Weight For It...
Q: What do all of these women have in common?
A: Chances are pretty good that when they look in the mirror, they all see this one:
and it makes them feel like this:
Now, I'm a guy. I never had to deal with growing up female in our society. I've never had the "oh, you're so skinny -- you look great! I wish I could be as skinny as you are" conversation that happens so often between two microscopically tiny women, and I haven't experienced the peer pressure that comes with watching all my friends eat a celery stick and 2 almonds for lunch. Nor have I ever avoided buying pants that fit because the tag said "6" and I could have sworn my ass was a 4. So as much as I try to put myself in y'all's shoes, I've honestly never been there. I don't know how it is.
That said, having spent my whole life on this side of the gender aisle, I can definitely tell you how it all looks to us -- most of you girls are crazy. Seriously. I'm convinced that the vast majority of women around here are more than a little bit dysmorphic.
There's been quite a bit of talk on this topic circling the blogosphere lately. I think it has something to do with being bathing suit season again. But I seriously think a lot of you need to get your eyes checked. If you do that, they're fine or your prescription is correct, and you still see that fat girl in the mirror? Then it's time to get your head checked out.
Case in point: A very good friend of mine is about 5'10". She weighs about 130, so she looks like Paris Hilton on a skinny day. Yet she worries every time she eats something and spends an hour in the gym every single day. Every day. Doesn't even take Sundays off. If she were to ask my opinion, I'd tell her to gain 20lbs or so, as would pretty much anyone she knows. But she thinks she needs to lose weight, and is trying as hard as she can to do so.
Now, she knows she has a tendency to see herself as being bigger than she is. It's a problem she's had in the past. So she doesn't ever weigh herself. She judges based on how well her clothes fit. Which is normally a good idea -- I'm a big proponent of the mirror and the clothes instead of the scale as measuring tools. That said, this particular case is a little different. 'Cause like I mentioned before, she's built like Paris Hilton, which means she's making these judgements based on a size that's ridiculously small for her height. It's extremely frustrating to see and hear how upset she is about her weight and how hard she's trying to change it when in my head I'm thinking "please for the love of god gain a few." With another fifteen or twenty pounds, she'd have pretty much exactly the body of the girl in the red bikini above.
'Cause really? As guys, that's what we want to see. The two girls in the middle are not only beautiful, but absolutely perfect. And normal, but that's what we want. Y'all are so busy shooting for "skinny" that you're missing the real point, which is "healthy." And it kills me that I have no idea how to help change these attitudes. Don't get me wrong, Roseanne Barr is not attractive. But neither is Nicole Ritchie.
So what can we as individuals do to help change the goals to "healthy" instead of skinny? How can we change things so that the women of tomorrow will see reality in the mirror instead of a distorted image? If anyone has any ideas (or you can maybe explain to me why it's so hard to see reality in a way that I can understand it), I'd love to hear from you. As, I'm sure, would every other frustrated and confused guy who reads this. Thanks.
P.S. -- If you're new here (thanks, Wonkette!), we're glad to see you. Kick your shoes off and stay a while. You can check out the archives at the bottom right, or read my favorites up at the top. And definitely throw your voice into the comments ring if you've got something to say. The more, the merrier.
25 comments:
Dude- While I agree with you that women are far too harsh to criticize themselves and their bodies, and I often try to share that with the girls I date, I'm not really sure you can get away with this blog post.
Women don't accept their guys telling them how great they look very well. They're determined to compare themselves to what they see around them, and unfortunately society continues to set that bar uncomfortably thin.
As guys, all we can do is be quietly supportive, give compliments just more often than is necessary, and make them feel special.
Otherwise we end up with blog posts like this, that skirt the line of putting in a little too much effort to show the "average" (attractive) women of the world how great we think they are, in the hope they'll appreciate us a little bit more than we've been appreciated lately.
I think, as a woman, and one who posted about this recently, that this post is pretty accurate. But there's soo much societal pressure to be skinny - too skinny. Open any fashion magazine. The "healthy" models they're using now? Still really skinny. I don't know that there's anything you can actually do, as it doesn't really matter how many times you tell a woman she's skinny enough/too skinny. It's nice to hear, but if you don't believe it for yourself, unfortunately, you just don't believe it.
There's a difference, too, between being conditioned to want to look like a supermodel, and genuinely not seeing reality when you look in the mirror. I think both are equally dangerous, because they can lead to desperation and frustration.
And I think patience, honesty, and supportiveness from any and all sources is the best medicine anyone's come up with so far.
Dude, this post is right on. For all the "objectification" arguments you want to make about what we're doing at The Laminated List Fantasy Draft, it's been a repeated theme from all 10 contributors (even part-time) that the No. 1 thing we think when we see skinny is: "EAT SOMETHING! For the love of God - here's five bucks, buy a burger."
Personal issues aside, would anyone in their right mind take current, skinny Lindsay Lohan over the healthy one in Mean Girls? Hot is hot, but hot and healthy? That's a winner.
PS The "you" in the second sentence is a generic "anyone" not an accusatory "you, LMNT."
PRSlave -- Dude, that's twice now you've insinuated the same thing. You're more than welcome to think everything I write here is to get laid, but as I said before, I'm seeing someone. That means I already get laid and I'm not interested in finding it elsewhere.
The overwhelming majority of the feedback I get about this blog is that people read it because they like the male perspective I give here. That's what I do, and I do it on a wide variety of subjects. If that's not your bag or you honestly believe it's all about ulterior motives? Well, it's a big internet, and I'm sure you can find a blog more to your taste elsewhere.
Lisa -- I'm sure you know a lot better than I do. It's just totally frustrating when a girl can't seem to see how great she looks and I can't seem to help the situation.
Dagny -- Patience, honesty, and support. Check. How 'bout compliments?
BB -- Damn straight. The healthy and wholesome version of Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls is my dream woman. Version 2.0? Not so much. Yuck.
ohmygoodness, prslave, you are so right. I'm like completely ripping my pants off right now and running to lmnt. I mean, I just can't help it. there's just something about the things he has to say that suddenly make me want to rget naked (or put on lingerie), drive up to dc and lock him in a room and have my way with him.
all because of what he posts here.
or. or. or.
grow up, dude. and stop pointing that finger. because when you point it, any good buckle-o'-the-bible-belt-'er knows that you've got three fingers pointing back at you.
moving on.
i completely agree. i mean, i wrote one of the posts to which you refer. i'm also a bit alarmed 'cause I'm 5'6" and I weigh the same as the girl in your tale.
know what's awful though? my motivation for not trying to lose weight, even though I couldn't lose much without being *unhealthy* is that I don't want to lose my boobs. so does that put me in the same category for a different reason?
we are moving in the right direction though--y'all hear about the models who couldn't go on the runway unless they had a "healthy" BMI? it was a little while ago, but I thought that was at least *something* positive.
oh any, pardon my being snarky ;)
In some ways, I agree with PRSlaveDC. Many of the women I know aren't worried about their looks as far as impressing men. They're worried about trying to impress other women, maybe colleagues, or even their own friends.
Where I work is like a damn fashion show, even though it shouldn't matter. The women are catty, try to out do one another, and they're not worried about what the men think. They're worried about what the women are saying about their clothes or weight in the breakroom.
It was definitely good for me to read this. As a woman, I can get caught up in the "I'm so fat" mentality. For the most part I'm good. I know I need to lose weight, and I'm working towards that, but I'm doing it in a healthy way. I have a fantastic personality, have a great smile, and know how to have a good time. I know that there's more to me than looks, but I also know that looks are important. I'm a confident person, and working out definitely increases my confidence. Regardless, it's always nice to be reminded that there are guys who find me beautiful just the way I am.
:-)
I get -- and appreciate -- the sentiment, but a bit is lost when you go ahead and point out two photos as "absolutely perfect," when many women might not see themselves in those images and find themselves feeling worse off after reading this. Not that every guy is looking for perfect,but you undo quite a bit of your good intentions in your closing.
I've recently blogged on weight and self-image issues at http://blogs.marinij.com/katwilder/2007/04/body_and_self.html, and at http://blogher.org/node/19155, where I got into a bit of a pickle on the "fat/lifestyle" issue. Yikes!
I agree, many women get angry when their lovers comment on their weight, whether heavy or thin. Tough one.
Your friend, however, may be suffering from anorexia, and that is a real problem and one not fixed easily (certainly not one that will go away if you say how great she looks). It's an illness, a serious one, too, and it's lifelong, as it will tend to be the default when she's stressed, etc.
It's not just the media, either, although women are constantly bombarded. But the worst offender is this: My girlfriends wonder why their teenaged daughters stress about how they look .. and then they'll say to me, "I've been trying to lose five pounds. Nothing fits anymore ..." (not to mention the ones who've gotten Botoxed and a few nips and tucks) and, gee ... I just can't understand why their daughters are getting so weird about their weight ...
I think that another part of the problem is the very same media that posts photos one day of Brittney (or any of that ilk)looking healthy and buff--with flashy headlines to match--and then the next day, they are Crucifying her for being the very same thing--healthy and normal,only suddenly that is no longer hot or perfect. It's almost an impossible issue to get a handle on, but LMNT, I think your thoughts are well voiced, naysayers notwithstanding.
I blogged about this recently, too. Of course, I'm older than the general demographic of the readership of this blog, so I'm coming at it from a slightly different perspective.
Still, I'm sticking with Wanda Sykes -- I'd fuck me.
WARNING: shameless blog promotion ahead:
Naked in front of the mirror
a second opinion
The first pic you have on there is not real.
I guess I agree with you on this. Health should be a goal, which is why everyone should focus on working out and eating right. People also need to stop comparing themselves to celebrities and other people and take into consideration their own body type. There are Paris Hiltons (thin and long), Jessica Biels (athletic), Salma Hayek (curvy) and others. Doing lines of coke and eating celery sticks will make you skinny, but your body will still be soft and gross.
The thing I hate the most are the skinny people haters. Some people are just naturally thin (like myself) and are pegged anorexic/bulemic/whatever by their peers. I hate, hate, hate it when someone tells me I need to gain weight. I eat a lot, hoebags. Mind your business.
Oh yeah. Here we go. 1933 said it dead on. You say that you don't think women should subscribe to a body type and then go right on ahead and said what is "perfect". Um, talk in circles much.
And if "healthy" is your idea of perfect, what if Roseanne AND Paris are healthy. Because I know women in both the "fat" and "thin" categories that are perfectly healthy on the inside.
So instead of being progressive you just perpetuate the myths and the realities and in the process contradict yourself. But then again you just got a lot of attention from the Broads which is all you ever want anyway...(so why the HELL am I commenting).
All of this makes a lot of sense, as you tend to do.
But I have to ask - who is this good friend? I'm hurt you haven't told me... I thought we were close.
*sniff*
Foxy -- I think you're safe. You honestly shouldn't have any motivation to lose weight, as you well know. You're healthy and normal.
Anon -- Stories like that make me glad I'm a man. Sheesh.
Beth -- Glad I could help.
1933 -- I was trying to use examples of normal and healthy. I didn't think about it that way, and you have a good point.
Kat -- Actually, I think she suffers from dysmorphic disorder. It's a little different, but the same end result.
And I agree with you completely about parental examples.
Ryane -- I think they're crucifying her for being batshit crazy and a not-so-great mother, but they definitely idolize the wrong people from health perspectives.
SWF41 -- I read'em both the other day. You've got good perspective. Now just stop looking for flaws. ;-)
MM -- I wouldn't call you anorexic. Granted, you're on the smaller side, but that normal and healthy thing is a range, it's not just one size. You're in it.
RBM -- Actually, I don't think Roseanne or Paris (or anyone who could double for them) are healthy. The female body needs a certain amount of fat to function properly, normally about 15 or 20 percent, depending on whose reference you use. Paris is pretty clearly under that number.The "normal" range goes from there to about 30%. Above that, your body builds excess visceral fat internally, around your interior organs, which puts your risk for many serious conditions through the roof. This is why waist size is currently the method we have to determine how healthy someone is. Roseanne is well above that 30%. My point here is that your friends may not be as healthy on the inside as you think they are.
Oh, and you're a tool.
Pookie -- No comment, but word on the street says you may know her. :-P
bones are hot. i don't know what you're talking about.
you can never be too skinny or too rich.
hahaha gen
Gen -- Hey now, you know how that sarcasm makes me all hot and bothered. ;-)
MM -- I concur.
LMN ... referring to what RBM said, you may be wrong about that. A recent study (um, please, someone help me with the html stuff) at http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=117&art_id=nw20070510134549585C867938
proves you wrong.
Actualy, a remember a big stink about this a few years ago, when a heavy but fit woman, a la this article, was booted out of teaching exercise classes because she didn't fit "the model." I think she sued (natch). She may have won.
Funny thing is, the most comments I've ever gotten was when I blogged about weight and cheating. So, from here on in, I'm talkin' about nothing but overweight cheaters ...
Um, make that "Actually, I remember..."
I hate when my fingers are faster than my brain!
The mentality is conditioned in starting at a young age. Boy and girl peers can be quite harsh with their words; some of the unlucky kids have parents that add fuel to fire.
It also depends on your heritage and which country you grew up in. I'm Asian and the healthy weight for 5'4" girls is 100lbs. Healthy isn't in quotation marks because that's how much 80% of 5'4" girls from my country of origin weigh. Btw, 90lbs is skinny, 110lbs is chubby, and anything above that is overweight according to this standard. Strangely though, no one in America seems to notice my chubbiness.
Telling a girl you like her "healthy" is akin to telling a girl she's not pretty/gorgeous/hot/beautiful, but you're attracted to her anyway. It's the ultimate putdown. Umm, how about this, it's like complimenting a guy on his "size" when both of you know that he's not that big.
Anyway, talking-wise I don't think there's anything you can do about it.
I'm a tool? HA HA HA. Well since you aren't either Paris' or Rosanne's MEDICAL DOCTOR then I don't think YOU are qualified to say if either is healthy. In fact my mother is obese by weight standards but all her other health issues are tip top. She's got better cholesterol levels than me and I'm 110 lbs. So fuck off!
who said i was being sarcastic? you have no idea how stoked i am on being tiny and skinny these days. :D
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