What Not To Wear... umm, I mean "say"

I had a very interesting phone conversation last night with an internet girl. This was the big First Phone Call, and lasted about 20 minutes. I'm usually pretty good at these -- I banter well and tend to draw people out of their shell relatively easily. Most First Phone Calls with LMNt flow... easy, fun conversations where we feel like we've known each other a while already.

This one, however, was different.

First of all, she gave me almost nothing to work with. Very short answers and little input in the direction of the conversation. Okay, no biggie. I did my usual thing, flirted a little bit, and she opened right up. Which is when things got really interesting.

Ladies of the internet world, I'd like to take this opportunity to offer a few tips on dealing with potential dates. When you're just getting to know someone new, you should make every effort to highlight the positive and minimize the negative. Granted, if we're going to date, the negative things will come out in time, and the best partnerships are the ones where you know each other intimately, good and bad, your strengths compliment their weaknesses and vice versa. But don't throw out all the weaknesses right up front. I don't have enough good vibes about you to counterbalance a wealth of negative ones. Instead of starting out with "I bite my nails," or "my battle to quit smoking is the bane of my existence," I'm going to tell you stories about the good times I've had with my friends, say you're fiesty and I like that, and get those good vibes rolling. Once we're hooked on each other, my less impressive traits will come out at a slow trickle, but never enough to even come close to overwhelming the positive feelings you've begun to associate with me.

So here's a list of actual examples from last night's phone call you may want to stay away from:

1) Please don't tell me in our first conversation how much you make. I don't care, and while that will probably come up in time, I'm not telling you how much I make. I'd like to think you are cautious enough to keep that information to yourself.

2) After telling me exactly how much you make hourly and exactly how many hours you work (including overtime), please refrain from saying "yeah, so I make $XXX a month and my bills come to $YYY (which is $XXX + 20%) a month."

3) Don't tell me you have a problem with large amounts of "unsecured debt" and then explain to me like I'm a moron that it means credit cards.

4) After painting me a vivid picture of (exactly) how far beyond broke you are, if you tell me how you go out drinking and play poker once a week, you went snowboarding last weekend, and you'll never NOT have cable, don't expect me to be too enthusiastic about meeting up. Yes, I like to have fun and enjoy life, but I also like to live within my means. Spending money you don't have on non-essentials and extravagances when you're already in debt is retarded, and I don't date retards. Sorry.

5) If you tell me "I always seem to date losers who don't have jobs and take advantage of me or guys with chemical imbalances who are pretty crazy and don't take their medication," I'm going to wonder what's wrong with you that attracts these men, and what's wrong with your judgement to date them, even though I have the tact not to say it out loud.

6) That massive "unsecured debt" is because you dated the wrong guy who fucked your finances? Well, it's not completely unheard of, but it is a BIG RED FLAG. Thanks.

7) Your sister attracts the same types of men? And your mom distrusts your taste so much that she "practically runs a credit check on any guy I date now"?? Wow, count me in! (This, my friends, is sarcasm)

8) If you tell me that you've gone on dates with rich guys and they're all boring, but the losers seem so much more interesting and fun at first, I'm going to wonder why you've recognized this pattern but haven't attempted to change it.

9) Your apartment has two doors that have been knocked off their hinges and three holes in the walls because you date the wrong guys? Man, wonder how you're gonna pay those charges when you move out (see aforementioned financial situation).

10) Don't tell me you just spent 4 hours on myspace. I'm a grown-up. That's juvenile.

11) If your myspace page is private and only your approved friends can view it, it's probably best to keep the reasons to yourself instead of telling me about the psycho stalker guy. My life is awesome -- I'd like to keep it for a while. Which usually means not dating girls who have jealous psycho stalker guys hanging around.

12) Please refrain from explaining to me how you like to work guys you're not interested in for free drinks. I understand you're broke, but it makes you sound manipulative and dishonest, which, surprisingly, are not traits I personally find desirable.

13) If you're busy being mommy 4 nights a week and you have a weekly event on the one night you can wrangle babysitting, you don't have time to date. I'm not giving up a weekend night for someone I don't know who may very well end up being an awful date (which is appearing more and more certain as this conversation goes on). You've got to earn those.

14) That story about how you went on vacation with your 4 year old and have pictures of the two of you taking shots together in a bar which is sooo cute b/c his shots were Sprite? Has Child Protective Services seen those?

15) And finally, (not because there's not more, but because 15 is probably enough for now) don't tell me that your son is the most important thing in the world when everything else you've told me about (see numbers 1-14) demonstrates that you're doing everything in your power NOT to set him up for success in life. I pity the girls he dates when he gets older.

Obviously, she shouldn't hold her breath for another call from me. Where do these people come from?


Unrelated Notes:

Got the picture thing fixed, and although my main pic is now the one I find the most unattractive, I still got winked at (albeit from a girl in Delaware) within 2 hours of posting it (oh, and she was pretty hot). Sent out three emails last night -- since this subject was discussed so thoroughly yesterday, I'll mention that one girl was "Slender," one was "Athletic and Toned" (but from her pictures appeared to actually be that way), and one was "About Average". They were all quite attractive, although in different ways. I'll keep you up to date.

Oh, and Kathryn is my new best friend. Thank you, gorgeous. I owe you tasty adult beverages.