Going Below the Surface
When you first meet someone new, the possibilities are endless. This person could be anything to you -- an interesting conversation, a new friends, a lover, occasional hookup, a few dates, a girlfriend or boyfriend... anything you can imagine. The less you know them, the more potential roles they can have in your life.
Some people jump right in, pursuing that person for the role they hope he or she will fill. I think that's a big reason so many relationships start out quickly and burn out in much the same manner. They usually find at some point that the reality doesn't compare to the fantasy person. Real people have flaws, and they may have been better suited to a different role. I find it works much better for me to focus on having more dates and feeling things out than it does to focus on what you think you may want from them in the future.
A great first date (or a great few first dates) is a wonderful thing. I really love the way it feels to meet someone you click with, but it shouldn't be the end of the screening process. It takes more time to truly figure out if you're compatible with somone and if so, what type of relationship will be right for the two of you. You need more information than you can gather in a few hours or a few days.
The "we like each other, what now?" stage is a really fascinating and exciting time, but it's also a great opportunity to see what a person's all about. Do they pay too much attention to you? Too little? How considerate are they? Do they immediately integrate you into their life or take a more cautious approach? Do they have their own social life outside of dating? What happens when you put the ball in their court -- do they send it back over the net or do you have to serve again? Do they focus more on telling you about themselves or trying to learn more about you? Are they aggressive or passive? Where does "love life" fall in their list of priorities? How intense is their work situation?
You can really learn a lot about someone's outlook on dating here, and the "right" answers to all of those questions differ from person to person. It's like trying clothes on while you're still in the dressing room -- you're checking out the fit. It's always better to find out they don't fit before you buy them than to have to go back and return that new outfit later. You can also learn a lot from how they act about what they think of you.
The learning process is one of my favorite parts of dating. It's when you really learn who's right, who's not, and who's got ridiculous amounts in common with you. For some people it only lasts a date or two, for others it can last six months. I tend to find it's different with everyone who makes it this far. A lot of times, things never go past this period, but when they do, you usually know beyond a doubt that you've got a winner on your hands. And when I have a DTR conversation, I know I mean it.
5 comments:
Excellent post. My favorite post of yours that I've read so far.
You say that the "what now?" stage is fun and exciting- see, I hate it. Makes me nervous and I never know what I should be saying/doing/acting- am I being too aggressive? Not enough? How much interest should I be showing?
Anyway, I'll try to read while I'm abroad, but I may just have to do a huge catch-up when I get back. Keep it up!
I agree, this is one of your best posts and spot on! I actually just had one of those dates last night. It was another first date and it was nice. And now I am in the "what now" phase, and it is kind of exciting. We both got feedback (from our mutual friend) that there is interest on both parts. But you are right, it definately takes a few rounds before you can tell if this is something worth pursuing further.
definitely spot on post. i'm with DCweddingphotog though, i can't stand the 'what now?' stage! i find myself constantly analyzing and wondering, neither of which are healthy. i think the moral of that story is, try not to take it too seriously and have fun.
I think that a higher rate of success will be had in such a period if you focus more on how the person actually makes you feel in real life interactions than how you "should" be appearing. You need to be yourself, and if it means that the match isn't right, so be it.
Miss M
It can be difficult for me to not be shy during this part. But I guess thats a part of my personality that people will either love or hate.
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