Don't Look Now, But...

Ok, I think that came out a little more extreme than I meant it to. I'm not super-depressed, I'm not out on the prowl for a wife, I'm not in a negative place right now, and I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination, desperate. On the other hand, one of my major goals in life at the moment is to find a good, solid, happy relationship. One that has the potential down the road to evolve into something serious. And at certain landmarks in time, so to speak, it's pretty normal (and important) to examine your goals and your progress towards them. Yesterday, being my one year break-up-iversary, was a good time for that.

To be honest, I don't have many regrets about my dating life this year. There's been a couple I think could have evolved into something truly amazing if we'd let them, but when things like that don't pan out, it's usually for good reason. I've had some great times and enjoyed life, been a lot more social than I was before, and I'm much happier than I was a year ago. I just don't feel a whole lot closer to where I want to be from a romantic standpoint.

Now onto the meat of what I want to talk about today. SWF41 and Rie mentioned the old cliche that love comes when you're not looking for it. I agree and disagree with that sentiment all at the same time. Let me explain.

See, first of all, it depends what you mean by looking. If you're chasing an idealistic concept, more concerned with the status than the actual person involved, and not ready to deal with reality, you're doomed to failure. This leads to things like pressuring people to move faster than they're ready for, embarking on insta-relationships, and getting too involved or invested before you really know the person you're dealing with. In other words, desperate never works. And if that's how you define "looking for it," I'm right with you 110%.

That said, I believe in being open and creating opportunities. Getting to know new people whenever you have the opportunity, no matter what context you're doing it under -- friends, dates, somewhere in between, whatever. Women, for the most part, can do that by living their normal social lives, because women are usually more receptive in dating than they are pursuit-oriented. A relatively attractive woman will meet a decent number of new men pretty regularly, provided they put themselves in environments where there are men they don't know around. Guys who find them attractive will initiate conversations and so on and so forth.

For guys, on the other hand, it's a little different. Women don't usually approach strange men, no matter how attractive they find them. That means that a guy who's not willing to do a little bit of work won't meet enough new women to sustain a healthy dating life. The guy who doesn't do any looking at all is the one who ends up sitting at home playing video games and hasn't had a date in 4 years. That's not who I want to be. I believe in the numbers game. The more interesting women I meet, the better the chances that one of them will be someone I could have a pretty good relationship with down the road. That also leads to a larger social circle and more friends, which in turn leads to more new people to meet and a happier, more socially rewarding life in general.

So I create opportunities. For example, if you've been to a blogger happy hour, it's pretty likely that I've come up to you and said "I don't think I know you yet. I'm [insert real first name here]," and started a conversation. I've met a lot of great friends that way, and some of those friends have introduced me to other friends. It's just like professional networking. There are lots of ways to do this.

Once a guy creates opportunities, he has to act on them when they present themselves. If I meet a girl who I find attractive, I will pretty much always set up some one-on-one time with her (if she's amenable to it), just to get to know her a little more. If there's already heavy duty flirting, I'll call it a date. If not, I'll keep it undefined. Either way, I'm open to whatever results from it. I could make a cool new friend, I could have a few great dates, I could end up very involved with that person, or we could just have a few drinks and stay acquaintances. A few of my closest friends now (hi guys! You know who you are) started out that way, and more than a couple of the girls on that list yesterday did, too.

So I'm not necessarily looking, but I'm open to possibility. It's been working well in the quantity department, and I've steadily gotten better in the quality one over time. Is that really considered "looking for it?" If it is, then I'd rather look. If not, I'm happy with the current way of doing things.

What do you think?