Who Could It Be Now?
Warning: Introspective Stuff Ahead
I'm finding that in this latest phase of dating (i.e. since the big ex), my standards have gone up in a big way. I was discussing this with a friend recently, and it seems to be a fairly common phenomenon when you reach a point in your life where the pieces are all in place and settling down with someone for the long haul actually starts to be a feasable possibility.
On the other hand, sometimes I think I'm expecting too much. I've been on more than a few first dates lately, and my second date ratio is going way down. It's not necessarily that they're not into the idea, just that I'm not so into setting one up. When I do pursue it, it's definitely in a more half-hearted, "I'll give her another chance to impress me" mindset.
I guess I'm looking too hard for the "wow" factor. The last girl I dated seriously definitely blew me away on every level when I met her. Maybe I'm spoiled because I had that for so long, but if I'm going to seriously consider committing to someone for the long term, I'm not going to settle for anything less than a girl who I feel I won the lottery with. And I don't see the point in dating someone right now if the possibility of the long term isn't there. Does that "wow" happen over time? Could it be that I'm not giving people enough of a chance?
The last girl I went on a date with was perfect on paper. I had quite the crush on her, and was definitely expecting to be super excited about date 2 when I got home. She was absolutely beautiful, down to earth, sweet, funny, an exceptional conversationalist, and overall it was a good date. I liked her, but I still felt like something was missing. The "wow" just didn't hit me. I would have done a second date, but her life's in a different place than mine right now, and we decided to do the friends thing. That's cool -- we have a lot in common, mutual friends, and similar interests, and she'll probably make a much better friend than she would a significant other, but I'm still a little bummed that someone I had such high expectations of didn't give me chills in the real world over a few glasses of wine. I mean, if she didn't, who will?
I guess what's causing the issue for me is that I'm a firm believer that if a problem repeats itself regularly, and the only thing all the occurences have in common is the person involved, the problem probably lies with that person. Maybe I'm approaching things the wrong way.
I think I'm going to take a new approach to my social and/or dating life. I'll keep my first date standards where they are, but I'm going to go after more second dates. I should try to refrain from making judgements quite so early and give things more time to develop. At the same time, I'll make friends a bit more indiscriminately, and try to stop putting people into boxes so much (i.e. stop thinking of this person as "romantic potential" and that one as "platonic"). They're all cool people and they'll all be friends. Who knows where things will go from there? I guess "friends" will just have a broader definition.
I'd love to hear other peoples' thoughts on this, especially from those of you who are in really fulfilling relationships. Honestly, the last one lasted so long, it's kind of hard to remember all the details of how it started. I've always done well in the dating department, but where I really shine is RelationshipWorld, and I still feel a little out of practice on the getting-to-know-you end of things. Maybe you guys can help me out there.
In other news:
1) The response to yesterday's poll was an overwhelming yes. Unfortunately though, while I had several female bloggers volunteer to give their input, I didn't get any emails asking questions I could use. If this is gonna work, y'all are gonna have to write me, so send any romantic advice issues you've got on your mind to lmntalattraction (at) gmail (dot) com. Don't worry, I'll keep you totally anonymous. I'm hoping to have the first one up on friday.
2) I just got listed on the dcblogs live feed. In order to make it work properly, I had to play with the time zone settings on blogger. What that means to you is that the timestamps on my posts and comments are all effed up and inaccurate now, which may affect you if you use some sort of feed reader to access the blog. My posting pattern in the past has been that I put something new up every weekday between 10am and 2pm or so, and I'll do my best to continue that, unless of course it's a non-working holiday. I don't get many off, so that won't come up much. But now you know when to check here for the new stuff. :-)
21 comments:
i've been (and sometimes still go) through a lot of what you're saying here. and i have found more often than not someone is better on paper than in person - even if they're totally cool in person. when you haven't met someone and you're only looking at small pieces of information and seeing how your likes, etc fits into theirs and vice versa, man, it is so. much. fun. how could you two NOT get on famously?
well. life isn't on paper, and it's not like it is in the movies either. if you are expecting to be wowed by the perfect paper girl, your expectations are probably too high. i'm not saying you shouldn't EVER expect the wow factor, not at all. i'm hoping i'll find it myself. and i am most definitely not saying lower your standards. but don't let them box you in either. for me, once i realized that a great date might not come in the package i expected whether it be dressed in miller light sweatshirt when we go out to a casual dinner or that he listens to country music (neither of which i'm a big fan of), i found that i enjoyed myself more. not always with the best results, but at least i had more fun.
i think you not putting people into boxes is the best idea. i have to work on the same thing. but then, you just enjoy everyone's company and whatever happens is gravy.
easier said than done with the expectations, though. ugh.
I don't think you can ever count out the "wow" factor. I wrote a post on it once- that it's okay to want exactly what you want. You'll know it when you see it. Then make sure she's just as pretty on the inside.
I think many of us - men and women - seem to have instances where we wonder about this. Myself, especially, as I seem to have this annoying habit - which I'm trying to stop - of falling too hard too fast.
I've done the online dating thing and encountered quite a few men who illicited the 'wow' factor from me. Then we went on A date (hardly ever was there a second date) and I realized that yes, on paper (or a computer screen) they were perfect, but in person, they left a lot to be desired.
I certainly don't think you should lower your standards - you should never settle! Rather, as you've said, approach the dates for what they really are - a chance to get to know a new person, someone who could, in the least, become a really good friend.
I'm learning to not have such high expectations in the beginning, thus perhaps taking a bit of the pressure off.
And I absolutely agree with Pagan - and I also believe that someone can be incredibly handsome/beautiful on the outside, and really ugly inside. So that silly saying we hear a lot of about "it's what on the inside that counts" does hold some weight, too...
I'm a bit rambly today...the first and second graders have already worn me out - and it's only Tuesday!
Who says she's ugly on the inside? It just sounds like you didn't click. I don't get why everyone thinks it is automatically something wrong with the girl. Goes both ways you know. How do you know she didn't think you were a major tool?
Did you mean to quote Men at Work?
Anyhoo, I say it has to be an immediate YES to work for any significant period of time. The couple of times when an established friend or acquaintance became a boyfriend, there was still a major wow moment/night that catapulted things out of the friend zone. Without that, I believe the proper term is "settling."
LOL velvet, i was just thinking that i needed to add on a post script about the being perfect on paper - in person, the attraction has to be mutual. and that's the bitch of it sometimes.
Carrie M -- I think the not putting people in boxes is key. Thanks for the input.
Pagan -- That's kind of what I'd been thinking.
Miss Browneyedgirlie -- I totally wouldn't be able to keep up with second graders all day.
Velvet -- I didn't say she was ugly on the inside. Honestly, I thought she was a truly exceptional human being and that's why I want to have her among my friends. Chill out. No one's saying anything bad here. In fact, what I think I said was "she was amazing, we just didn't click," in addition to "this stuff is probably my fault." I'd hate to see how you respond if I compliment you -- you might rip my head off.
Kathryn -- Yes, you got me. When I can't think of a good title, I dig around for song quotes that may apply. And thanks for the input... I'm definitely not in a "settling" mood.
Wasn't saying it to you. I was saying it to the other commenters who said the things about "ugly on the inside." That's a huge conclusion to jump to.
I don't think they were talking about the girl I went out with. They were giving advice on future girls -- to be careful and look past the surface, and they were right. Sometimes some of the hottest girls are the ugliest on the inside. Definitely not in this particular case, though.
Okay, so now I'm fully invested in reading your blog. I have no idea how this happened.
Anyway, you'll give her "another chance to impress you"? Did you really say that? Like, it's an audition? Just....wow.
I think you're expecting way too much from a first date. I, personally, think that if the date doesn't SUCK you should have another one. But, maybe my expectations are too low....
So you thought of settling down did you?
Yesterday maybe, but today...
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/16/us/16census.html?em&ex=1169096400&en=8206a731116bb8d3&ei=5087%0A
Man... if only it were left up to "wow" factor alone. Wouldn't life be so much easier? Instead we get nervous, we have bad habits, we say the wrong thing, and often times it's just not in the cards. Sometimes we don't even get a chance to let the "wow" run around in the open.
But I'm a firm believer that you can't make something out of nothing. I also know that some of my most meaningful relationships with guys have developed over time and out of very real, very close friendships. Such contradictions we all are.
I'm bad at advice. But do what I do... just keep on keepin on. (and cast a wide net, as they say)
You know, it's entirely possible Velvet's right and DateGirl thought I was a tool -- I was a little nervous and might have imbibed too much wine. I don't get that vibe, though. Anyway...
Kristin -- Yeah, that does sound a bit arrogant, doesn't it. I guess most of my dates lately are just "meh."
Steve -- That doesn't mean they don't want to be.
Mandy -- God, don't I wish. How much easier would that be?
IMHO... The older we get, the more we know what we want. Flip side of that -- the less likely we are to settle for what we don't want.
I believe the sign of a bad date is any aura of a job interview going on. That's why it's so great to have first dates with activities instead of sitting across from each other at a table pinging scripted questions back and forth. I knew I met my match when after a 5 hour date, neither one of us knew what the other did for a living.
Since you and I seem to be the same person, I must admit you could use a little patience. Remember that you can be "wow"ed later as you get to know someone and not just immediately. I am in a serious relationship, but definitely wasn't looking for it when I started. I was out just for a good time. There were these little things that irritated me about him and I just wasn't sure he could be "it." After we took a break from each other and I got to date a few other people (one in particular that I went out with for about a month and still just felt like I couldn't relax around him) when I realized that I'd had what I was really wanting. REmember that no one is perfect and you have to learn to love (or at least deal with) those little annoyances so don't get too hung up on them early and give the girl a bit more of a chance to get to know her.
I'll respectfully disagree with Kristin, as I'm a firm believer in looking for the "wow" factor, even on a first date...the click that means, even on some small incremental level, that you feel like this is someone you really connect with. Because I know what I like and what I don't, so I feel like I'll know after spending a few hours with that person whether there's something I like there or not.
Of course, I'm also just coming back onto the dating scene after a minor fiasco in the relationship department...so perhaps I'm setting my standards too high. I just feel like I deserve to find a "wow".
I think perhaps maybe you have to have some of both. Don't you also feel a 'wow' factor w/new, platonic friends? It seems far more likely that you could get to the 'Wow' place w/a girl you met and liked and had fun with, than w/ a girl whom you met, but felt nothing for whatsoever. I agree with you--go on the second dates and see what happens. Best case scenario, you end up in a rocking relationship, worst case--you went on a bad date. (And I say this having gone on several second dates to test this theory. I have never regretted going on those dates either, even though nothing came of it).
I think if the 'wow' never materializes, it's not a good sign, but I've had a couple experiences where the first and second dates were good, but not great--and then on the third date, something clicked, it was WOW. Its a lot of pressure on yourself--and someone else--to make the first date live up to all your expectations.
Also, once you've been intensely in love, its hard to remember that there was a point you didn't know that person all that well--sometimes in retrospect we gloss over the fact that our first interaction with the loved one was perhaps less 'magical' and immediate than we remember--it was the sense of hope that this might turn out to have LPT (Long Term Potential) that made it so exciting.
Speaking of LPT Miss M and I are collecting dating acronyms. if you have any good ones please post them on our blog. MB (merci beaucoup)
Thanks to Lee for respectful disagreement :) I guess I have to rethink my first assertion...and I think I'm wrong. I know what I like, too, and if there was no "click" or "wow" or something else that made me think this person was worth seeing again, I wouldn't.
lmnt - i hope your dates get fabulous soon.
DC -- Oh, I am so absolutely anti-interview. See here (open that in a new window or it'll be funky -- the comments section won't let me code it that way).
Kim -- I think you're right with the patience thing. I should probably get to know people a little better and hold off judgement of our potential a bit longer.
Lee -- That's exactly my dilemma. I feel like I deserve the "wow," but part of me says I might be setting the old standards a touch high.
Ryane -- More second dates it is! Thanks for the suggestions.
Urban Urchin -- That's what I'm thinking. Sometimes we remember good relationships in a slightly idealized light. I'll check out your acronym list and see what I can add.
Kristen -- Man, I hope they do too.
I'm in a new relationship now, my first real one, and the beginning is both awkward and passionate. Our getting to know you phase was pretty fast relatively (a few weeks), but we talked a huge amount during it, because we were both bored at work. Like, we would talk for six hours a day, the whole week. That went on for a few weeks. It was amazing how little we didn’t get bored.
That phase has kind of ended, a little bit; but that ‘wow’ factor I think was definitely there. I couldn’t get enough of her, I couldn’t stop talking to her. When 5pm would roll around and we would part ways, I would sit at home utterly bored, just wishing she was there for me to talk to.
Then we started sending each other dirty text messages, and well, the rest is history.
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