Too Nice or Not Nice Enough?

Let's talk about the dreaded "Nice Guy Syndrome". This is something I've been fascinated with for quite a while, and I don't have the standard misogynistic "you have to be an asshole" take on the subject that seems to be plastered all over the internet.

You see, I am a nice guy, and I'm proud of it. I'm also pretty darn successful in the dating department. The keys to being both, my friends, are two things: self respect, and a genuine interest in getting to know what makes a girl unique. When you have both, and can incorporate them into your dating life, you magically become that "really great guy" that almost every single woman is looking for. Let's look at a couple common dating situations and how both of these gentlemen handle them.

Seeing a pretty girl:

The NiceGuy admires her from afar. He doesn't want to approach a stranger, because he doesn't want to offend her, and he's afraid of being percieved as his archnemesis The AssholePlayaGuy. So what does he do? If they have friends in common, he wrangles an introduction, fawns over her, and hopes she'll be impressed by his niceness. What she sees is a pathetic man who throws himself at her without having the guts to make a move, who knows little to nothing about who she really is, yet has already decided they're perfect for each other without giving her any reasons to believe that herself. If they don't have a mutual contact, he stares at her for extended periods of time, earning himself the title among her friends of "That Creepy Guy Who's Been Checking You Out All Night". In other words, no matter which course of action he takes, The NiceGuy is creepy, and doesn't get a date, although he does occasionally luck out with his female equivalent.

The GreatGuy, on the other hand, understands that not everyone is perfect for him, and has enough going on in his life that he doesn't need to date or hookup with someone who's not a good option. Because he thinks she's attractive and he wants to see if they'd be a good match, he has a genuine interest in learning what makes her different. The self-respect gives him perspective -- if she's not interested, it doesn't mean he's a bad guy. He may not be her type, she may be having a bad day, she may have a boyfriend, etc etc etc. On the other hand, he agrees with Hitch that "no woman wakes up saying 'God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!'" So he approaches, keeps it low pressure, starts a fun, casual conversation, and tries to learn enough about her to decide if he'd like a date. If he does, and she seems interested as well, he'll get her number and they'll make plans to see each other again. By being confident, fun, and discerning, he doesn't immediately demonstrate (as The NiceGuy does) that he's not good enough for her. He has something to offer and she usually wants to know more.

The First Date:

The NiceGuy shows up with flowers, tells her several times how gorgeous she is, and spends the date discussing his plans for their future. What he doesn't realize is that he's objectifying her just as much as if he came to use her for sex. He (still) knows virtually nothing about her. He doesn't really know if she deserves this kind of treatment, yet he's already decided he wants to be with her because she's a woman and because of her looks. He's sacrificing himself on the altar of her beauty. At the end of the date, if he managed to find his balls before he presented them to her on a silver platter, he goes in for a kiss, and most likely gets the infamous cheek turn. He goes home and beats himself up for "screwing it up" with such a great girl. He just doesn't get it.

The GreatGuy is polite, upbeat, and happy. He shows up on time, tells her she looks great (once, because he probably at one point in his life was The NiceGuy and knows better than to prostrate himself), opens doors, and picks up the tab. He spends the evening alternating between learning more about her and sharing information about himself, because he knows that if she's a great girl, she's interested in learning about him and still deciding if they're a good fit, too. Because he's still making up his mind, he hasn't put a lot of pressure on himself. Since he's not nervous, he flirts well, and the sparks probably fly. If he likes her, he's open to whatever may happen -- he'll definitely kiss her at some point because that's the best way to tell if she likes him too, and he's not going to think she's a slut if the chemistry explodes and they end up in bed together. He's not going to take it as a negative if they don't either, because different people have different speeds, and she may still be deciding. He's a great guy, so there's no doubt in his mind about what decision she'll come to in the end. As long as she kisses him back and he has a good time, he sees potential and will call for a second date.

I'd give more examples here, but sadly, this is usually where the story ends for The NiceGuy. For The GreatGuy, on the other hand, it's usually just the beginning, if he wants it to be.

No woman wants to date an asshole, and no asshole will be able to snare a great girl for the long term, because eventually she'll see him for what he is. They don't want a pussy either, though, and that is why the "nice guys" have a hard time. The really great guy, being a rare find and an awesome significant other, will have all the choice he ever wants with the right women, just as great girls have all the choice they want in men. And honestly, that's how it should be.

Just a little insight into my dating philosophy. Right? Wrong? I'd love to hear comments from the girls here (guys, feel free to chime in, too), but this is what has always worked for me.