Do Men Want a Relationship?

So it's no big secret that I like craigslist. It's a great place to get just about anything you need or want (except maybe a significant other). Also? If you feel the need to just get something off your chest (and you don't have a blog to do it on), the rants and raves section is wonderful. It's also a good place to find some entertainment ('cause some of these people are nutjobs) and see how much worse things could be for you.

Anyway, this morning a major topic there was "Do Men Want A Relationship?" It really got the wheels turning for me, because there's definitely an answer, but it's complicated.

First off, there is a significant population of guys out there who want nothing more than a relationship. Any relationship. With any girl. This is the stereotypical "nice guy," the poor fool who serves up his testicles (and self-respect) on a silver platter the very moment a pretty (or not-so-much-so) girl smiles the right way in his direction. He's that needy, desperate bastard who doesn't give her any time to herself, is jealous of her friends or other dates, gives inappropriate gifts, and makes a girl feel so suffocated that he's out of the picture before he ever really got into it in the first place.

I'm assuming that's not what y'all are talking about.

On the other end of the spectrum, we've got the misogynistic, arrogant, woman-hating player who wants to sleep with anything he can, but has such a low opinion of the female species (usually resulting from past hurts when he was a "nice guy") that he doesn't see any value in a true emotional connection with one. He can be quite attractive at first, but he uses and abuses women, and if you fall for him, you'll never get your relationship and you'll definitely get hurt. It's his twisted, subconcious way of paying back the female species for the damage they've done to him. He's overcompensating by swinging too far in the other direction.

Again, I'm guessing this isn't what you want, either.

Then there's the third type. He's strong, self-assured, and confident. He's going places in life, but he likes to stop and smell the roses along the way. He has his own outside interests and social life that have nothing to do with dating, and he's probably fairly protective of them. This guy truly values women, enjoys their company, and wants to get to know what's unique about each one he interacts with. He's funny, flirty, and a blast to be with. He thinks that every single one of you is special in your own way, and he wants to learn about yours. He's thoughtful, but not pushy, would make an excellent boyfriend, and is probably pretty damn talented on a physical level, too.

Does this guy want a relationship? Well, the honest answer is "yes, but."

But...

...he wants one, he doesn't need it. He places a high value on good relationships, and is perfectly content to keep dating and getting to know different women until he finds that. It has to be with the right woman, and it has to be at the right time.

The right woman is also confident and self assured. And she, too, wants one. She's quite happy without it, but places the same value in the good relationships he does and knows how it will enhance her life to be in one. She's proud of who she is and knows she's a damn good catch, too. She may joke about her awesomeness cause that's fun, but she doesn't brag because she knows that if a guy's got any sense, he'll recognize it for himself and appreciate her that much more because he came to it on his own. She doesn't have any hangups with herself or the world around her. She may not be a supermodel, but is reasonably attractive -- she keeps herself in good shape and does the best she can with what she's been given. She's funny, witty, optimistic, and exceptionally smart. Honestly, she's a lot like him. This woman realizes how great he is and treats him accordingly, cause he'll be out the door if he's not appreciated. The closer she is to his ideal, the higher his tolerance is, especially in the early stages when things are uncertain, but either one of them will lose the other in a heartbeat if they start taking things for granted and stop treating their partner as a gift they're blessed to recieve.

The right time is the second vital ingredient. I'm not talking about timing in your life, because the smart ones understand good things come when you least expect them, life will never be perfectly settled, and you take action when you have opportunities. They don't miss these opportunities. I mean the timing between the two of them in this particular interaction. Because neither needs a relationship and is quite happy without one, they take their time to get into anything too serious. The right guy doesn't want to be rushed, and likes to really get to know someone before he jumps into a committed relationship. He'd rather wait until they're so addicted to each other that they can't stand not being in a relationship with each other than pull the trigger too early and start something that ends badly. He may get physically and emotionally involved, but he still keeps a bit of himself separate until the time is right. He doesn't push for commitment, and will run if the other person does. When he's ready, he'll bring it up casually and see how she responds, and if she's not ready yet, he'll wait for her to bring it up later when she is. His focus is on enjoying each other's company and the getting-to-know-you process over the end results. He stays in the moment and worries about the future when it comes around.

If you've been wondering if men really want relationships, it's pretty likely that you're not yet the right woman. She doesn't wonder -- she simply enjoys the company of the gentlemen she meets and trusts that she'll end up in a relationship with the right one when he comes along and they both know it's right. Until then, she dates people to see if they're right for her and to have fun. If you're not there yet, don't worry -- you can get there.

And if you really are the right woman? Well, you already know all this stuff.