Wednesday, February 28, 2007

POW!!! Right in the Kisser!

Ok, so a friend and I have been having a lot of conversations lately about kissing and kissing skill. As I've mentioned before, I'm a huge fan, and I've been known to describe myself as a kissoholic. And, based on the feedback I've received and the wide range of kissing I've experienced, I think I'm a qualified expert on the subject.

What makes a good kisser? I think it has a lot to do with style. Most people have their own style, likes, and dislikes, and really exceptional kissers are the couples for whom the styles and preferences match. That said, there are quite a few things that can make one a bad kisser, and that's what I'm here to talk about today. The big faux pas. Here's my list, and feel free to add your favorites in the comments.

The Slobber -- Ok, obviously this isn't a completely clean and dry experience if you're doing it right. That said, if I need a towel when we're done, it's a little much. Try to keep most of your spit in your mouth. Or even in mine. Just not so much all over my face like I just played with a puppy. Ok? Thanks.

The Rapid Dipper -- The tongue thing is an intricate dance. An exchange, almost like a handshake for your tongues, if you will. Under no circumstances should you rapid-fire your tongue into and out of my mouth like you're playing a video game and trying to hit the buttons as fast as possible. That's just weird, and it makes it plainly obvious that you just don't get it. Slow down and let the "handshake" happen.

The O-Face -- Open mouth, insert tongue, leave mouth open, don't let jaw move... I'm sure y'all have experienced this one before. Not cool. Ever seen a romantic movie? Notice people's mouths actually move when they kiss? Try that, it just might work for you. Cause the not closing thing? Not working for me.

The StiffArm -- Ok, I meant stiff tounge, but the name's cooler when I say arm. Even rough kissing should be soft where your mouths meet. Soft. Seriously. Almost like you're melting together in the face. When you stick your tongue into my mouth all rigid like that, I feel like you're digging for something or giving me some sort of exam. I repeat, think soft. It'll help. A lot.

The Nun -- You know, you're right. Tongue really is overrated and overused in this world. That said, you're erring too far on the other side. Open your mouth a little and let your tongue play. It won't hurt, and you won't catch anything you wouldn't have caught with the chaste kisses, but if you kiss me like you kiss your little brother, I'm gonna assume you feel the same way about me as you do him. And I'm not going to enjoy the kissing so much.

The Swirlee -- I'm really not sure where people got this idea, but I've met more than one girl who thinks kissing goes "open mouth, insert tongue, swirl it in a circle around your partner's tongue as if you were twiddling your thumbs." Not so much a fan of that. Slow down and let me catch you.

The Tongue Sucker -- Ok, this one deserves a caveat. Yes, at certain times, every once in a while, it can be really hot. But very rarely. It should only be broken out once or twice during a seriously hot foreplay session. If this is the only way you know how to kiss? Not good. I don't even think it so much is a kiss, technically.

The UFC Champ -- Yes, I really really like it when you suck and/or nibble on my lower lip like that. Seriously awesome. But when you bite it so hard I'm still feeling your teeth the next day? Ummm... that's a bit violent for me unless we're really going all out on the rough sex kick. You, much like the StiffArm, should think soft. Gentle. Melting. Got it? Much better.

The FaceLicker -- Again, suitable very rarely for certain types of foreplay, but in general? Kind of weird and lots of gross. No thank you.

The Hoover -- Please don't try to inhale my face. It's not a pleasant sensation. Really, if you'd like to be sucking on something, I've got better options for you. It shouldn't be a part of kissing most of the time. Especially at the high pressure you're using. A little gentle sucking now and then goes a long way. More than that just goes too far.

This has been a pubic (ok, more like facial) service announcement from your friendly neighborhood romance blogger. Need more help than this? Well, if you're cute enough, I can possibly arrange some private lessons. You know where to reach me. ;-)

P.S. -- Oh, and? Today? My 50th post. Yay!


Anonymous said...

hahaha I've experienced the face licker. always a traumatic experience. :(

mm said...

Ugh, the hoover and the facelicker. They are just very unfortunate experiences I'd like to forget.

mandy said...

it's a "pubic service announcement"?

nice freudian slip there.

personally i'm a big fan of the lower lip move (UFC Champ). IF it's done properly... although i've met few who understand "properly".

and another thing: chapstick! it's not just for the girly lips anymore.

I-66 said...

Dammit... Mandy beat me to the "pubic service announcement", though I think that is an entirely different post in and of itself.

I carry chapstick almost all the time, especially during the winter. No flavors though. That's kinda girly.

foxysavant said...

have you ever been kissed by an "i'm original" kisser? one who tries to make out with, say, your upper lip, or the corners of your mouth?

and it's not bad aim, it's on purpose.

he/she is trying to make kissing history, boldly going where no kiss has gone before! and for all the years of kissing in human history, there's probably a reason that kind of kissing hasn't caught on. makes me shudder thinking about it.

also, there's the formulaic kisser--like, go through steps 1-5, then repeat. I've kissed him too...and it was nice, but predictable. ;)

the nun explanation made me laugh.

LMNt said...

Gen -- Yeah, I can't help but think of Batman Returns when Catwoman licks his face. Ew. If it was Michelle Pfeiffer, maybe I'd feel differently.

MM -- If we forgot them, where would we find our blog-fodder?

Mandy -- Doesn't a fruedian slip have to be accidental? I couldn't pass up the wordplay opportunity.

I-66 -- Chapstick, huh? No comment.

FoxySavant -- While I'm all for originality in most areas, some things are better with the tried and true approach. Formulaic, on the other hand? Not for me.

Red said...

Oh my! I think I've experienced most of those but the slobber almost made me puke. I called him the Gingivitis Kiss.

Nicole d. said...

The last guy I dated was a great guy, except he was the definition of O-Face kisser. Can this be fixed? How do you tell someone they have NO skills in the kissing department? Luckily he had lots of other skills. Which should have translated into good kissing....;)

Beth said...

Guys definitely can use chapstick. Smooth lips are nice. I personally like the UFC Champ, but not non-stop/all the time. And there are only a few people who know how to do it properly.

Congrats on your 50th post. I look forward to reading more! There's about a 5% chance I'll be in the DC area this year. If I am, I'll look you up, and you can critique my style. :-P

Airam said...

This post is hilarious!

LMNt said...

Red -- Somehow, between the getting romantic too early, asking permission to hold your hand, deathgrip, and terribly awkward kissing, I would be willing to bet that he really was a 39 year old virgin. Yikes.

Nicole -- I've had some luck with "I really like it when you kiss me like this" and a demonstration, but in general? Those who commit the major sins can't usually be reformed.

Beth -- Well now, that sounds like fun. Hmmmm... ;-)

Airam -- Thankya!

Pagan Marbury said...

What about the disgustos who like to run their tongues up and around your TEETH?

I love kissing a good kisser. Turns into a hot and heavy foreplay session right away.

Pagan Marbury said...

Great post by the way.

Anonymous said...

so then a little lip sucking is good? hmmm.. thank god. great post, very helpful if your lame like me and google these things. and if whoever wrote that is hot then i am interested.