Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Too Nice or Not Nice Enough?

Let's talk about the dreaded "Nice Guy Syndrome". This is something I've been fascinated with for quite a while, and I don't have the standard misogynistic "you have to be an asshole" take on the subject that seems to be plastered all over the internet.

You see, I am a nice guy, and I'm proud of it. I'm also pretty darn successful in the dating department. The keys to being both, my friends, are two things: self respect, and a genuine interest in getting to know what makes a girl unique. When you have both, and can incorporate them into your dating life, you magically become that "really great guy" that almost every single woman is looking for. Let's look at a couple common dating situations and how both of these gentlemen handle them.

Seeing a pretty girl:

The NiceGuy admires her from afar. He doesn't want to approach a stranger, because he doesn't want to offend her, and he's afraid of being percieved as his archnemesis The AssholePlayaGuy. So what does he do? If they have friends in common, he wrangles an introduction, fawns over her, and hopes she'll be impressed by his niceness. What she sees is a pathetic man who throws himself at her without having the guts to make a move, who knows little to nothing about who she really is, yet has already decided they're perfect for each other without giving her any reasons to believe that herself. If they don't have a mutual contact, he stares at her for extended periods of time, earning himself the title among her friends of "That Creepy Guy Who's Been Checking You Out All Night". In other words, no matter which course of action he takes, The NiceGuy is creepy, and doesn't get a date, although he does occasionally luck out with his female equivalent.

The GreatGuy, on the other hand, understands that not everyone is perfect for him, and has enough going on in his life that he doesn't need to date or hookup with someone who's not a good option. Because he thinks she's attractive and he wants to see if they'd be a good match, he has a genuine interest in learning what makes her different. The self-respect gives him perspective -- if she's not interested, it doesn't mean he's a bad guy. He may not be her type, she may be having a bad day, she may have a boyfriend, etc etc etc. On the other hand, he agrees with Hitch that "no woman wakes up saying 'God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!'" So he approaches, keeps it low pressure, starts a fun, casual conversation, and tries to learn enough about her to decide if he'd like a date. If he does, and she seems interested as well, he'll get her number and they'll make plans to see each other again. By being confident, fun, and discerning, he doesn't immediately demonstrate (as The NiceGuy does) that he's not good enough for her. He has something to offer and she usually wants to know more.

The First Date:

The NiceGuy shows up with flowers, tells her several times how gorgeous she is, and spends the date discussing his plans for their future. What he doesn't realize is that he's objectifying her just as much as if he came to use her for sex. He (still) knows virtually nothing about her. He doesn't really know if she deserves this kind of treatment, yet he's already decided he wants to be with her because she's a woman and because of her looks. He's sacrificing himself on the altar of her beauty. At the end of the date, if he managed to find his balls before he presented them to her on a silver platter, he goes in for a kiss, and most likely gets the infamous cheek turn. He goes home and beats himself up for "screwing it up" with such a great girl. He just doesn't get it.

The GreatGuy is polite, upbeat, and happy. He shows up on time, tells her she looks great (once, because he probably at one point in his life was The NiceGuy and knows better than to prostrate himself), opens doors, and picks up the tab. He spends the evening alternating between learning more about her and sharing information about himself, because he knows that if she's a great girl, she's interested in learning about him and still deciding if they're a good fit, too. Because he's still making up his mind, he hasn't put a lot of pressure on himself. Since he's not nervous, he flirts well, and the sparks probably fly. If he likes her, he's open to whatever may happen -- he'll definitely kiss her at some point because that's the best way to tell if she likes him too, and he's not going to think she's a slut if the chemistry explodes and they end up in bed together. He's not going to take it as a negative if they don't either, because different people have different speeds, and she may still be deciding. He's a great guy, so there's no doubt in his mind about what decision she'll come to in the end. As long as she kisses him back and he has a good time, he sees potential and will call for a second date.

I'd give more examples here, but sadly, this is usually where the story ends for The NiceGuy. For The GreatGuy, on the other hand, it's usually just the beginning, if he wants it to be.

No woman wants to date an asshole, and no asshole will be able to snare a great girl for the long term, because eventually she'll see him for what he is. They don't want a pussy either, though, and that is why the "nice guys" have a hard time. The really great guy, being a rare find and an awesome significant other, will have all the choice he ever wants with the right women, just as great girls have all the choice they want in men. And honestly, that's how it should be.

Just a little insight into my dating philosophy. Right? Wrong? I'd love to hear comments from the girls here (guys, feel free to chime in, too), but this is what has always worked for me.

11 comments:

KassyK said...

I think this is great post. Honestly...you do have it right. The Nice Guy syndrome and The Playa syndrome are two unfortunate manifestions of stereotypes that scare many women off men in general. (Cough-me-cough)

But The Great Guy is ideal. There are not that many of you guys but I'm telling you that once a quality girl finds a Great Guy...she holds on and understands the gift she has received in him.

Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Will you move to LA?

LMNt said...

Kassy -- I'm free next Friday... I like flowers, good kissers, and expensive gifts. ;-)

Oh, and let's see how many different blogs we can have concurrent conversations on. This is fun!

Anon -- I'd definitely consider it if you're rich, beautiful, know how to spoil a guy, and want a househusband. Deal?

KassyK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KassyK said...

Uh oh...is this internet flirting? ;) Love it!

Anonymous said...

Dude, having been the NiceGuy before, I know what you mean. One thing I think you overlook, though--when MrGreatGuy gets too hung up on a girl too soon. He just likes her too much and ends up acting like MrNiceGuy. Usually these are MrNiceGuys getting out of that phase, usually dating girls a little further out of their previous league.

Kathryn Is So Over said...

I know when I found a man who could make a move, had confidence, AND was totally solid and dependable and sweet, I jumped on him and played every card I could find.

SO happy with The GreatGuy.

LMNt said...

Kassy, darling, it just might be... I need something to blog about, you know?

Beam -- if he's acting like The NiceGuy, he IS The NiceGuy. He may be recovering, but The GreatGuy has faith in his awesomeness and knows the power of anticipation, both in and out of the bedroom.

Kathryn -- Glad you found him. Not glad you're dead.

DCVita said...

Just came across your blog, and I love it!

This is a great post and you are dead on! I actually started the whole online dating thing too (for the same reasons you have mentioned) and it is great to get a guy's perspective on it.

Unknown said...

Great post. The only thing I don't agree on is the kissing on the first date. Maybe it's just me, but I kinda get turned off by that. I'm a second date kisser. Everything else is perfectly accurate, though.

LMNt said...

dcvita -- Like I said, flowers, good kissers, and expensive gifts. I'm worth it.

mm -- honestly, I understand your trepidation here, but if the guy is right, you'll never hesitate to kiss him on the first date. And he won't think badly of you for it. Promise.