Ask LMNt Friday -- February 9, 2007

Happy Friday, everybody. No female advisor this week -- this question is definitely just looking for the male opinion. If you have a question you'd like to see answered here, send it in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com.

First Move writes:

In the context of online dating, and using match.com as an example, is it okay for a girl to take the initiative to wink at a guy? Is this perceived by guys as being too forward or aggressive? In my normal dating life, I have always found the best relationships, be them short- or long-term, started by the guy doing the chasing. When I was younger, the couple of times when I tried chasing, it did not turn out well. What do you think? Do the same rules apply for online dating?

LMNt says:

Ok, as I mentioned yesterday, I think you're on the right track about letting the guy do the pursuing. We're hunters. We like the chase, and we like to win your affection. That said, we don't like to chase when we have no idea whether it's warranted or not. The best interactions I've had involve a little bit of chasing and a little bit of encouragement. It's a give and take. You've got to let a guy know you're open to being chased, and if he slows down, give him just enough of a signal to spur him on. In this day and age, as I-66 commented yesterday, we're so hammered with the "He's Not That Into You" idea, that we're a lot quicker to give up and move on, especially if we've got other options, as most of the best guys do.

In a bar, it's easy to do let him know you want him to pursue. You catch his eye, flash a coy smile, and he's got a green light. On the internet, it's a little different. You can't make eye contact, and he can't see your reactions when he looks at you. Not to mention, there are so many people online that most guys make a list. There are such a huge amount of attractive people to choose from, we pick a few almost at random and start there. We'll send a few emails, see what happens, and then move to the next few in the list if nothing pans out. Guys may be so focused on what they're working on now that they don't notice other girls or don't check out other profiles, so he may not have even seen you.

I think the wink is the perfect solution for a girl. It says the same thing as the eye contact/coy smile in the real world -- "I noticed you and liked what I saw, now come get me." You're basically throwing the ball into his court. Once you've done that, it's his opportunity to start the chase. I've had some really great relationships (short and long term) that started with a wink from her. In fact, those are usually the best ones.

So yes, absolutely send winks. If he hasn't noticed you, you can be sure he will once it shows up in his inbox, and if you're on his list, a sign that you're interested will move you to the top of it. Don't expect a response from every guy you wink at, though. There are lots of reasons he may not respond. He could be getting more serious with a girl he's met recently, but not yet at the point of being exclusive, he could have too many dates to fit another one in, or you may not be his type. Online dating is a numbers thing. If you show a little bit of interest, though, your numbers will get higher, as will your chances of finding what you're looking for.

That's it for this week, folks. Have a great weekend and I'll see y'all on Monday.