What About Love?
Hi, my name is LMNt, and I'm an addict.
I love strong, independent women. Like really, really love them. They're my weakness. When I meet one, I can't stop thinking about her. I want to make her smile all the time. I want her to not be able to stop thinking about me, too. I want to open up to her, tell her all my secrets, learn hers, and build something together.
This is a problem.
Why? Well, the Washington Post hit it on the head yesterday. If you haven't read the article, go read it. It's important, it's dead on, and it's one of the biggest problems I see in our world today as far as dating and relationships go.
Finished reading? Great, let's move on.
So how does that relate to my addiction to strong, independent women? They're the most likely to feel this way. That love is a pain in the ass, and being dependent on someone, even a little bit, is a terrible situation to get into. Usually for this kind of woman, her romantic life is the last item on her list of priorities. They become terminally unavailable -- not because they don't want to be available, but because everything else is more important than dating, and there's always something that takes precedence. It's just not on the radar.
You see, we all know that co-dependence is bad. We've seen (and dated) terrible examples of needy people that completely drive the ones they love away, and it really is awful. But maybe we've taken our avoidance of neediness too far? When I look back at my dating life as a whole, people being too independent has been a much bigger and more common problem than people who are too dependent. There's almost nothing worse than meeting someone, really hitting it off, and spending the next month trying to find time to get together and hang out again. I can't begin to count the number of truly amazing women I've missed out on simply because I just got tired of trying to work myself into their schedule and gave up.
When did love lose its lustre? If it's not a goal we have, something we desire, we'll never make it enough of a priority to actually happen. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to lose my identity to anyone, but I don't think that a little bit of depending on someone is bad. I want to be there for a partner. I want to be the one she calls when she's feeling down and needs a pick-me-up. I want to be a shoulder to cry on and an outside source of strength when she needs it, and I want her to do the same for me. A good relationship creates an ally against the troubles of the outside world, someone who's always there to back you up and help you when you need it. The thing is, to get that, we have to give up just a little of our independence. We have to open up to the possibility of relying on someone and realize that no one can always be completely self-sufficient, and we need to make finding real love a priority in our lives. The end result is more than worth a little extra effort.
We've all been hurt, and it's an awful feeling. It's enough to make one very cautious about who they open up to. But I've met a lot of people lately (not necessarily in dating situations) who've decided that being hurt is not worth it anymore, and who've closed themselves off completely to the idea of new relationships. Sure, they'll hook up -- we all need a little booty now and then -- but when the opportunity arises for something truly special, they pass. Sometimes they blow the person off, sometimes they just say they're not interested, and sometimes they self-sabatoge, but the end result is the same. It doesn't work out, and reinforces their view that love is for suckers. Well, it's not. And I'm willing to stand up and announce that to the world.
Love is not for suckers. I want to find it, dammit, and I think everyone should. Let's start a revolution and break the damn cycle. Let's wake up each morning and ask ourselves: What can I do today to open myself up to love?
Well? What can you do today?
15 comments:
I am so on board for the revolution.
Something small that everyone can do each day is just to smile and make eye contact with as many people as you can:) It will make you, and others, feel better.
Awesome post. I <3 you!
So here's my suggestion. Love seems to come at you when you are not looking for it. So why force the "getting to know you" phase? After a few dates you feel like you have to go to the next level or quit. Why can't we start out more friends and build the relationship from there? Yes, I may be too busy to get all prettied up and go on a date this week or month, but I can surely tell you that talking on IM or the phone is almost always an encouraged activity. Because especially at night before bed I want to chat with someone about the day and what's on my mind. Who knows, I might come to realize that I do need and want to talk more than just that.
I was not looking for a serious relationship, but I found one from someone who was interested in me and willing to be there when I needed him. He was patient and didn't push me to open up to him, but I did. There were rough times when I tried to push him away, but he kept being my friend and was always there for me. Eventually I realized- hey, this is a really great guy, what the hell am I doing? and then I went for it.
That being said, it's never easy. But I think we do all want someone to love and to love us, you just also have to be willing to really work at it. There are many times it could have fallen apart, or almost did, but we made the decision to work it out and stick with it and love each other.
I do tend to give more time to someone I already know or is a friend with whom there might be something more. I'm more likely to become more "independent" and busy if it's someone who is pretty much a stranger.
Some of us women try to prove ourselves to society (and men) by being independent. To be dependent and to lean on a guy is a sign of weakness.
It takes a strong man to stay with a woman while she's learning to be both independent and emotionally reliant (at least partially) on a man. Unfortunately there aren't many men out there who are willing to stick around and wait. Then again, men don't want clingy, codependent women. It's a vicious cycle and we are doing it to ourselves.
I agree with Jo...Its a no win situation for many people...btwn what we want and what society expects of us.
I am one of those independent women...I love my alone time but I also love the feeling of being in love...I think its hard to find someone that is ok with me spending so much time on my own...hence I choose to just hook up with people I trust and am sexually compatible with (never more than one at a time) and not date at all and when I find someone that I feel will fit all my particular needs, then I give them a chance.
But as someone that has been hurt in the past, I willingly admit that it is hard for me to open up to love. Especially considering I want to move to Europe eventually and have a more creative type of job...I would need to meet someone that was willing to put up with my fanciful whims.
:) But great post.
I have so many problems with this post, and its inherent sexism, it is hard to know where to begin.
FIRST, "I can't begin to count the number of truly amazing women I've missed out on simply because I just got tired of trying to work myself into their schedule and gave up." I am sorry to break this to you, but a woman who is "too busy" to see you 9 times out of 10 is just not that into you. Like any man who is balancing a career and other personal commitments, a woman with a career and a life outside of work needs to make choices with her time. So, if she is into you, then she will choose to make time to see you. If she is not into you, she won't. It is that simple.
SECOND, your basic point is that a career woman's romantic life is the last item on her list of priorities. This is sexist crap. This is not the 1950s. Women today have more career choices and are able to support themselves in ways that were not possible 50 years ago, when marrying right out of high school or college was really the only option for financial security. So now, we prefer many times to date around and wait for the RIGHT GUY to come around when WE are ready for it. You come off like a whiner, that you are pissed that you actually have to WORK for the affection of a woman. God forbid we don't all drop to our knees when you ask.
And FINALLY, when you refer to "strong and independent" women in your post, you seem to be talking about women who are in their 20s but not yet married. I assume you are focusing in on this subset of women because they fall into your dating pool, but be careful when you use such broad brush strokes. You seem to be using "independent" as a synonym for "single." This implies that women who AREN'T single are DEPENDENT, which again is sexist crap--and perpetuates the very thing you say is a problem with women who are worried about feeling dependent in a relationship.
It seems like the article was focused on women in thier early-mid 20s. This age group is trying to establish thier career and that is the top priority, just like it is for most people that age, regardless of gender. I know that during my early 20s, all I could think about was my career and grad school.
Now that I am a bit older and more settled in a career, my priorities have shifted. I think the main point is that strong, independent women are also the ones that know they can fall in love when they want to. And they will give any guy the time of day if they are interested.
Everyone wants to be loved. It is just a matter of timing. For some men and women, the time is now. For others, it is when they feel they are more settled in life and can offer their significant other the attention they deserve.
I really liked the article and how it hit on the issue of "hook-ups" vs. actual dating. Some women don't think they have the physical or emotional to invest in a relationship so they go for the quick and easy. I'll be the first to say the quick and easy often ends up to the total opposite. Putting yourself out there is intimidating, but notcarrie has the right idea. Smile and I put money it that someone will smile back!
As an independant woman I would like to say that for me its because the men who I chose in the past were not dependable so as a result I had to be able to take care of myself. I would prefer, a lot of the time, to have someone take care of me, to depend on. Since my past experiences did not provide that, I have became much more selective in who piques my interest. I won't sacrifice my independance because I did work hard to get here, but every now and then I would like to know someone is there for me, other than myself.
Love is not something you find. It's just there... it starts with the giver and then it is shared. It isn't a thing to be captured. It ebbs and flows.
It isn't a relationship... it is in the way you relate. You can share a moment of love with a hookup or significant other the same as sharing a moment of love with a stranger. You can be completely intimate and vulnerable with friends, family, romantic partners or the dude sitting next to you on the bus.
Most of the (un)happily married/attached people around have no idea what love even feels like. They got together and stayed together to satisfy some need - mostly Mother Nature's trick to get us to reproduce. While people need love to live, they more often than not believe they are deserving of it... then they look to someone else to give them what they should be giving themselves.
Only when a person is completely independent can they be interdependent with another. Separateness is just as important as togetherness. They compliment each other well.
I think that these "new women" have the right idea; they just have to take it one step further. First, give oneself all that one needs... then, (and only then) is one capable of sharing the overflow. Give love to others (selfishly) because you have so much of it to give... without the thought of "will my love be returned?" People who grasp this are the only ones capable of real love, imho.
So what can I do today? Love myself... Stop searching for some special person to love and simply share the gift with everyone. It's like the Golden Rule, yet it doesn't matter whether they do unto you or not. Try it. It's cool. :-)
You say: "When I look back at my dating life as a whole, people being too independent has been a much bigger and more common problem than people who are too dependent."
My experience has been just the opposite. Does that say something about how men and women have changed? Or just who you and I choose to date? :P We've had conversations about this phenomenon and I'm curious what others have to say...
I also have to agree with Jo: "It takes a strong man to stay with a woman while she's learning to be both independent and emotionally reliant (at least partially) on a man."
We spend our whole lives learning, and loving someone in this way is probably the hardest thing we ever have to learn. With this, a major part of life that is both very complicated and difficult, most of us really do need to learn by doing. That being said, it takes two very strong people to learn to love together. But it's finding real love that helps you become that strong.
Ah, yes...start a revolutin LMNtal! It's important to be open to love whenever it might happen- and stop thinking you can control when you want it to enter your life. I wish I could have understood this when I was in my 20's.
You have to consider the mixed messages that women get as they grow up. In past generations, they were only expected to find a mate and have a family. Now they are expected to do everything- achieve greatness in their careers, be strong and independent, have exciting experiences AND find a mate and have a family.
I suspect that the young women mentioned in the article are fooling themselves. Women are biologically wired to want love, to want a man, to be vulnerable. But we try so hard to prove to the world that we aren't "weak" in that way so we try to show that we are "tough" and "don't need a man".
It is a tough line to walk.
By the way- I strongly disagree with the commenter that thought your post was sexist. I thought it was awesome.
And thanks for linking to me on V-day- my traffic shot up, thanks to you! :)
I'm late commenting on this post, but here goes.
First, what reddiekim wrote in her 2nd paragraph is my same situation. I have archives full of posts of encounters with men who I "just wasn't that into."
Second, the first anon makes some interesting points. I'm in a relationship but far from dependent. Years ago, women had to get married for financial security. Now, they don't. It's a wonderful option. But of course, I know you are just talking about dating, not marriage. Just a thought to toss out there.
In any budding relationship, the two people move at different speeds. The key is, how much different are their respective speeds and if the one going faster "sees the relationship" before the one moving more cautiously, then the one going faster can crush it. I'm the prime example of that in my relationship with Sherlock. He was always moving quicker, and it was a disaster over and over and over. I kept going back because I knew there was something there, but then he would piss me off with his neediness and I'd bail out again.
Dude, he's so gonna kick my ass b/c he reads your blog too. Hurry! Post again so this one falls wayyy down!!
sounds like LMNt and aileen are made for each other.
it's like i wrote that post myself. my friends say they can tell whether i'll fall hard for a woman, not because she's gorgeous or nice, but because she's smart and independent. i'll go to the ends of the earth to win over that woman, but the pretty homemaker who is willing to cater to each of my needs... eh... no thanks.
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