The Oldest and Strangest Emotion...

In my circle of friends, I'm the therapist. I'm the one everyone comes to when they need advice. I like to think it's because I give good advice and know how to handle almost any situation, but what I think it really boils down to is simple -- I tell people to notice their fears and then ignore them and do what they really want anyway.

Almost every problem people seem to have is based in fear. They're afraid to be alone, afraid to get to close to someone (thereby giving that person the power hurt them), afraid of messing things up with someone they're attracted to.

Guys will have a million reasons why they didn't talk to that pretty girl or didn't make a move on that date. Girls say they really wanted to hook up with that guy but didn't think he'd respect them afterwards. In reality, the thing that's keeping them both from what they want is fear of rejection.

I have a serial monogamist friend who's been single for a little over four months now. She's subconciously picking all the wrong guys because she misses her ex and is afraid there's no one else like him out there. She's keeps dating them even after they've proven they're idiots because she's afraid to be alone, but the fact that they never make her happy reinforces what she wants to believe -- that she can't get a great guy except for the one she had. If she found the perfect man, she'd find some excuse not to date him because doing so would contradict her views of herself, views on guys, and views on dating in general. She's afraid to change her beliefs, and afraid to let go of the past.

I have another friend who dated an absolutely amazing man for almost two years. Prior to him, she was a 90-days-and-out dater... I'm sure you know a few of them. By the time she'd dated someone for three months, she'd have found something wrong with him and ended things. She's so afraid of choosing the wrong person, she makes bad decisions in the other direction. From all outside perspectives (and all she told me), she and Mr. Perfect had the ideal relationship. She ditched him at about the 3 month mark, too, but they stayed friends, and in time she realized she'd made a mistake -- that he was really a great guy who made her very happy. Luckily enough, he was single, so they got back together and things went well for a couple of years. But when he started talking about moving in together, she got scared again and convinced herself he wasn't the one. He'd had enough and they didn't do the friends thing again this time around. She moved on almost immediately to another really great guy who she'd been friends with for about a year. Surprisingly enough, he was gone by the time 90 days rolled around. At this point, I was tired of giving advice to someone who was too afraid to take it and I slowly pulled back from the friendship, but last I heard, she's sworn off men and dating and is living the party-all-the-time life. But she's thrown away men who most women would kill to date, and passed on several opportunities for the kind of romantic happiness most of us truly desire. Again, she's missing out on the right things because of fear.

A third friend is recently out of college, in a job she dislikes, and unhappy with her roommates. She's extremely dissatisfied with the big picture of her life right now, doesn't feel she's made enough progress since graduation, and is afraid she'll never be where she wants to be. My thoughts when she asked? Get a new job, find a better place to live, and start moving things in the right direction. She's afraid to fail, and afraid she already has. It's too scary and too much work to think of life as an ongoing project that can be improved. She decided over Christmas to leave all her friends behind and move back home to her parents' house halfway across the country. Somehow I don't think losing her whole support network to rely on her parents will make her any happier with her accomplishments in life. I honestly think it will make things worse once the nostalgia for home wears off. She'll be farther behind where she wants to be. She's leaving behind a boy she really likes, who truly cares about her, and in the period between the decision and the move, she's being very cold towards him, probably to ease her guilt about the whole thing. But she's scared of the real world, so much so that she'd rather go back to sheltered home life than be a part of it.

Fear. All of them. And in listening to their fear and letting it control their decisions, every single one of them has made (or is making) themselves unhappier and worsened the quality of their lives.

That's no way to live. I could go on and on with examples of people I've known over the course of my life who have acted on fears and only hurt themselves and others. We've all got fears -- god knows I've got plenty. And I don't believe in completely disregarding them. I think fear is a great reminder to be cautious in certain areas or indicator of the need to change how we approach certain things. But how much better would the world be if we all took note of our fears, gave them the consideration they deserve, and then moved forward as if we weren't afraid of anything? If we all simply did the things that would improve our lives?

I remember when I started handling myself this way, and I'm much happier in every single area of my life since. Thoughts?