Let's Talk About Sex, Bay-bee
*** Auction Update ***
Ok girls, the site for the NotGirls Charity Auction is up. Wanna see what I look like? Check it out here. I'm counting on all my sexy internet girlfriends out there to help me make a respectable showing, so start planning your strategy now. The auction runs from Thursday through Saturday. As I mentioned before, I'll go anywhere in the greater DC area for this, so if you're on the other end of the world, bid anyway. I'm worth it. ;-)
Now on to the real post for the day.
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I don't get it.
I guess you don't know what you're missing if you've never experienced it, but marrying someone you've never had sex with sounds to me like a huge gamble. While it's not the most important factor in a relationship, sexual compatibility is definitely way up there on the list. I couldn't imagine committing to a life of sex with only one person when I don't have the slightest clue yet if we're compatible. What happens if they're awful? Can you really spend the next 50 or so years trying to teach someone how to get better?
Fortunately, it appears that the vast majority of Americans agree with me.
I understand that people have different timelines, and everyone looks at sex differently. Some of my best relationships have started passionately, others have taken time to work up to it, and I'm cool either way. That said, I don't think it's possible to have a deep enough relationship to consider spending the rest of your life with someone if you haven't delved into the sexual side of things. And while I'm willing to wait a reasonable amount of time if I think the girl is right, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't be able to date someone seriously if we weren't involved on a physical level.
(I don't want to get all political on you and talk about abstinence-only sex education, but for those who are wondering, I'm vehemently against it. I believe that young people need facts, not propaganda, to make good decisions about sex, and it's pretty well documented that these programs don't work. In fact, people who have been taught abstinence only are more likely to get pregnant or contract diseases than those who have been given all the facts and encouraged to make good decisions.)
I guess I just feel it's unnatural. Animals don't get to know each other for a few years before they decide to make a commitment, get married, and then mate. They mate because that's what their instincts tell them to do. Much like ours. The desire to have sexual relations with other human beings is programmed into our dna, and if we didn't have it (or enough people decided not to act on it), humans would quickly go the way of the do-do bird. Ever heard of the Shakers? They were a religious community, loosely based on protestant beliefs, who made excellent furniture and believed in complete and total celibacy. Interestingly enough, they pretty much died out. I believe right now, there are 4 left, out of what was once several thousand. Interesting lack of foresight on their founders' part.
I'll say it again -- I just don't get it. Is it really feasible to date and/or marry someone without having sex and have the type of relationship that will happily last forever? Can anyone explain this to me?
17 comments:
i agree in that i think the phsyical part of a relationship is ridiculously important. so how anyone can commit to marraige without a test drive is foreign to me as well. do you know if they've done *anything* though? or just strictly holding hands and kissing? b/c if it's the former, then that's a little bit better, i would think.
something that's interesting to me in the whole premarital sex thing i found on a catholic dating website. i joined catholicmatch.com very briefly when i was going through a bunch of sites to see what was out there (although i'm nowhere close to a devout catholic). they ask you 7 questions about whether or not you accept the church's teaching on abortion, no women clergy, papal infallibility, etc etc etc. they also ask if you accept the church's teaching on premarital sex as in don't do it.
a vast majority of men's profiles i looked at said they did accept the church's teaching. i thought this was fascinating. i wondered if ALLLLL those men were virgins. common sense tells me that was doubtful. so why are they all saying they accepted the church's teaching?
i also thought it was funny how most men accepted all 7 of the church's teachings. whereas my profile said i accepted 2 of the 7. i pretty quickly got outta dodge.
anyway...i just thought that was a thing that made me go hmmmm.
oh, and as for the auction - it feels slightly dirty to be bidding on a date with you. but don't worry, i won't let that stop me. ;-)
Carrie -- something tells me that most of them may believe all 7 on paper, but not when the skin meets in the real world...
call me old fashioned, i guess - if you don't believe it in the real world, then don't put it in your profile! b/c 'god' will trust your profile? then again, i don't think i'm going to hell b/c of my beliefs in premarital sex or my non-attendance to church either. i'm just crazy like that.
God I had this roommate in college who was dating this born again...and they didn't do ANYTHING. They barely even held hands. Sometimes he would stay over and he would sleep on the FLOOR. I don't even think they really kissed with any more gusto than you kiss your grandma.
The funny part is, before she started dating him, she was a crazy kinky girl. Having sex in lakes and the like.
I just didn't get it...it's one thing I guess if you've never experienced it or had it...but she had it and then had it taken away!
lmntal - why are you all the way out in ashburn? does that put a damper on the dating life? just saying that if you moved in to dc (or at least closer) i would totes want to set you up with some of my girlfriends.
Carrie M -- I will never understand the extremely religious. It's just not something I'm capable of.
Asian Mistress -- I think I'd die without kissing. Seriously, I'd die.
Etcetera -- 3 reasons:
1) My job's out this way
2) I like to drive (or metro)
and 3) I really like the rent I pay for my ginormous house and private jacuzzi bathtub ;-)
Actually, it's not nearly as much of a problem as you'd think... the last few girls I dated on any kind of regular basis all lived in the city, and a couple didn't even have cars. It seems to work out.
let me play devil's advocate here and say this: if neither of them has ever even had sex, how would they know if it's good or not? they might just think that is how it's supposed to be if it's all they know, you know? a shame, yes, but still a plausible possibility.
ps i have now heard of two people, in their 20s, who have not even KISSED anyone and will not UNTIL THE WEDDING DAY. um, no fun.
gotta try it before you buy it! it just makes sense!
PS- I am so bidding on you. Plus, you're by far the cutest one on there! :-)
yeah, living in Ashburn doesn't put a damper on it- all of the hot girls live here :-)
One of the (older) women I work with is a devout Catholic- as is her family. In fact, her sister is in her 60's, and since she's never been married, she's still a virgin. I can't even imagine that. But, I guess it's true- if you've never had sex, you have no idea what you're missing. Too bad for those suckers.
What about the people who marry their first partner, only to find out like 20 years later, when they divorce, that they are awful in bed and they were missing out for YEARS! How awful.
PS You are totally cute! I would definitely bid on you ;)
I agree...I do not think abstaining is the way to have a smarter sex life. In what other areas of our lives are we encouraged to abstain from, or not try something in order for it to yield higher, more quality results? Investing? Our careers?
No. We are all encouraged to learn as much as we can, try out as many things as we possibly can in order to make the best, most sound decisions. With sex, the best research is to have sex, right?? I suppose to each her own, but I couldn't date and DEFinitely not marry a man with whom I had never kissed or had sex. It's part of the magic of a new relationship and honestly, I think it is a significant component of the glue that holds most good relationships together. If you marry someone and that chemistry is not there, you have already handicapped your relationship...and that's sad.
RD -- As previously mentioned, no kisssing = LMNt dies. Fo real, yo.
DCWeddingPhotog -- Bid away... can't say that I'd mind if you win. ;-)
Ash -- The hot taken girls live here. I gotta go farther to find the single ones.
Nicole D -- 20 years of bad sex and not knowing any better? Scariest idea ever. And move to DC already, dammit.
Ryane -- EXACTLY. You said it much better than I could, but I'm new... still learning this whole "blogging" thing.
I strongly believe in testing the merchandise before you buy. I would have to know what I was in for before I got married. The concept of no sex before marriage makes absolutely no sense to me. I just don't get it.
I might bid on you just so we can discuss this at dinner. Because I truly disagree with you! Doesn't that sound like a fun dinner? :)
How much money am I willing to spend to torture you like this...hmm...
HarleyBlue -- Exactly. How else do you know what you're getting into?
TheViewFromDupont -- I think you should. I'm the man.
Kristin -- Go for it. I think you'll find me to be a charming guy who's well educated in such matters and loves a good debate. You'll probably have a lot more fun than you're expecting to. :-)
This post reminded me of a article that I read in Glamour about purity balls. A summary from the article, "It’s like a wedding but with a twist: Young women exchange rings, take vows and enjoy a first dance…with their dads. “Purity balls” are the next big thing in the save-it-till-marriage movement." Too crazy for me.
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