No Rules, Just Right
As you may have noticed, I haven't written anything deep and emotional for a while here, mostly because I haven't been feeling very deep or emotional myself lately. I'm still not in that mode, but I read something so great that I'm throwing it out here anyway. Those of you that read the blog for your sappy romantic guy fix? Today's your day.
If you don't already know him, Gene Weingarten is a humor writer for the Washington Post. I don't read him regularly, but I have several friends who do, and one of them pointed me to his regular Tuesday online chat today. Why? Because it's on a topic I'm fairly familiar with: age differences in dating.
I've always believed that age is just a number and maturity is what really matters. While age and maturity tend to follow similar trends, there are lots of people out there that don't fit the norm in such departments. I've dated women who ranged from seven years my junior to fifteen years older than me, and I count myself lucky to have interacted with every single one of them (ok, not every one, but we've all had a few unpleasant dates/relationships/whatever, right?). This topic ties in pretty well with my "no rules" approach to dating, which has opened me up to wonderful opportunities I would otherwise have missed.
So anyway, Mr Weingarten took a poll on what people think of couples with significant age differences, and the results were overwhelmingly cynical. As someone who's been there, I'm not so much so. One commenter had a great response:
Rebuttal to the Poll Results: I am a woman in my mid-20s. I am dating a man in his late-40s.
With very few exceptions, I never had much luck dating guys my own age. There aren't many with whom I share a lot of interests; how close you live to the bar is not the kind of detail that's likely to make me swoon and drop my pants. I don't want to stereotype all young guys here, but this has largely been my own experience.
My boyfriend isn't wealthy; you couldn't call me an opportunist. I'm intelligent and independent; you couldn't call him a chauvinist. So why am I in this situation when I could date someone who makes so much more "sense?" Well; how can you ask anyone why they're in love? He's intelligent and kind and funny. I admire and respect how he lives his life and treats the lives around him. I connect deeply to the way he experiences places and moments and music; the world. And beyond all the characteristics that someone could argue I might find in someone else, there is that quality, elusive to words, that transcends the "why." It just is.
One thing it's not is easy. Just look at the poll results. Others will always assume they know your story before they've heard a word. They'll willingly identify the limits of your relationship for you: clearly, you can't get married! And even if you did... well, surely you don't intend to have children, right? Look at that couple -- clearly they're deluded. Clearly they're using each other. Cynicism is always the quickest and easiest response.
I have known plenty of people -- friends and family -- who have made practical, logical choices against their true feelings and visceral instincts, and deeply regretted it. I have seen people I love live in relationships that made them somewhat satisfied at best and considerably unhappy at worst.
I've watched people live vibrant, beautiful, healthy lives well into their eighties and nineties. I've seen others die of illnesses in their thirties and forties, when their paths should just be starting to unfold.
If you told me right now that I had five years left to live, and asked me who I wanted to spend them with, there would be no doubt in my mind how to answer. Shouldn't that be the truth you live by? Anything can happen to anyone, at any time. I'd rather have five, ten, fifteen wonderful years than a long lifetime of vague discontent, or -- worse -- regret. It's true, I would never have pictured myself here before I met this person. I have no idea what will happen. It's not ideal, not by any stretch of the imagination. It's not perfect. But I do not apologize for it. Love happens. It happens randomly, in ways both remarkable and remarkably inconvenient. Love happens in shades of gray, and only those in it can truly understand its depth and navigate its complexities.
The fine poet Mary Oliver wrote: "you only have to let the soft animal of your body/love what it loves." These are not simple words to live by, but I think they are the key to living well.
Even if this relationship ended tomorrow, I would at least walk away knowing better than to ever cast a cold glance at anyone who dares to be happy living the life they choose, whatever that means, however far it may be outside the realm of what is commonly accepted and condoned. Some people might call it a mistake to continue an inherently complicated relationship across a distance of so many years. I think the mistake would be to let anyone else's willingness to judge me -- or him, or us -- impact the life I choose to live, who I live it with, or how happy I might be, for who knows how long.
I have nothing to add to this -- she said it all.
Preview of Next Season:
I've got a ton of topics to talk about in the queue, so stay tuned -- good things are coming. Special thanks to SW in NC for the article... I promise you'll see it discussed here soon.
Other News:
Jerry Falwell died today. I'm reminded of a Bette Davis quote: "My mother always said to speak good of the dead. Joan Crawford is dead. Good."
8 comments:
I think the writer you quoted wrote a great comment. But I still think, all things considered, it's a bad idea.
I'm 41, and I don't care how "mature" a 20-something is, he's still a mature 20-something. You don't mature into life experience, you only live it and earn it.
I know it's done. I know people who swear it works for them. Whatever. Me, I'm not buying it.
(Just my two knuts. I don't need the ton of emails about how so-and-so has been happily married for 30 years to someone 40 years younger. Exceptions just prove the rule.)
Like you I've gone much older and much younger and I think what I've come away with is that there are million other things that wil fuck it all up WAY before age becomes an issue....
I've only dated one guy older than I am, and he was the least mature of them all :) He was really cute, I had lower standards back then....
I love what this woman wrote because it's clearly not self-justification. It's just her truth.
There was a woman who on the Diane Rehm show that aired on V-day this year who married someone who was I think 30 years younger than her (which is kind of alot!). Not sure how long they'd been together, but apparently it was working out, regardless of the age difference. I think that both Diane and her guest were surprised.
It was kind of an interesting show, to say the least. But then, the majority of Diane's shows are pretty interesting, aren't they?
FYI- I hate that Outback "No rules. Just Right" slogan. It seems like they've had it since the dawn of time. Blech. They need to hire some new marketing people. Fast.
I think when you look at it, and strip the acutal "age" issue out of it, age isn't really the issue.
It's funny that this post comes now - I visited a girlfriend last night (a serial dater), and her new boyfriend was 23! She's 28, and at first, I was like "what the....?" He was super sweet, but really immature. But then as I thought about it, I thought, well, hell, "serial dater" is immature too.. They'll be perfect for each other! Or, I met a guy once. MUCH older than I am - (we're talking 15+ difference), and nice as he was, he was just really immature.. had always dipped his toes in the river of life, but had never actually jumped in. He was all talk, no action. You'd THINK the problem with someone that much older would be that they didn't want kids, blah blah blah. But not with this guy.
The whole "age is just a number" thing sometimes rings true, as corny as it sounds. You can't judge a person by a number. How can you possibly tell what life experiences and such a person has been through, just from their age? I mean, of COURSE many younger people might not be suited for older people, and many older people might not be suited for a younger person,
But who cares? Go with what works. If you have something in common, and have a connection, why not enjoy it?
Age is just a number. I used to be bothered with a significant age difference, now I can start to see why some women are attracted to older men. They possess this sexy vibe of maturity and experience. I'm talking 40s, max though. I'm not checking out any granpas. I've never heard of a gilf.
Haha, I love that quote.
I know a gilf. Of course, he had kids young, and so did his kids. We dated for awhile. It was super laid-back and fun. He couldn't bring himself to tell his family about me, though, which was kind of the end of it for me.
Age really is mostly in your head. My friends are mostly 15+ years older than me, and that's the crowd I'm comfortable with. On the other hand, I want kids, and few guys that age are interested, so I keep trying to find that 'right one' in my own age group...
Post a Comment