Tough Love

People love to make excuses, especially when it might hurt someone's feelings not to. On the other hand, I've seen altogether too many of my female friends lately getting themselves hurt because they chased after a guy who gave them an excuse without reading between the lines to understand what he really meant.

We're simple creatures. A guy's desires are not that tough to figure out, and we're extremely motivated by sex/lust/attraction/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. If a guy is into you, he will climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean, and move heaven and earth to spend time with you and possibly get into your pants.

We're also pretty damn flattered when a girl seems to be interested, even if we don't feel the same way. Here's where the excuses come in. Most guys I know don't like to hurt a girl's feelings, especially if they know she likes them, so we think of we think of a way to tell you that doesn't come out as "you're unattractive," "I thought you were cool but you turned me off with something you did," or "dear god no."

If you've ever heard the following phrases and taken them at face value, chances are what he was really saying was one of those potentially hurtful sentences above:

"You know, work's really busy right now and I don't have a lot of time, but it'll calm down in a few weeks." No way. I don't care how busy work gets. Unless I'm out of town, I will definitely find time to hang out/hook up with a girl I think is attractive.

"You're a great friend, and I really don't want to mess up the friendship." I've definitely said this before. Several times. And every time, what I've really meant is "I'm just not attracted to you, but I don't want to hurt your feelings." If I was, I would totally risk the friendship, and I've done that before a few times, too. In fact, my best relationships have come from close friendships, so if you're an attractive friend, that already gives you a headstart. Sorry.

"You're too old/young/far away for me." Ok, this one can sometimes be legit, but it depends on how extreme the difference is. Keep that "highest mountain, deepest ocean, heaven and earth" thing in mind, and you'll be able to tell what he means.

"I don't date girls without college degrees." Again, digging for excuses here. A college degree really has no impact on how intelligent or well-read you seem.

"I don't think we have very much in common." This really doesn't matter too much to guys, unless your goals and/or outlooks on life are very different. Example: He's a conservative christian who's waiting for marriage and you're a hooker, or vice versa.

So if you hear any of these, or something similar, read between the lines. This guy is not worth any more of your time or energy. When he says "I think we'd be better off as friends," what he means is "when I imagine you naked and underneath (or on top of) me, it's not a pleasant thought." Obsessing over or pursuing him will only result in you getting hurt. Especially if he decides not to pass on a sure thing, sleeps with you, and then bails. There's only exception to this rule that I know of: sometimes he'll disqualify you to save face if he thinks you're not feeling it for him, but if that's what's going on, you're not going to pursue it anyway, so you don't need to hear this.

Don't waste time on things that just won't happen. And even though I've written this about guys for women, it works in reverse, too.