and you generally don't want a cut-off, in case things go really well. Secondly, he waited waaaay too long to contact you after the date, and as you mentioned, he didn't even pick up the phone. On top of that, he didn't even put any effort into the email he wrote you. Not good.

In other words, I think you're dead on with your "he wants me on the sidelines" take. He's keeping you around for the times when there's nobody "better" in his mind to hang out with. Whatever comes of it will not be worth the effort you have to put in. Ditch him and move on to the next one.

And so ends another exciting week here at LMNtal Attraction... Hope y'all have a great weekend, and I'll see you again right nere next week! Oh, and don't forget to send in your questions to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com.

Do You Believe?

True Love. Soulmates. The One. I've always thought these things were a load of bunk, but every once in a while, I almost wonder.

See, I just finished re-reading one of my favorite books last night, What Dreams May Come by Richard Matheson. It's about a man who marries his soulmate, has a family, and dies relatively young. That's where it starts. The actual story covers his quest through the afterlife to be reunited with his wife, because he heaven just isn't heaven to him without her. It's really touching, and totally appeals to my sappier side. On top of that, there's enough afterlife, supernatural stuff, and conflict to keep it from being too sickeningly sweet and/or boring. If you've never read it, check it out. And if you've seen the movie (with Robin Williams and Cuba Gooding Jr), trust me, the book is worlds and worlds better. This is definitely one not to miss.

So like I said, I've never put much stock in such ideas. I'm a pretty rational guy. I celebrate logic, science, and reason, and it's pretty hard to convince me of something you can't back up with a solid argument grounded in provable facts and evidence. In my head, the concept of the soulmate was created by the "God hates fags" crowd to keep their children celibate, repressed, and hopefully not knocked up. As long as you're dealing with rational adults, there are lots of combinations of people who could have a great long term relationship, given that they have the right relationship skills and put the work in. Makes sense, right? It's logical. As I've gotten older, though, I've seen some pretty inexplicable things.

The elderly couple that eloped after 3 weeks at just barely 19 who are now in their 60's and as madly in love as ever...

The friends who seem to be happier together than all the other couples I know and both claim they "just knew" when they met each other...

The ones I've seen meet, hit it off, and start dating who are so absolutely in tune with each other that it really seems from the outside perspective that they actually were made specifically for each other...

People who are willing to overcome any hardship to be with the right person, like my friend ReddieKim, who had a long distance relationship with her boyfriend for 6 years before finally moving in together in December...

Or even my parents, who met through a friend when they were going to school several hours apart and couldn't afford long distance phone calls or the travel to see each other more than once every couple of months, but did it for two years (and are still ridiculously happy, as I discussed here)...

These are just a few of the many examples I've seen. The longer I live, the more strange coincidences like these I come across, and the more I wonder if maybe they're not so much coincidences, at least in my more emotional moments. Most of the time, I'm still good old rational LMNt, but every once in a while it almost seems that there're no other explanation for such things that makes sense. I still don't know what I believe in this arena, but I know I'm probably done making fun of the people who get married super early because they claim to "just know." Even if I bought the concepts hardcore, that's probably still not my style, but I'm not going to say "never" because I've never been in such a situation.

I guess I just wonder sometimes if it's possible...

What do you think?