A Word or Two on Honesty (Eye Candy Alert for the Ladies)
Ok, so as I've mentioned, I go to the gym three times a week. I'm in pretty decent shape -- not like an underwear model or anything, but I'm 5'10" and 160 lbs. I have about 13% body fat, which means I'm built a good deal like this guy:
I don't have abs; I have a little, tiny, only-visible-with-my-shirt-off-and-women-tell-me-it's-adorable mini-gut. With a shirt on, I look pretty much exactly like the guy in the picture. I don't consider that to be "Athletic and Toned," but more like "About Average". When I think "Athletic and Toned," I think RIPPED. Nice abs, big pecs... pretty darn muscular. Something like this nice gentleman:
That's not me. Keeping the physique I have now is enough of a challenge with my schedule that it probably won't ever be. So I have myself listed as "About Average" in online dating world. In the part where I specify who I'm looking for, I've listed "Slender," "About Average," "A Few Extra Pounds," "Athletic and Toned," or "Curvy" to all be acceptable sizes for me (and by "Curvy" I generally mean multiple curves -- a standard womanly figure, not what is sometimes referred to as a "BBW," which is quite often "Big," but rarely "Beautiful" when used as self-description).
The problem lies in how "Athletic and Toned" seems to be interpreted by women online. Apparently in internetland, it can be used to describe anything from this:
to this:
And since it apparently can mean anything from "a sandwich? What's that? Never heard of it" to "I looked at a treadmill once and I think I've figured out how it works" to them, of course the only acceptable option for a potential partner is "Athletic and Toned". This means that yours truly, honest guy that I am, won't come up in any of their searches, when I'd probably be quite acceptable (and maybe even hot) to most of them.
Here's what I think is missing: realism and realistic expectations. "Athletic and Toned" for a woman is something like Kim Lyons, the trainer from The Biggest Loser:
As a woman, if you're not in that kind of shape, but you work out on a regular basis, you probably fall under "Slender," "Curvy," or "About Average". And that's fine -- you can be totally gorgeous and fit into those categories. But be honest about it.
In other news, it's probably not a good idea to limit your options only to one category in a significant other. Some of the men you're looking for may be equally honest. At the same time, if you're the "I did a pushup two months ago and those beer lifts I do every couple of days are a great workout for my biceps" type of "Athletic and Toned," maybe it's not in the cards for you to expect a man who practically lives in the gym and is built like Arnold in his prime to want to date you. I'm not trying to insult anyone here, but realistic expectations can make a world of difference in one's dating life.
Can anyone give me a female perspective here?
In other news...
I'm pretty grumpy right now at my online dating service of choice. You see, I've uploaded somewhere north of ten pictures with them. They're all pretty clear pictures, show my face, and look pretty good. That said, NOT A SINGLE ONE has been approved as a main profile picture somehow. They can all be used in my profile as extra pics, though. I really don't understand why, because they're good quality, good size, and good looking, so I'm very frustrated. GRRRRR!!!
10 comments:
13% bodyfat? I'm 10.7% and I put "about average" because I'm not a roid head, and that's what I think "althetic and toned" means for guys.
But, yeah, when did curvy start meaning fat?
I'm all abotu appropriate expectations. that's why i tell peopel to decribe their body as Average. Every other word conjures up various images, few of them ever accurate.
But, yeah, when did curvy start meaning fat?
When it became the "norm" for women to be less than a size 0.
I'm a size 0-2, but am a healthy thin (no ribs showing) and I love to eat. But I'm not very tall, and I guess that's what makes the difference.
Ninja -- agreed. Why do all the women want that?
S&M -- looks like we're on the same page.
Silence -- Wow, a size 0 is absolutely NOT the norm. My most recent ex was 5'8" and a size 8 or 10, depending on brand, cut, etc, and she was stunning. Like supermodel stunning. Height makes a huge difference, though, because sizes are simply measured around and not up. A size 12 at 4'11" is very different from a size 12 at 6 feet.
What we mean by "curvy = fat" are the people who are seriously over a healthy weight by a long shot, but seem to consider that "curvy" when what they mean is "I have one large round curve." "Round" may be a shape, but it's NOT "in shape".
Oh, and size 0 or 2??? Eat a sandwich. =oP
Repeat, I love to eat. I have a high metabolism and for some reason cannot gain weight. I'm sure it'll catch up to me when I turn 30.
Quite possibly -- I was the same way until I hit 25 or so. Now if I even eat a fraction of the crappy food I used to, I'll see it on the scale in a big way the next day... I'm healthy by vanity and necessity, not necessarily for the sake of just being healthy.
I was talking to a dude online and he got scared cause I said I was average. Many of the women he met said athletic and toned and were big and here I am saying average. I’m not slender but I’m not fat and I have a bust. He said he was pleasantly surprised since I was more what he expected in them and vice versa.
Curvy could mean busty to some or fat to others so I stick with average or rather I did. I won’t do the online thing anymore. Too scary!
I would just like to quote a new favorite of mine to explain that curvy became fat when "2 became the new 4, 0 became the new 2 and 6 is now the new 14." Agreed, let's have a decent sense of ourselves and what's normal instead of polar extremes of anorexia and obesity. I generally consider myself slender as I'm 5'2" and about 120 which works out to 24% body fat (remember that normal body fat ranges for women are between 18-24%). So I go to the gym maybe a couple times a week and think to myself that it would be good to lose a few pounds, but certainly don't want anyone I'm dating to tell me such things. I was a size 0-- prepuberty, and am rather happy about my slightly "curvier" shape. The idea of curvy has never been what it really should be. Evidence the song "I like big butts" reference to a woman with measurements of 36",24", 36" only if she's 5'3", well that was me when I was a size 0 (and I by no means then or now have a big butt). What you really need are good, full-body pictures of your potential date, and there's got to be a lot of brutal honesty in that.
I marked "curvy" once and a guy I met chided me--telling me I wasn't fat and that I should mark "average." When I was online, I tried to have one full-body pic--that way the guy can judge for himself if he likes the way I look. I'm not interested in misrepresenting myself--or discussing my weight!
I usually put average and let the pics stand on their own. The rest of the descriptions tend to be limiting, and, as you mentioned, can cause searching issues. I don't enter anything in that field for the guys, because I have no idea how they would classify themselves, and it tends not to matter to me much anyway.
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