Ask LMNt Friday -- February 2, 2007

Woohoo! Almost weekend time!

This week, Velvet from Velvet In Dupont is stepping in to lend us her experience. Since starting her Year of Bad... um, I mean First Dates, she's had plenty of experience with today's topic, and I'm sure she had quite a bit prior to that, too.

Silly Rabbit writes:

So, what's the best way to gently let down a guy and let him know he's in the friend zone and not damage the potential for a good friendship? I've gone on a bunch of dates with someone and as much as I want to like him in that way, I just don't. So far the physical issue hasn't, ahem, arisen on its own (maybe he thinks I'm old fashioned and end every day with a brief peck--ha! good one), but I feel the need to make it clear that as much as I really, truly love his company, I am not hot for him--especially since he now seems to think we're seeing each other. Do I simply say "I like you but am not attracted to you in that way" or "I like you but am dating others right now " (true but beside the point), "I like you but I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than get nekkid with you," or do nothing but make it clear by actions that I "am just not that into him."

Velvet says:

I don't think there is ever a gentle way to let someone down. When it comes to dating and matters of the heart, egos and emotions run high. I know many women who have managed to work themselves into a genuine friendship with a man, but it's difficult to do. Remember the old "When Harry Met Sally" rule: Men and women can never truly be friends because one or both of the two will always wonder what it would be like to sleep with the other one. Even if they don't think of it initially, once the friendship grows, it often seems a natural progression.

In my days of dating, I never quite perfected the art of how to let someone down. The immature thing I used to do in the earlier dating times was that I would just stop returning phone calls. But, as I got older, I realized that while that is the way a lot of people handle these matters, it wasn't my style. I'm brutally honest, and I had to be true to myself. I personally don't feel that telling someone you don't have that "added something" to make this a romantic relationship is bad or wrong. But when I let a guy down a year ago and told people that I said, "I just don't have the chemistry I need to pursue this," some of my girlfriends thought I was mean. To me, I felt I was saying to him that it wasn't that he did something wrong - the old "it's not you, it's me." But it may not have sounded that way. I don't necessarily have the perfect answer to this question, I just know that being honest is more important to me than sparing someone's feelings. People don't always want to hear the truth, sometimes they like to be let down easy, but for the most part, I think that men like feedback. And since the day I decided honesty was the best policy, I have never had anyone say anything nasty to me when I say that I'm "just not feeling it." They have always appreciated the honesty. I do so hate linking to myself, but perhaps this will help you understand my thoughts a little better. I wrote about the entire situation here.


LMNt says:

You've got a problem. I can pretty much guarantee you that you are not going to end up friends with this guy. Not a chance in hell. The "potential for a good friendship" has left the building. Here's why:

First of all, let's talk about him. If the physical end of things has been little more than a peck or two, there's no sexual tension, and he's 1) continued to go on "a bunch of dates" with you, and 2) convinced himself you're an item, that says a lot. I've never even met the guy, and I can already tell from here that he's the passive-aggressive "nice guy" type, and most likely either a borderline misogynist deep down, or well on his way to getting there. Any guy with balls (and options with women) will move on if things don't seem to be progressing after the first couple of dates. He's probably built this up in his head into a very big deal at this point, and he's really not going to take it well. It's quite possible he'll fall into the typical pattern of a spineless guy in these situations, and assume you were using him for the free meals. He's not going to see the situation for what it is -- you care about him, genuinely think he's a cool guy, and didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Now it's your turn. Why in the world did you let it get this far? These things need to be dealt with early, like after the first or second date, or else the other person might start to catch feelings for you. I understand you didn't want to hurt him, but the longer you wait, the more he assumes you like him and the more it hurts when it does happen. He may be clueless, but the fact that you keep going out with him gives him all the reasons he needs to make the wrong assumptions. Sorry honey, but it's time to nip this in the bud, and it's not going to be pretty. And handle it earlier next time.

You've got two choices here. You can either be up front about it and tell him, or you can stop taking his calls and pretend you never met him. I'm a big advocate of the honest approach, but I understand that it can be really hard to do something you know will hurt someone, especially when you have to see the reaction. The MIA method can be easier on you because you can't see the damage it's doing to him emotionally, and I've seen plenty of people do it. That said, I think you should take the hard way. Doing the right thing is rarely easy, but it's still the right thing.

Next time you have an opportunity, tell him you need to talk. Then just lay it out there. "You know, I really think you're a cool guy, but I'm just not feeling the sparks here. I think we should just be friends." Then don't budge on it. He may try to convince you to change your mind. He'll probably talk about all the reasons he thinks you should be together, because some guys have a hard time understanding how to deal with things on an emotional level. It could be a long conversation if I've read him properly, and he may spend a few weeks, months, or maybe even years trying to make you like him, but at some point he'll give up. And that's where you'll probably lose the friendship. There's a bright side, though. Usually by that point, he's shown what he's all about, and you don't want the friendship very much anyway.

Have a great weekend, folks! And if you've got a dating question, don't forget to send it to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com.