Good Nookie Is Hard To Come By...

...or maybe it's not, but it sure as hell is a lot harder to find than it should be.

I've been dating again for about a year now, and I've noticed a disturbing trend when it comes to bedroom abilities. In general, people aren't that great at such things. And honestly? I'm pretty surprised, because I think it's almost harder not to be good at it than it is to rock your partner's world.

See, I'm a man. And as such, having a stellar sex life is pretty up there on the priority list. Definitely not the most important thing, but it's pretty key to continuing positive interactions with a significant other. I'm not a big one night stand kinda guy, although I will neither confirm nor deny any rumors of friends with bennies or recurring occasional hookup situations in my past. I tend to think that if someone's worth inviting into my bed once, they're worth repeat performances. But sometimes? It can be tough. While I'm a great coach (very important -- we're all different and like different subtleties, right?), I'm not a big fan of trying to teach others things that should already intrinsically be there.

'Cause being a great lover is pretty simple (disclaimer: if I'm exceptionally drunk or equally hungover, I make no guarantees until it's happened enough to be on the same wavelength already. Likewise, I don't usually assume a drunken or hungover experiences are representative of what a woman is like. Some moments we're just not physically up to mind-blowing, passionate monkeylove). It really only takes 4 things. In order of importance, a great naked olympics partner should be:

1) Enthusiastic
2) Observant
3) (somewhat) Experimental, and
4) Talented.

Let's break it down.

Enthusiastic -- Seriously? You gotta want to be there. If you're not into it, your partner won't be either. 'Cause nobody wants to feel like they're only worth making a half-hearted effort for (see above note about drunkenness and hangovers -- the one exception, and even then, only occasionally). If you're into it and it shows, on the other hand, everybody's gonna enjoy themselves, no matter what else happens. You can't have passionate encounters without the "passionate," right? This is by far the most important factor.

Observant -- In the moment, every single one of us gives off subtle and not-so-subtle clues as to what we're enjoying, what we're really digging, and what's not-so-much our thing. 'Cause, well... we're all different, and while there are some things that are generally universal due to similar anatomical equipment, we all like them slightly differently. If you pay attention to this, you can easily give your partner exactly what he or she wants and create one of the most memorable trysts they've ever had. And if you're both tuned in? Man, watch out. Life will be so good you want nothing more than to spend all day every day locked in the bedroom. In fact, just thinking about an observant lover makes me want to get the hell out of here and hunt one down. Wow.

(slightly) Experimental -- Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying "ok, break out the spiked collar, paddle, and nipple clamps, then jump on the anal sex expressway" here. I mean, if that's your thing, go for it -- with the right partner, sometimes we're suprised to find out how much kinkier we are than we ever thought we'd be, but it's definitely not a necessity. I guess a better word for what I'm trying to say here would be "exploratory." Don't just go right for the girl- or boy- parts. Explore your partner's body. Work your way around. Make it your mission to find new erogenous zones your partner never knew existed. Everything from the back of the ankle to the inside of the elbow to the lower back and beyond can be highly erotic. Learn what makes them tick sexually. A light touch or soft kiss here and there can make a world of difference. We're whole people, not just support systems for sex organs, and the brain (cliche alert!) is the most powerful sex organ we've got. If you light up every inch of their skin (while being observant as described above), you can put their brain into overdrive. This obviously works best if you're not rushed for time, but the information you get here can totally be put to use again when you are, cause you know what drives them crazy.

Talented -- One common mistake people make is thinking that their signature moves are all it takes to blow somebody away. In reality? Not so much. This is more like the added bonus. It's absolutely not necessary for retardedly good sex. That said, once you've got the other three points down, it can certainly be the kicker that blows everything through the roof. Those 5 years of Cosmo back issues you've got in the closet? Here's where you test them out. Get a good tip from a friend? See how it works. Crazy positions you've heard/read good things about? Definitely worth a try. Again, no one trick is going to work on everybody, but there's no better feeling than surprising your lover with something that drives them crazy, especially when they had no idea it was coming. Unless it's the feeling of being the one who's surprised with something you've never felt before and loving it. If you want to add some spice to your sex life, a few new tricks is a good way to do it, granted y'all already have the basics down. Being unique will definitely bring people back to you for things they can't get anywhere else.


So that's my take on how great sex happens. If you've got all four of these things down, and the other party involved does too, you're practically guaranteed mind-blowing passion every time you use them. And interestingly enough? You do them well, and you'll be surprised how often you get calls from people in your past wondering what you're up to and if you want to "catch up." Nothing says "great in bed" like partners who want to come back for more, right? Whether or not you choose to take them up on it.

If you've got something to add, I'd love to hear it. This is one area where one can never learn too much.