Thursday, March 29, 2007

How To Pick Up A Blogger

Ok, so you like to read blogs. Know how I knew that? You're here. I'm a smart cookie.

Anyway, I'm sure you've got a handful (or possibly more) you read regularly. It's a fairly intimate view into another person's life, and if you're anything like most of us, at some point you've developed a blog-crush or two. Maybe more. Want to turn those fantasies into reality? It's really not that hard. With a few easy steps, that blogger of your dreams can be all yours. Here's how.

Email Prolifically -- Write really long emails to him/her, specifically describing why exactly you think you're meant for each other. Do it every hour, on the hour. If they don't respond, it's cool -- they just didn't get the first 6 or so. Write more. You're probably not explaining how much you want to be with them enough, so try harder. And it's especially important to send one immediately after they post (so they know you're paying attention) dissecting the post in detail and using it to bolster your claims of being fated lovers.

Express Your Undying Love -- It's very, very important to make sure they know you can't live without them, so make sure to use the "L" word as often as possible. It doesn't matter that you've never met him/her... you've read their innermost thoughts, right? That means you know them already, so make sure they know that. As often as possible.

Use What Information You Have -- Ok, so most bloggers try to stay relatively anonymous. We don't give you our real names or addresses or other identifying info. It's not that we don't want you to know us, of course, we just want to see how resourceful you are. Be creative with the information you do have. For example, if you know what neighborhood he/she lives in and what his/her dogs look like, you can easily find out where your blogger lives. Stake out the neighborhood and inconspicuously follow them home when they walk the dogs. Write down the address and immediately start mailing romantic tokens, addressed to the blogger's pen-name. If you really want to snare your blogger, you're gonna have to get creative. Think bloody pig's hearts, barbed wire, trinkets made from/stuffed with body parts, and poetry about "if I can't have you, no one will." We love it when you're creative and unique. We're creative and unique, too -- that's why we blog.

Only Use the Third Person -- Eliminate "I," "you," "we," and all such similar words from your vocabulary when corresponding with your blogger. You should most often refer to them by the pet name you've established early on in your communication. Think sappy. I've heard "Schmoopsie" works especially well. When you're not using the nickname, call them by what you know them as (LMNt, Kassy, Ar-Jew-Tino, Velvet, etc.), and your last option should be he or she. Good: "[Your Name Here] wants to marry [Schmoopsie/Blogname/him/her] and keep [him/her/them] locked up in a trunk 4EVAR!!!" Bad: "I think you're cool, let's have a beer."

Stalk -- Now that you know where they live, it's probably in your best interests to take a few days off work and just follow them around for a while. Make sure you run into them right at the beginning of your stalking period and introduce yourself -- you want to make sure they know you're the one who's been doing all these romantic things. After that, you should resist initiating conversation at all costs. Just make sure you stare really hard. That way they'll notice you when you're around. They should see you at their work, home, and while out on the town or running errands. The more familiar they get with you, the better.

Start a Love Blog -- Blogs are pretty easy to make. Most of the major sites already do most of the work for you, so all you have to do is the writing. Make sure to get a name like "pookieluvs[bloggername].blogspot/wordpress/whatever.com" You should dedicate it to your poetry, long-winded explanations of why they're your soulmate, and of course, publish any private and/or personal details you know about them. Link to their blog, so they'll see it in their stats, and update regularly. This is a good place to repost the emails they haven't responded to. That way you can be sure they've seen them.

Use Threats -- If all else fails, threaten your blogger with bodily harm or death. Don't forget to throw in suicide, too. You have to be strong to motivate them.

In other words, be as creepy as possible. We never have enough ideas to write about, and a creepy stalker type is the perfect solution. You give your blogger an endless supply of posts, and they'll be so greatful they'll give you just about anything you want. Everybody likes to be scared sometimes -- that's why we have roller coasters and horror movies. Of course, creepy can be hard to do well, and if it's not your thing? Well, maybe you should just give up.

There is one other option, though. If you really want to get to know the person behind the words, you could always just come to a Blogger Happy Hour. Non-bloggers are totally welcome, and if you're a blogger too, even better. You're pretty much guaranteed to meet your crush, and if they're as cool as you think they are, and you're pretty fun yourself, you may make friends. Hell, you might even make that love connection you've been dreaming about. You never know.

14 comments:

I-66 said...

Oh the things I could write about this.

freckledk said...

I told you - it's OVER between us. Stop transmitting love vibes through my television. I know it's YOU, silly.

See you tonight, Cowboy.

dagny taggart said...

I do love the smell of sarcasm in the afternoon. Hope I get to meet you tonight!

Bigger Bitch Than You said...

HA HA HA HA. I'd come but so many people are in love with me, I am afraid I'd have a fight over me. I mean Roosh and VK would NOT be able to keep their HANDS off me!

DCWeddingPhotog said...

Great, funny post. Wish I could come tonight, have fun!

Airam said...

The way you wrote this I was reading it thinking that this actually happened to you!

Lesser Being of Leisure said...

That all sounds like good advice. I'd add that it's probably not a good idea to sleep with any of your fans either (until you get to know them pretty well).

Ryane said...

HAHAHAHAHA. LMNT, that was funny. But I think you forgot to mention boiling a bunny rabbit?? Great to meet you last night.

LJ said...

Too funny! Love "start a love blog". Hate to have missed the HH last night.

heart said...

This pushes all the boundaries on the extend-the-joke-past-its-natural-ending-point
sarcasm that i love so much. glorious!

ジェネヴィーヴ said...

Please tell me this has happened to you before.

Ahhh, last night was great. Always nice to see you. :)

Kathy said...

That's was sarcasm? Damn, I had started to take notes on how to woo you...

Beth said...

I love it! Too bad the happy hour is in DC. I guess I'll have to locate the blogger happy hour in my area.

:-)

dionna said...

Wow - you've just described how my s/o caught me. It works! ;)