POW!!! Right in the Kisser!

Ok, so a friend and I have been having a lot of conversations lately about kissing and kissing skill. As I've mentioned before, I'm a huge fan, and I've been known to describe myself as a kissoholic. And, based on the feedback I've received and the wide range of kissing I've experienced, I think I'm a qualified expert on the subject.

What makes a good kisser? I think it has a lot to do with style. Most people have their own style, likes, and dislikes, and really exceptional kissers are the couples for whom the styles and preferences match. That said, there are quite a few things that can make one a bad kisser, and that's what I'm here to talk about today. The big faux pas. Here's my list, and feel free to add your favorites in the comments.

The Slobber -- Ok, obviously this isn't a completely clean and dry experience if you're doing it right. That said, if I need a towel when we're done, it's a little much. Try to keep most of your spit in your mouth. Or even in mine. Just not so much all over my face like I just played with a puppy. Ok? Thanks.

The Rapid Dipper -- The tongue thing is an intricate dance. An exchange, almost like a handshake for your tongues, if you will. Under no circumstances should you rapid-fire your tongue into and out of my mouth like you're playing a video game and trying to hit the buttons as fast as possible. That's just weird, and it makes it plainly obvious that you just don't get it. Slow down and let the "handshake" happen.

The O-Face -- Open mouth, insert tongue, leave mouth open, don't let jaw move... I'm sure y'all have experienced this one before. Not cool. Ever seen a romantic movie? Notice people's mouths actually move when they kiss? Try that, it just might work for you. Cause the not closing thing? Not working for me.

The StiffArm -- Ok, I meant stiff tounge, but the name's cooler when I say arm. Even rough kissing should be soft where your mouths meet. Soft. Seriously. Almost like you're melting together in the face. When you stick your tongue into my mouth all rigid like that, I feel like you're digging for something or giving me some sort of exam. I repeat, think soft. It'll help. A lot.

The Nun -- You know, you're right. Tongue really is overrated and overused in this world. That said, you're erring too far on the other side. Open your mouth a little and let your tongue play. It won't hurt, and you won't catch anything you wouldn't have caught with the chaste kisses, but if you kiss me like you kiss your little brother, I'm gonna assume you feel the same way about me as you do him. And I'm not going to enjoy the kissing so much.

The Swirlee -- I'm really not sure where people got this idea, but I've met more than one girl who thinks kissing goes "open mouth, insert tongue, swirl it in a circle around your partner's tongue as if you were twiddling your thumbs." Not so much a fan of that. Slow down and let me catch you.

The Tongue Sucker -- Ok, this one deserves a caveat. Yes, at certain times, every once in a while, it can be really hot. But very rarely. It should only be broken out once or twice during a seriously hot foreplay session. If this is the only way you know how to kiss? Not good. I don't even think it so much is a kiss, technically.

The UFC Champ -- Yes, I really really like it when you suck and/or nibble on my lower lip like that. Seriously awesome. But when you bite it so hard I'm still feeling your teeth the next day? Ummm... that's a bit violent for me unless we're really going all out on the rough sex kick. You, much like the StiffArm, should think soft. Gentle. Melting. Got it? Much better.

The FaceLicker -- Again, suitable very rarely for certain types of foreplay, but in general? Kind of weird and lots of gross. No thank you.

The Hoover -- Please don't try to inhale my face. It's not a pleasant sensation. Really, if you'd like to be sucking on something, I've got better options for you. It shouldn't be a part of kissing most of the time. Especially at the high pressure you're using. A little gentle sucking now and then goes a long way. More than that just goes too far.

This has been a pubic (ok, more like facial) service announcement from your friendly neighborhood romance blogger. Need more help than this? Well, if you're cute enough, I can possibly arrange some private lessons. You know where to reach me. ;-)



P.S. -- Oh, and? Today? My 50th post. Yay!

Karma

It will bite you on the ass.

Check this out.

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Apparently, I'm It

As much as I usually try to dodge this kind of thing, I try to be a good sport. Lisa over at Lemon Gloria tagged me the other day, and since she's a pretty cool chick, here it comes. Apparently I need to tell you 7 strange things about me. The catch? One of them's not exactly (or even partially) true. Ready? Great, here we go:

1) Once in college, I both streaked the Exorcist stairs and mooned the moon rocks at the Air and Space museum as part of a photo scavenger hunt.

2) I sleepwalk. Sometimes I wake up in the garage in my car, but as far as I know, I've never actually started the engine and driven away.

3) I read extremely fast, and will usually devour at least one novel from start to finish on any given weekend.

4) I have 2 supertoes (at least that's why my friends call them). In other words, the second toe on both of my feet is longer than my big toe.

5) I'll eat just about any food you put in front of me. Previous examples of this include rattlesnake, alligator, and buffalo.

6) I've illegally smuggled cheese internationally, and it was hidden so well that even the customs dogs couldn't smell it when they walked within a foot of my suitcase.

7) In Jr High, I took shooting lessons. The rifle range we practiced on was inside the fence on the grounds of a federal penitentiary. They kept the guns in locked cabinets at the range. Yes, inside the federal penitentiary. Genius.

So those are my fun facts. If you want to try to figure out which one isn't true, take a stab at it. I'll give the answer in the comments section in a couple of days. I think this is the part where I'm supposed to tag a few other people, but I don't want to single anyone out. Consider this an open invitation to be tagged and fill it out if you want to. Just let me know I tagged you. :-)

Ask LMNt -- February 23, 2007

A Little Jealous writes:

Hi,

My boyfriend's awful flirty with other girls when we go out. Is this a problem? I'm feeling a little jealous, and I don't know if I should be worried or not.

LMNT says:

Well, you haven't exactly given me a lot of information here, but I'll take a swing at it anyway. It seems like you're asking me if this is your problem and you shouldn't have a problem with it, or if it's his problem and you shouldn't trust him. And the short answer? That depends.

First of all, you should talk to him. Admit you're feeling a little jealous, and that you're not quite sure why. One conversation could resolve the whole thing if you leave it feeling more secure in his feelings for you.

Has your boyfriend given you any reason not to trust him? I'm a pretty outgoing guy, and I tend to flirt a lot, but when I'm with someone, I'm with them and there are no thoughts in my head about hooking up with someone else. If he's like me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about, and I'd suggest making friends yourself while you're out. He may be talking to some pretty interesting people you'd get along with quite well.

On the other hand, obviously not every guy views relationships in quite the same way as I do, and it's possible he's looking for a hookup on the side or maybe even the next girlfriend. Like I mentioned, you really haven't told me enough to be able to tell, so I'll just tell you what to look out for. Has he become more distant lately or made any significant changes to his lifestyle? Is he ever a little shady? Is he unavailable or hard to get a hold of at times when he shouldn't be? Does he make a lot of new female friends and hang out with them one-on-one? Is he very touchy-feely with the people he flirts with?

My first thought is that it's probably no big deal and he's just a friendly guy, but if you see red flags or warning signs, it could be different. Keep an eye out, and be smart -- don't be blinded by how you feel about him. On the other hand, don't go on a witch hunt if you have no reason to suspect anything other than he's just outgoing. There's nothing worse than dating someone who doesn't trust you but should, and that drives people away. If you're secure in yourself and you pay attention, this should all work out.


That's it for this week, folks. Don't forget to send your questions in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com. I'll keep an eye out for'em.

She's as Cold as Ice

Ever have one of those moments where you say something in conversation that surprises you with how dead-on it is? Where you go "man, I need to remember that"? I had such a moment last night on the phone with a friend, and from it, we created the "iceberg" concept, which I'm sure will soon become a major part of my dating vocabulary.

You see, when you go on a few dates with someone and you're just starting to get to know them, as we all know, you're seeing one side of their personality. It takes a good amount of time to really know somebody. And when you're thinking things like "would this be a good match," or "wow, we have really similar perspectives on that," you know you're getting these vibes based on those initial impressions. You don't really know enough to figure these things out for sure. That makes me very hesitant to make definitative statements. I tell my friends (or think) things along the lines of "she really strikes me as..." or "she seems like x, y, or z."

So we came up with the iceberg idea.

New people are like icebergs -- you just see a little, and the major stuff is hiding below the surface. I really like this analogy, and I'm running with it.

So from now on, there will be no more "seems like" from me. People will simply hear "yeah, she's got a great iceberg." Fun.


Other News:

New dating blog link over on the sidebar. Check out the girls at Smart and Single. They're fun.

Flowers Suck

Ok, so Valentine's day was last week, and after a few conversations with female friends, apparently something needs to be reiterated for the men of the world.

Don't buy flowers for girls you barely know. And by "flowers," I mean "flower deliveries, jewelry, vacations, or any other expensive or romantic gifts," but I'm just gonna use "flowers" from here on out to encompass all of that stuff.

Seriously, they should make a law. You don't buy things for someone you've known and/or dated for less than, say, three months or so. Granted, guys who truly understand these things can break the rules, and three months is kind of an arbitrary timeframe that doesn't alway apply, but if we make it three months firm, the men who don't get it won't screw things up this way anymore.

You see, the problem is the motivation involved. You should do romantic things or give a woman a gift because you want to make her feel special. You want to make her smile. No other reason. If you do these things because you want her to think you are special because you're the type of guy who does them, you're going about it all wrong and she's gonna see right through it. Would you pay a girl to have sex with you? If not, why in the world would you try to buy her affection with gifts? It's pretty much the same thing. If a woman doesn't already think you're a special guy, it won't mean anything to her. In fact, it will come of as you treat every girl this way, there's nothing special about her, and you're desperate.

Bottom line: Earn a woman's affection and high regard for you first. Recognize her uniqueness, and let her see yours. Once you've done that, you can send all the flowers you want.


Other News:

Yes, I know, I've been slacking off. Work and outside-work-life have been extremely busy lately and it's been hard to find time (or inspiration) to write here. I think I'm back on track now, so keep reading.

What About Love?

Hi, my name is LMNt, and I'm an addict.

I love strong, independent women. Like really, really love them. They're my weakness. When I meet one, I can't stop thinking about her. I want to make her smile all the time. I want her to not be able to stop thinking about me, too. I want to open up to her, tell her all my secrets, learn hers, and build something together.

This is a problem.

Why? Well, the Washington Post hit it on the head yesterday. If you haven't read the article, go read it. It's important, it's dead on, and it's one of the biggest problems I see in our world today as far as dating and relationships go.

Finished reading? Great, let's move on.

So how does that relate to my addiction to strong, independent women? They're the most likely to feel this way. That love is a pain in the ass, and being dependent on someone, even a little bit, is a terrible situation to get into. Usually for this kind of woman, her romantic life is the last item on her list of priorities. They become terminally unavailable -- not because they don't want to be available, but because everything else is more important than dating, and there's always something that takes precedence. It's just not on the radar.

You see, we all know that co-dependence is bad. We've seen (and dated) terrible examples of needy people that completely drive the ones they love away, and it really is awful. But maybe we've taken our avoidance of neediness too far? When I look back at my dating life as a whole, people being too independent has been a much bigger and more common problem than people who are too dependent. There's almost nothing worse than meeting someone, really hitting it off, and spending the next month trying to find time to get together and hang out again. I can't begin to count the number of truly amazing women I've missed out on simply because I just got tired of trying to work myself into their schedule and gave up.

When did love lose its lustre? If it's not a goal we have, something we desire, we'll never make it enough of a priority to actually happen. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to lose my identity to anyone, but I don't think that a little bit of depending on someone is bad. I want to be there for a partner. I want to be the one she calls when she's feeling down and needs a pick-me-up. I want to be a shoulder to cry on and an outside source of strength when she needs it, and I want her to do the same for me. A good relationship creates an ally against the troubles of the outside world, someone who's always there to back you up and help you when you need it. The thing is, to get that, we have to give up just a little of our independence. We have to open up to the possibility of relying on someone and realize that no one can always be completely self-sufficient, and we need to make finding real love a priority in our lives. The end result is more than worth a little extra effort.

We've all been hurt, and it's an awful feeling. It's enough to make one very cautious about who they open up to. But I've met a lot of people lately (not necessarily in dating situations) who've decided that being hurt is not worth it anymore, and who've closed themselves off completely to the idea of new relationships. Sure, they'll hook up -- we all need a little booty now and then -- but when the opportunity arises for something truly special, they pass. Sometimes they blow the person off, sometimes they just say they're not interested, and sometimes they self-sabatoge, but the end result is the same. It doesn't work out, and reinforces their view that love is for suckers. Well, it's not. And I'm willing to stand up and announce that to the world.

Love is not for suckers. I want to find it, dammit, and I think everyone should. Let's start a revolution and break the damn cycle. Let's wake up each morning and ask ourselves: What can I do today to open myself up to love?

Well? What can you do today?

Dueling Views on V-Day

So tomorrow's Valentine's Day. I don't really have too much to say on the subject, but I've been reading a lot of blogging about it lately. The way single people look at it in particular is really fascinating. Here are my top two V-Day related blog posts:

RCR has an interesting perspective, and I really like the way this girl thinks.

Which side of the fence do you fall on?

Goodnight, Girl

This is Penny. My good friend Megan got her when she was a puppy. Today was her 16th birthday, and they had to put her down this morning. She was a very sweet girl, and she'll be missed. Her Mommy, Mommy's boyfriend David, and her sister Janis (a 7 yr old cairn terrier) will be ok, I'm sure, but they're having a rough time right now. I wish there was something I can say, but there really aren't words that can ease the pain of losing a dog.

If anyone has an mp3 of "A Grassy Field" from the musical Bark, do me a favor and email it to me. Megan's dying to have it, and her cd appears to be scratched.

Ask LMNt Friday -- February 9, 2007

Happy Friday, everybody. No female advisor this week -- this question is definitely just looking for the male opinion. If you have a question you'd like to see answered here, send it in to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com.

First Move writes:

In the context of online dating, and using match.com as an example, is it okay for a girl to take the initiative to wink at a guy? Is this perceived by guys as being too forward or aggressive? In my normal dating life, I have always found the best relationships, be them short- or long-term, started by the guy doing the chasing. When I was younger, the couple of times when I tried chasing, it did not turn out well. What do you think? Do the same rules apply for online dating?

LMNt says:

Ok, as I mentioned yesterday, I think you're on the right track about letting the guy do the pursuing. We're hunters. We like the chase, and we like to win your affection. That said, we don't like to chase when we have no idea whether it's warranted or not. The best interactions I've had involve a little bit of chasing and a little bit of encouragement. It's a give and take. You've got to let a guy know you're open to being chased, and if he slows down, give him just enough of a signal to spur him on. In this day and age, as I-66 commented yesterday, we're so hammered with the "He's Not That Into You" idea, that we're a lot quicker to give up and move on, especially if we've got other options, as most of the best guys do.

In a bar, it's easy to do let him know you want him to pursue. You catch his eye, flash a coy smile, and he's got a green light. On the internet, it's a little different. You can't make eye contact, and he can't see your reactions when he looks at you. Not to mention, there are so many people online that most guys make a list. There are such a huge amount of attractive people to choose from, we pick a few almost at random and start there. We'll send a few emails, see what happens, and then move to the next few in the list if nothing pans out. Guys may be so focused on what they're working on now that they don't notice other girls or don't check out other profiles, so he may not have even seen you.

I think the wink is the perfect solution for a girl. It says the same thing as the eye contact/coy smile in the real world -- "I noticed you and liked what I saw, now come get me." You're basically throwing the ball into his court. Once you've done that, it's his opportunity to start the chase. I've had some really great relationships (short and long term) that started with a wink from her. In fact, those are usually the best ones.

So yes, absolutely send winks. If he hasn't noticed you, you can be sure he will once it shows up in his inbox, and if you're on his list, a sign that you're interested will move you to the top of it. Don't expect a response from every guy you wink at, though. There are lots of reasons he may not respond. He could be getting more serious with a girl he's met recently, but not yet at the point of being exclusive, he could have too many dates to fit another one in, or you may not be his type. Online dating is a numbers thing. If you show a little bit of interest, though, your numbers will get higher, as will your chances of finding what you're looking for.

That's it for this week, folks. Have a great weekend and I'll see y'all on Monday.

What Do Guys Really Want?

That was the title of a Google ad in my mail today. Since a lot of my communication from this blog revolves around dating and questions about guys, Gmail seems to think I'm a woman. Reading the ads is like a sneak peek into the other team's tactics.

I've gotten a lot of questions about what guys want, and I've read a lot of blogs that seem to wonder, so let me lay it all out for you here. Got a guy you like? Show him you're this girl and he'll be hooked forever.

- A GreatWoman is passionate about something. It doesn't matter what. Do you volunteer for a cause? Do you have a hobby that makes your eyes light up when you discuss it? Are you a writer, musician, or other creative type? If there's something that you devote your time to that you either 1) really believe in, or 2) seriously invest in emotionally, you've won big points.

- A GreatWoman knows her value. She's special, and she knows it. Not arrogant or full of herself, but she understands that she's a great catch and is proud of who she is. She probably turns down a lot more guys than she accepts, but values a guy who's as great as she is.

- A GreatWoman has a life. She's got a good group of friends who are also GreatWomen and GreatGuys. She doesn't sit at home alone on a Saturday night when she doesn't want to, but she's secure enough to stay in when she does want to without feeling like a loser. The key here is that the guy she's interested in isn't the only thing she's got going on.

- A GreatWoman makes time for the right people. Like I said above, she's busy, but she will make time for a guy she likes. She doesn't play the "I'm too busy" game, she just is busy. She'll set aside time to hang out with someone deserving instead of letting things fizzle because she knows he will make her life even better than it already is.

- A GreatWoman lets a man pursue, but with encouragement. Guys like the chase. We like to woo a girl and win her over. She'll let him. She won't be coy, though -- the GreatWoman expresses her interest, because she knows if a GreatGuy invests too much without much reciprocation, he'll move on. He's usually not hard up for dates, either. She'll lay back just enough for him to make the effort, but she'll eagerly return the ball that's in her court. And if he seems to be backing off, she'll show a little more interest to make sure he's not reading the wrong signals. She wants to be pursued, but also wants to be caught, so she won't make it too terribly difficult.

- A GreatWoman lets him be a man. We all know you're fully capable of killing spiders, assembling furniture, and reaching things on high shelves. That's a good thing. But we like to do these things for you, because it makes us feel like we're taking good care of you. I've heard y'all like it, too, so when we're around, ask for help. We'll both just pretend you can't open that jar by yourself. ;-)

- A GreatWoman flirts well. Banter is important -- it keeps things fun and keeps that sexual tension in play. A girl that can take a little teasing and give it right back to him will have better relationships and get more enjoyment out of them. Been together for 2 years? Great. Don't stop flirting. Chances are it's a big part of why you've gotten that far.

- A GreatWoman is highly sexual. She doesn't have arbitrary rules or guilt issues. She's a great kisser who truly enjoys all things physical. She has a high libido and skills in the bedroom, and expects no less from her partner.

- A GreatWoman is not afraid to be vulnerable. She doesn't rush into commitment, but won't hesistate to make one when the time is right. She understands that everyone has flaws, and those flaws are part of what makes her unique. She doesn't hide them. The right guy will find them endearing. And if he doesn't, he's not the right guy.

- A GreatWoman is expressive. Once she's comitted to the right man, she makes sure he knows why. She encourages him in everything he does, and reminds him often of how crazy she is about him. She expects the same in return.

This is just about every guy's fantasy woman. It also leaves a lot of room for her individuality to shine -- no two GreatWomen are the same. If this is who you are, you'll never be at a loss for dates and you'll never be lonely. Make sense?

Going Below the Surface

When you first meet someone new, the possibilities are endless. This person could be anything to you -- an interesting conversation, a new friends, a lover, occasional hookup, a few dates, a girlfriend or boyfriend... anything you can imagine. The less you know them, the more potential roles they can have in your life.

Some people jump right in, pursuing that person for the role they hope he or she will fill. I think that's a big reason so many relationships start out quickly and burn out in much the same manner. They usually find at some point that the reality doesn't compare to the fantasy person. Real people have flaws, and they may have been better suited to a different role. I find it works much better for me to focus on having more dates and feeling things out than it does to focus on what you think you may want from them in the future.

A great first date (or a great few first dates) is a wonderful thing. I really love the way it feels to meet someone you click with, but it shouldn't be the end of the screening process. It takes more time to truly figure out if you're compatible with somone and if so, what type of relationship will be right for the two of you. You need more information than you can gather in a few hours or a few days.

The "we like each other, what now?" stage is a really fascinating and exciting time, but it's also a great opportunity to see what a person's all about. Do they pay too much attention to you? Too little? How considerate are they? Do they immediately integrate you into their life or take a more cautious approach? Do they have their own social life outside of dating? What happens when you put the ball in their court -- do they send it back over the net or do you have to serve again? Do they focus more on telling you about themselves or trying to learn more about you? Are they aggressive or passive? Where does "love life" fall in their list of priorities? How intense is their work situation?

You can really learn a lot about someone's outlook on dating here, and the "right" answers to all of those questions differ from person to person. It's like trying clothes on while you're still in the dressing room -- you're checking out the fit. It's always better to find out they don't fit before you buy them than to have to go back and return that new outfit later. You can also learn a lot from how they act about what they think of you.

The learning process is one of my favorite parts of dating. It's when you really learn who's right, who's not, and who's got ridiculous amounts in common with you. For some people it only lasts a date or two, for others it can last six months. I tend to find it's different with everyone who makes it this far. A lot of times, things never go past this period, but when they do, you usually know beyond a doubt that you've got a winner on your hands. And when I have a DTR conversation, I know I mean it.

Honesty Revisited

Online dating just dropped another notch or six on my list of good ways to meet new people. Why, you ask? Because Cornell researchers just proved that online daters are big fat liars. And it's totally true, from my experience. Now the study says that weight is the most common lie, but that height and age also happen pretty regularly. I've never run into a height or age liar, though. I've met a lot of weight stretchers. A lot.

You know what's even worse than lying with words? Doing it with pictures. I hate that with a passion.

Like the one who told me she was "curvy," which is usually a big red flag to me. So I delved deeper. I made it very clear that I don't mind someone with a few extra pounds, but I don't usually date people who aren't (these are my exact words) "well within the range of normal." The picture she sent me looked like a girl with nice curves, but not a bigger one. The woman that showed up at the bar? My best guess was around 350 lbs, and that's being nice. I would never have been able to hug this woman because my arms wouldn't have fit around her. They'd barely get past her shoulders. And I've got long arms. That was a quick 10 minute date.

I'm not saying guys don't do it too. In fact, I'm sure they do. SWF41 recently had a similar experience. What I don't understand is what people think they're accomplishing here? If you're going to meet the person in the real world, they're going to know you're lying. Do people actually think lying is attractive? It's not.

I understand the basic idea is to let your magical personality win them over, but here's the problem. As soon as I realize you've lied to me, your "magical personality" becomes a dishonest personality. On top of that, if I don't enjoy imagining you naked underneath me, you're never going to get there, no matter how great your personality is. You've just wasted my time. And yours. And you've got your hopes up and gotten rejected. This could have all been avoided by being simply telling the truth up front and using current pictures.

It's yet another reason why the word "online" has disappeared from the title of this blog. At least the people you meet in your day-to-day life or through friends won't try to lie about what they look like -- you've already seen them.

How to Screw Up a Good Thing

I witnessed a tragedy on Saturday night.

You see, I was out with a few friends at a pretty cool, busy bar. And when I say "busy," what I mean is "so friggin' packed you can't move" or "you wait 20 minutes for your beer" or "sardine can." There were a LOT of people there. One of whom was my very attractive single friend we'll call Katie, and another was the attractive guy who almost picked her up, henceforth referred to as "Bob."

Like I said, Bob was a good looking gentleman, and he was a fun guy. He said hi, they started talking, and he ended up hanging out with us for most of the night. As a people watcher and a big fan of the dynamics of male/female interaction, I was fairly impressed with his game. They flirted, danced, and seemed to be into each other. There was a good amount of touching and Katie seemed to be pretty into him. He was doing all the right things.

When the end of the night rolled around, though, he blew it. He obviously liked her, and she made it fairly clear that she liked him, too. We all figured they'd leave together, and I know she was game for it. That's why I was stunned when he left. Why? Because he didn't ask what she was up to later, didn't suggest hanging out after the bar, and didn't even get her number.

What is that all about? The guy could have had an awesome fun-filled night with very little expectations, and he went home alone because he didn't pull the trigger. Not only did he miss out, but he left himself no options for the future. What are the chances they'll run into each other again in a city like DC? Not good.

Guys, please please learn to close the deal when you're having fun. It does no good to chat a girl up all night if you're not going to act on the opportunities that arise. If you've got a good interaction going and there seems to be chemistry, no girl is going to hold it against you if you offer her a ride home. Don't have the balls to ask for a private afterparty? Maybe the logistics are screwed up and it won't work that night? Then at least get her number and actually use it. When you don't have a way to follow up, not only could you miss out on a great time with a cool chick, but you also leave her confused and possibly a little hurt, wondering why you didn't take the initiative. Remember, the first thing that comes to a girl's mind is almost never "he didn't have the guts," but a lot more often "didn't he like me?"

Be a closer.



Other happenings:

It looks like the rumors of KassyK's demise may have been slightly exaggerated. That said, she seems to be in critical condition in the intensive care wing, so stop by, show some love, and tell her to stick around.

On the other hand, DC Cookie is going on hiatus. That sucks. Click your heels together and hope she comes back soon.

Lastly, it seems my "no chemistry" streak is coming to an end. I hung out with a great girl recently that I'm very much looking forward to seeing again. I think she is too, but it's too early to tell what, if anything, will come of it. I sense potential, so we'll see.

Ask LMNt Friday -- February 2, 2007

Woohoo! Almost weekend time!

This week, Velvet from Velvet In Dupont is stepping in to lend us her experience. Since starting her Year of Bad... um, I mean First Dates, she's had plenty of experience with today's topic, and I'm sure she had quite a bit prior to that, too.

Silly Rabbit writes:

So, what's the best way to gently let down a guy and let him know he's in the friend zone and not damage the potential for a good friendship? I've gone on a bunch of dates with someone and as much as I want to like him in that way, I just don't. So far the physical issue hasn't, ahem, arisen on its own (maybe he thinks I'm old fashioned and end every day with a brief peck--ha! good one), but I feel the need to make it clear that as much as I really, truly love his company, I am not hot for him--especially since he now seems to think we're seeing each other. Do I simply say "I like you but am not attracted to you in that way" or "I like you but am dating others right now " (true but beside the point), "I like you but I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than get nekkid with you," or do nothing but make it clear by actions that I "am just not that into him."

Velvet says:

I don't think there is ever a gentle way to let someone down. When it comes to dating and matters of the heart, egos and emotions run high. I know many women who have managed to work themselves into a genuine friendship with a man, but it's difficult to do. Remember the old "When Harry Met Sally" rule: Men and women can never truly be friends because one or both of the two will always wonder what it would be like to sleep with the other one. Even if they don't think of it initially, once the friendship grows, it often seems a natural progression.

In my days of dating, I never quite perfected the art of how to let someone down. The immature thing I used to do in the earlier dating times was that I would just stop returning phone calls. But, as I got older, I realized that while that is the way a lot of people handle these matters, it wasn't my style. I'm brutally honest, and I had to be true to myself. I personally don't feel that telling someone you don't have that "added something" to make this a romantic relationship is bad or wrong. But when I let a guy down a year ago and told people that I said, "I just don't have the chemistry I need to pursue this," some of my girlfriends thought I was mean. To me, I felt I was saying to him that it wasn't that he did something wrong - the old "it's not you, it's me." But it may not have sounded that way. I don't necessarily have the perfect answer to this question, I just know that being honest is more important to me than sparing someone's feelings. People don't always want to hear the truth, sometimes they like to be let down easy, but for the most part, I think that men like feedback. And since the day I decided honesty was the best policy, I have never had anyone say anything nasty to me when I say that I'm "just not feeling it." They have always appreciated the honesty. I do so hate linking to myself, but perhaps this will help you understand my thoughts a little better. I wrote about the entire situation here.


LMNt says:

You've got a problem. I can pretty much guarantee you that you are not going to end up friends with this guy. Not a chance in hell. The "potential for a good friendship" has left the building. Here's why:

First of all, let's talk about him. If the physical end of things has been little more than a peck or two, there's no sexual tension, and he's 1) continued to go on "a bunch of dates" with you, and 2) convinced himself you're an item, that says a lot. I've never even met the guy, and I can already tell from here that he's the passive-aggressive "nice guy" type, and most likely either a borderline misogynist deep down, or well on his way to getting there. Any guy with balls (and options with women) will move on if things don't seem to be progressing after the first couple of dates. He's probably built this up in his head into a very big deal at this point, and he's really not going to take it well. It's quite possible he'll fall into the typical pattern of a spineless guy in these situations, and assume you were using him for the free meals. He's not going to see the situation for what it is -- you care about him, genuinely think he's a cool guy, and didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Now it's your turn. Why in the world did you let it get this far? These things need to be dealt with early, like after the first or second date, or else the other person might start to catch feelings for you. I understand you didn't want to hurt him, but the longer you wait, the more he assumes you like him and the more it hurts when it does happen. He may be clueless, but the fact that you keep going out with him gives him all the reasons he needs to make the wrong assumptions. Sorry honey, but it's time to nip this in the bud, and it's not going to be pretty. And handle it earlier next time.

You've got two choices here. You can either be up front about it and tell him, or you can stop taking his calls and pretend you never met him. I'm a big advocate of the honest approach, but I understand that it can be really hard to do something you know will hurt someone, especially when you have to see the reaction. The MIA method can be easier on you because you can't see the damage it's doing to him emotionally, and I've seen plenty of people do it. That said, I think you should take the hard way. Doing the right thing is rarely easy, but it's still the right thing.

Next time you have an opportunity, tell him you need to talk. Then just lay it out there. "You know, I really think you're a cool guy, but I'm just not feeling the sparks here. I think we should just be friends." Then don't budge on it. He may try to convince you to change your mind. He'll probably talk about all the reasons he thinks you should be together, because some guys have a hard time understanding how to deal with things on an emotional level. It could be a long conversation if I've read him properly, and he may spend a few weeks, months, or maybe even years trying to make you like him, but at some point he'll give up. And that's where you'll probably lose the friendship. There's a bright side, though. Usually by that point, he's shown what he's all about, and you don't want the friendship very much anyway.

Have a great weekend, folks! And if you've got a dating question, don't forget to send it to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com.

Another One Bites The Dust...

My favorite blog died today, because of the utterly despicable and dangerous actions of someone who doesn't deserve the attention he'd get if I went into any more detail. I'm taking the day off from blogging, cause this makes me really sad.

We'll miss you, Kassy.